Please Check the essay and suggest how could I improve t

[Saya]

Writing Task 2
Many people say that cooking and eating at home is better for individual and the family than eating out in restaurants or canteens. Do you agree or disagree?
It is common today going out to café or restaurant for a dinner than having a meal at home. This is nowhere more evident than in our domestic life. It is agreed that cooking and eating at home is better for individual and the family than eating out in restaurants or canteens. This will be shown by taking into account economic and social benefits for household of having homemade meal.
Firstly, preparing and having meal process is a good way of communication between friends or relatives in comfortable area. Take traditional Kazakh family as an illustration. Kazakh families usually gather all together for an evening meal and they are having long talks with each other during the whole process. Also it stimulates family members to know more about each other’s tastes and preferences. It is obvious that having dinner at home brings people closer then eating out.
Moreover, it is commonly known that restaurant dishes are more expensive than homemade one. For instance, eating pizza in café is paid at three times more than cooking it at home. So these additional expenditures are crucial factor for big or underprivileged families in making decisions. From this it can be concluded that having home meal is more beneficial than restaurant one.
After analyzing, it is clear that traditional homemade dish is the key of saving family bounds and household budget. As has been shown cooking and eating at home is better for family as well as for individual than eating out in restaurants or canteens. It is expected that eating at home is more popular among big friendly families.

[Aditi]

It is common today going out to (café:I think is used typically for breakfast) or restaurant for a dinner than having a meal at home. This is nowhere more evident than in our( don’t use pronoun) domestic life. It is agreed that cooking and eating at home is better for individual and the family than eating out in restaurants or canteens. This will be shown by taking into account economic and social benefits for household of having homemade meal.( this sentence seems awkward: rephrase it. This will be show by looking at how eating at home benefits socially and economically.

Firstly, preparing and having meal process is a good way of communication between friends or relatives in comfortable area. Take traditional Kazakh family as an illustration. Kazakh families usually gather all together for an evening meal and they (remove are) have long talks with each other during the whole process. Also it stimulates family members to know more about each other’s tastes and preferences( awkward sentence: rephrase). It is obvious that having dinner at home brings people closer then( than) eating out.

Moreover, it is commonly known that restaurant dishes are more expensive than homemade one. For instance, eating pizza in café is paid at three times more than cooking it at home. So these additional expenditures (are: play) crucial factor ( role) for big( extended) or underprivileged families in making decisions. From this it can be concluded that having home meal is more beneficial than restaurant (one).

After analysing, it is clear that traditional homemade dish is the key of saving (maintaining) family bounds and household budget. As has been shown cooking and eating at home is better for family as well as for individual than eating out in restaurants or canteens.( It is expected that eating at home is more popular among big friendly families.) I don’t think this would be proper conclusion. Try to use it differently. It is expected that eating at home continues among extended-friendly families


I am learning, I am student like you.
Thanks

[Saya]

Thank you very much, Aditi! You've helped a lot!=)