I need your feedback

[raniamostafa]

Nowadays communication technology is developing rapidly; people communicate in different ways. Is it a positive or negative development? Give your opinion and examples from your own experience.
Over the last twenty years , the whole globe have witnessed a marked change in communication systems. Even though, people have different views about the impact of this development. Despite of my belief that it has its drawbacks, I'm convinced that the progress in communication technology has a great impact on people.
To begin with people who think that this advancement in communication is bad ,we find that they have their reasons that we should clarify. First , they think that these new communication modalities violates ones privacy. Callers ,for example, can determine your place , online or not and you already saw their calls or not . In addition,
it took most of people's time chatting and texting instead of socialization, even within the same family, because of the diversity of communication applications on the same gadget e.g what's app , Facebook and Email. Therefore, many consider these technological advances in communication have negative impact on people's lives.
On the other hand, there is a considerable number of people who consider this advancement in communication a positive progression in technology because of many reasons.
Admittedly, it make living abroad easier than before. It lessens homesickness and sense of alienation markedly as it made calling the family easier than before. Because of its diversity and cheap price . Viber , Skype and Line are good examples of the widely used applications for communication worldwide. Most importantly, Trading and business deals become easier and faster , all over the globe, due to the feasibility of rapid communication. Eventually, Technological evolution especially in the field of communication helped mankind in different sectors by many ways .
To conclude,

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[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!
Let's go through, paragraph by paragraph.

Introduction - the whole globe haS

First main paragraph - and WHETHER you already saw their calls or not. "It took most of people's time chatting and texting" A small minority of people perhaps, but not most.

I think you could expand the positive aspects.

There is no conclusion. Technical problem?

Overall, the essay starts quite well, but the later half is of lower quality and the lack of a conclusion will reduce the score.

All the best,
David