Written answer of IELTS test in Singapore - March 2015

[danyocean]

I'm Indonesian. Here it is a sample answer for celebrities-charity issue.
skype: daniarsupriyadi

Sometimes celebrities get invited to international aid events. Do you think such events deviate from their main purpose by inviting famous people?

Occasionally, celebrities get involved in international charity events, thereby attracting attention whether such events have turned the primary purpose by being attended by famous persons. I personally believe that there is no deviation in the charity’s purpose due to some reasons.

On one hand, some people argue that such events have changed their purpose from raising money for charity to promoting celebrities by allowing them to be an icon of the events. In their opinion, the aid project ought to emphasized addressing an issue directly related to help people out with unpleasant situation. Take Bill and Melinda Gates foundation as an example; this organization has been consistently establishing a charity appeal for things that are relevant with environmental, educational and health issues, without any sponsors from a famous actor or actress, instead recruiting many wide-range analysts and experts to determine the best strategy to tackle these problems. As a result, the money that comes from fund-raising events is well allocated to a better plan.

However, I would justify the counter argument that involving celebrities in such events would certainly have positive effects. Most importantly, it is clear that celebrities have many fans which highly possibly promote – even join their superstar agenda, including a charity event. For instance, Taylor Swift, the immensely popular song-stress from USA, has donated all the earning from her charity concert in 2014 to the Asian public schools. Also, I have noticed that collaborating with famous people on charity concerts has certainly increased a huge amount of money for charity due to the influence of popularity among celebrities that often have fans all over the world.

In conclusion, I believe if the fund-raising events are collaborated with celebrities, it is not likely to deviate the main purpose of charity events and will instead contribute to it in a variety of ways. (304 words)

[bas]

Hi Danyocean,

This looks like an excellent essay that would obtain a high band score. It is difficult for me to find things that could improve your score.

One thing I can think of is including an outline in the intro and conclusion to improve cohesion between the paragraphs. Ryan does a very good job of explaining this on his blog.

Additionally, IELTS-Simon explained on his blog about how you should avoid including what other people think when the task asks for your opinion. I do not know how pertinent it is to your overall band score though.

Great essay overall though.

Bas

[Flick]

Sometimes celebrities get invited to international aid events. Do you think such events deviate from their main purpose by inviting famous people?

Occasionally, celebrities get involved in international charity events, thereby attracting attention whether such events have turned the primary purpose by being attended by famous persons. I personally believe that there is no deviation in the charity’s purpose for several reasons.

On one hand, some people argue that such events have changed their purpose from raising money for charity to promoting celebrities by allowing them to be an icon of the events. In their opinion, the aid project ought to emphasize addressing an issue directly related to helping people out with unpleasant situation. Take the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation as an example; this organization has been consistently establishing a charity appeal for things that are relevant with environmental, educational and health issues, without any famous actor or actress spokespeople, instead recruiting a wide-range of analysts and experts to determine the best strategies to tackle these problems. As a result, the money that comes from fundraising events is well allocated to a better plan.

However, I would justify the counter argument that involving celebrities in such events would certainly have positive effects. Most importantly, it is clear that celebrities have many fans who are highly likely to support their idol's charity. For instance, Taylor Swift, the immensely popular songstress from the USA, has donated all the profits from her charity concert in 2014 to Asian public schools. Also, I have noticed that collaborating with famous people on charity concerts has certainly increased the amount of money made for charity due to the popularity among celebrities that often have fans all over the world.

In conclusion, I believe if fundraising events include celebrity involvement, it is not likely to deviate from the main purpose of charity events and will instead contribute to it in a variety of ways. (304 words)

[danyocean]

Thank you very much FLICK
I deeply appreciate that