Writing Task 2 "Essay" Please accentuate the mistakes and what needs to be done to get a higher band score

[anasjamil]

A growing number of people feel that animals should not be exploited by people and that they should have the same rights as humans, while others argue that humans must employ animals to satisfy their various needs, including uses for food and research.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.
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Since ages, people are using animals for transportation, food and research purposes. While some people have animadversion against usage of animals for various objectives, others expostulate with them. They believe in the contribution of animals for human needs and I concur. In my opinion, it is imperative to make use of animals for house-hold activities because they are designed by nature to perform these tasks effectively.

To begin with, harsh treatment of animals is ubiquitous all over the world. More often than not, animals are exploited for various reasons. For instance, in countries such as India, people use donkeys to deliver goods to supermarkets. It is not uncommon for the people in India to smack a donkey in order to make him run faster during the delivery of goods. These attitudes by humans towards animals are uncompromising as the animals are unable to speak for their rights.

Despite the above arguments, in my view, animals are playing a vital role to provide effectiveness and smoothness on day to day transactions of human beings. They are playing an essential part to provide different services in a very cost effective and efficient manner. For example, in countries such as Australia, people like to keep dogs as pets because they are extremely handy to offer services of a night-watchman. It reduces the cost of hiring a security guard for a common man in Australia. Services such as these are vital for our society.

In conclusion, I believe that it is important to take advantages of animals in our daily basis work. In near future, I envisage a trend of using animals more and more for routine work by people.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Introduction - I assure you that animals are not 'designed' to perform household tasks!

First main paragraph - The harsh treatment of animals is not ubiquitous. The attitudes are not uncompromising. Not all people smack animals.

Second main paragraph - What day-to-day transactions do you mean? Transaction suggests finance. People keep dogs for several reasons.

Overall, the language used in the essay is frequently not used accurately, so meaning becomes unclear.

All the best,
David

[anasjamil]

thanks for hoghlighting the mistakes.

Regards,
Anas Jamil