Please evaluate my writing. 5th Essay

[Prams]

Dear Mentors,
Please evaluate my recent writing and let me know if I have done some progress or not.
My target band is 7.5

Topic: In your opinion, what factors contribute to the success of a movie?

Essay:
Indubitably, in the recent times, people are getting more attracted towards movies. This is very apparent when we look at the amount of resources spent on movies by the Hollywood/Bollywood industry. There are many reasons contributing towards the success of a movie. Among those, the salient attributes of a great movie are- its script and its star cast. This essay will evaluate how these factors catalyze the success of a movie.

Firstly, the quality of a movie is primarily judged by its script. Take the Hollywood movie "The common man", for example. This was a very low budget movie, but its box office earning was spectacular. The success of this movie has proved that, the script of a movie is the uttermost important factor contributing towards its success and thus it’s the primary concern for any producer.

Moreover, after script the next biggest concern for the movie producers is the cast. There are numerous examples from the past, where a very ordinary movie with a great star cast did wonder. For instance, the Bollywood movie "Wanted", featuring Salman Khan in the lead role, had a box office collection of over a few million rupees! This huge hit clearly shows how great star cast helps in converting an ordinary movie into a hit one.

After analyzing the above points, we are in a position to conclude that among the many factors, the content and the cast of a movie are the precursor to its success. It’s also expected that in the foreseeable future, the upcoming producers will also realize these key mantras to success and will subsequently follow the footsteps of their predecessors

Thanks!

[Dr.Matthew]

Dear Prams, yes, certainly happy to oblige and I hope your other online mentors will also review, as I can tell you are very committed and hardworking and deserve success

OK, general comments first: YES, in my opinion there is discernible progress. Congratulations! How has this been achieved? Well, firstly, greater grammatical accuracy. How has this been achieved imo....more shorter sentence forms, less convoluted sentences Keep in mind you are expected to display syntactical complexity, but again, imo, this need not stretch much beyond a couple of complex sentence forms (subordinate clause + main clause; a sentence or two containing a relative clause) and perhaps at least one passively voiced sentences. And, a 'static' compound sentence form, as we have discussed previously, might just add the cherry on top of the cake lol. You can always avoid a monotonous array of SVO sentence forms by varying your sentence openings (transitions/adverbs/modifying phrases).
Next, you have generally avoided clichéd idioms. As the revision below indicates, there are still a number of issues in your expression that need to be 'ironed' out

Indubitably, in the recent times, people are getting more attracted towards movies.

You have commenced with yet another one of those vague/ubiquitous "all around the world" types of sentences and, yes, there is 'people' again. What's wrong with 'audiences'? Also, 'getting attracted to' is a little wordy. What's wrong with simply stating 'are more attracted to...'?

This is very apparent when we look at the amount of resources spent on movies by the Hollywood/Bollywood industry.

"This [WHAT????....(trend/phenomenon....)]

There are many reasons contributing towards the success of a movie. Among those, the salient attributes of a great movie are- its script and its star cast. This essay will evaluate how these factors catalyze the success of a movie.

Firstly, the quality of a movie is primarily judged by its script. Take the Hollywood movie "The common man", for example. This was a very low budget movie, but its box office earning was spectacular. The success of this movie has proved that[delete this comma][,] the script of a movie is the uttermost important factor contributing towards its success and thus it’s the primary concern for any producer.

Moreover, after [insert: the] script the next biggest concern for the movie producers is the cast. There are numerous examples from the past, where a very ordinary movie with a great star cast did wonder[s]

'wonders' is a little figurative imo

. For instance, the Bollywood movie "Wanted", featuring Salman Khan in the lead role, had a box office collection

can you express this more expertly? 'Box office receipts/returns'

of over a few million rupees

This figure doesn't appear to be all that great?

[delete: !] This huge hit clearly shows how [insert: a] great star cast helps in converting an ordinary movie into a hit one.

After analyzing the above points, we

in general, I would eliminate 'we', 'us' and 'our' from my academic writing

are in a position to conclude that among the many factors, the content and the cast of a movie are the precursor[s] to its success. It’s also expected that in the foreseeable future, the upcoming producers will also realize these key mantras to success and will subsequently follow [insert: in] the footsteps of their predecessors

where's your FULLSTOP? lol

[Prams]

Thaks Matthews sir for your evaluation and the words of encouragement.
As far as the comments are concerned, all are duly noted and will try to include them in my future writings. Last one was a blunder...
I am also very pleased to see you comment fit into a single screen. Previously I used to scroll 4-5 times to get a view of the whole comments section.

As far as my grammatical accuracy is concerned, I have made a conscious effort to keep the sentences short. Earlier I was doing some mistakes while trying to make them complex. Now, having said that, I would like to know, whether the sentence structures opted for in this essay, enough to get my desired band or I need few more complex sentences? If "Yes", I will stick to them.

Thanks!

[Dr.Matthew]

Hahaha...sorry about the 'long winded' replies Prams . Anyway, one of the points I have been suggesting is that 'practice test fever' (simply taking one test/writing up one topic after another....) can be COUNTER-PRODUCTIVE. Sad to say, there is what I might term a very understandable anxiety disorder: IELTius IMPATIENCEsia... apparently the ONLY cure for this terrible disease is to fail the IELTS test 3-4 times before the penny drops and (1) instead of throwing good money after bad by taking one test after another the student actually invests in a little professional mentoring, (2) the student actually applies some methodical preparation techniques. I was reading through Ryan's excellent blog www.ieltsielts.com

Now, visit this page http://ieltsielts.com/more/study-plans/ and scroll down about halfway to the day-to-day plan...I agree with Ryan 100%...this is the sort of time and effort and approach that is required to be successful in your IELTS preparation!

[sos1947]

Dear Dr.Matthew,

Will appreciate if you can check this essay, your feedback to Parms is priceless. I am really not great in grammar. My mentor OnlineEnglishTeacher has taught me few tricks.

Param, sorry for using your thread.

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Indubitably, movies have become a billion dollar entertainment industry in today's world, therefore an expensive movie has to be successful otherwise it can cause a lot of financial burden and anxiety to investors and private financial institutions. Apparently, there are many factors which are responsible for making a movie hit. Following, this essay will analyze these factors in more detail.

Firstly, a movie is more than the celebrities who act in them, undoubtedly, they play an important role in making a movie a success. A hit movie should have a storyline, music, dialog delivery, action, and special effects, which all contribute to the success of a movie.However, what some people do not realize that high budget movies start their advertisement and marketing campaign almost a year back, in some cases before even the first real shot. Needless to say, the prime objective of such campaigns is to attract more and more audiences. Further, celebrities and film directors promote movies all over the world by organizing parties and shows, thus, making people aware of the upcoming movies. In few cases, directors and producers add some vulgar scenes in the movie to attract the teenagers and young adults, with a sole purpose to make their movie hit and double their profits.

Summing up, there are a lot of factors responsible for making a movie a big success, sometimes movie promoters present false testimonials to just increase the virality among people so that they can go and watch the movie.

[Dr.Matthew]

Hi, a good effort with a relative absence of errors (pls check revision!). I think it could even be BETTER if you considered some of the stylistic affectations you employ:

Indubitably, [M]ovies have become a billion dollar entertainment industry

in today's world' sorry...I always shiver a little when I see students use one or other of those "All around the world" phrases in their opening sentence

, therefore an expensive movie has to be successful otherwise it can cause a lot of financial burden and anxiety to investors and private financial institutions.

why such a LONG sentence, especially in your Intro?

Apparently, there are many factors which are responsible for making a movie hit. Following, this essay will analyze these factors in more detail.

pls re-read some of my earlier comments to posted essay...just don't announce there are several reasons to support your argument, BE SPECIFIC... list them here!

Firstly, a movie is more than the celebrities who act in them, undoubtedly,

wow, indubitably/undoubtedly...why so STRONG????? Good academic writing tends to adopt what is technically termed 'hedging', modality and conditionality....good academic writing 'suggests' (!!!) an understated quality, not such a BIG BANG effect

they play an important role in making a movie a success. A hit movie should have a storyline, music, dialog delivery, action, and special effects, which all contribute to the success of a movie.

very good imo

However, what some people do not realize that high budget movies start their advertisement and marketing campaign almost a year back, in some cases before even the first real shot. Needless to say,

excellent phrase...very impressive as it is fairly underused by IELTS writers....shsss, don't tell anyone else OK!

the prime objective of such campaigns is to attract more and more audiences. Further, celebrities and film directors promote movies all over the world by organizing parties and shows, thus, making people aware of the upcoming movies. In [a] few cases, directors and producers add some vulgar scenes in the movie to attract the teenagers and young adults, with a sole purpose to make their movie [a] hit and [to] double their profits.

Summing up, there are a lot of factors responsible for making a movie a big success, sometimes movie promoters present false testimonials to just increase the virality

virality????

among people so that they can go and watch the movie.

Sorry to say, a slightly weak ending here....it almost rambles to a close with a few assorted comments tossed together (like one of my bad salads!!!). So, finally, ask yourself, what elements of your essay might be considered as usable in let's say a first year uni film studies essay on this topic? Let me know

[asadurk]

Dr Mathew, please give me your valuable comments on this essay. Can I get 7 band with this essay ???

Film industry is one of the beneficiaries of the modern technology. Significant importance has been taken by it due to its mass production, which entertain millions of viewers. Its notable importance has pointed the question that what factors contribute to its success. If the attributes of success of the movies known, it would help us to enhance the quality of the picture. In my opinion, plot, and the movie stars play the vital role in the success of the movies that will be discussed in detail in the coming lines.

All of the above, the cast play a remarkable role to the success of the movie. It has been noticed that several movies along with normal script has been super-hit. It’s because the cast consisted of well-known celebrities. For example “Chennai Express”, the Bollywood movie, with the cast Shahrukh Khan and Depika, most renowned celebrities has been widely liked by the people. Its earning and popularity, give a message that the movie with big star(s) with normal script can acquire big success.

However, importance of the central idea of the movie cannot be neglected in the success of the movie. Movie along with good story, ordinary cast and average budget can obtain success. For illustration, “The Flying Singh”, the Bollywood movie, with ordinary cast has been widely famous among the people. It’s because the central idea belongs to one of the heroes of India. Its success reveals the fact that film with attractive story can get success even without stars and with the huge budget.

Finally, it can be colude by analyzing the stated factors, the cast and movie stories are the forerunners of the movies success. Moreover, movies qualities can be improved with the help of discussed factors.