IELTS WRITING,PLZ RATE MY ESSAY OUT OF 9 BANDS

[ankushcoolz]

Some people think that personal happiness is directly related to economic success. Others argue that happiness depends on different factors.

Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.


ANSWER:There is no denying fact in saying that we are dwelling the advanced & modern era, where people finds the happiness from different sources. But, it is really a debatable issue whether happiness relates to economic success or depends on other factors. Today, I am going to discuss both perspectives of people & end up this piece of writing with my own opinion in conclusion.

To begin with, the first perspective of those who are in the favour of this believes that personal happiness relates to economic success. Undoubtedly, we are living in the era where the survival of the human being is not possible without money. People with enough money leads to happiness & avail the luxurious life with big house, car & other facilities. Apart from this, money brings the standard of living, creates your goodwill in the society as well as helpful in your trouble time. Thus, some people relate personal happiness to economic success. For instance, individual with less money not leads efficient life.

The another school of thought is holding an opinion that happiness depends upon different factors. No doubt, money plays a vital role in life of persons but the happiness not comes only with the money factor .An individual tastes the dose of happiness with having good relationships with the family & relatives without money. Not even this, sometimes people are confronting stress under this situation people needs mental support from their near & dear to stay happy instead of money only.

To conclude, I restate that it is dilemma to be with one particular side, which leads me to have partial about this statement but I firmly believes that money over weighs the other factors considering the current era.

[Flick]

Some people think that personal happiness is directly related to economic success. Others argue that happiness depends on different factors.

Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.


ANSWER:There is no denying that we are dwelling in a technologically advanced era, where people find happiness from different sources. But, it is really a debatable issue whether happiness relates to economic success or depends on other factors. I am going to discuss both perspectives of people & end up this piece of writing with my own opinion in conclusion. (<--Reword to: "This essay will analyze both perspectives before coming to a reasoned conclusion.")

To begin with, some people believe that personal happiness relates to economic success. Undoubtedly, we are living in an era where survival is not possible without money. People with enough money enjoy a luxurious life with a big house, car and other facilities. Apart from this, money improves one's standard of living, creates goodwill in the society as well as being helpful in difficult situations. Thus, some people relate personal happiness to economic success. For instance, individual with less money not leads efficient life.(<--Delete this sentence. It doesn't add any meaning to the paragraph.)

Another school of thought feels that happiness depends upon different factors. No doubt, money plays a vital role in living, but happiness ndoesn't only rely on financial success. An individual tastes the dose of happiness with having good relationships with the family & relatives without money.(<--Reword to: "Other causes of happiness include relationships with family and friends.") Not even this, sometimes people are confronting stress under this situation people needs mental support from their near & dear to stay happy instead of money only.(<--I don't understand this sentence.)

To conclude, I restate that it is dilemma to be with one particular side, which leads me to have partial about this statement but I firmly believes that money over weighs the other factors considering the current era.(<--Reword to: "To conclude, although both arguments have good points, I believe that economic success is a key part of personal happiness.")

[Teacher]

Dear Ankushcoolz
I would grade your essay 5.5. You have used a lot of standard phrases, which sound memorized, but the parts of the essay in your own words use limited vocabulary and structure, lack cohesion and are inadequately supported by examples. Your introduction is too long and your paragraphs do not lead the reader to an obvious conclusion. Instead of trying to impress the examiner with clever words and phrases, try to keep it simple and accurate. Mistakes stand out and when we mark papers, they are what we notice. We also reject clearly memorized passages or 'stock phrases' in the same way as inadequately paraphrased questions are discounted as introductions.
www.ieltsexchange.com
Kind regards and keep practising!