Please rate my essay and give feedback

[Vidhu]

Q. Nowadays shopping becomes more popular than in-store shopping. Is is a positive or negative development? Give your reasons and examples.

Shopping is a thing, that is going online, gradually. It is not only becoming popular, but also gaining a huge profit. In-store shopping is also getting affected by this new development. People preferred to do online shopping for several reasons like; availability, numerous variety, time, etc.

Now the question arises, whether it is a positive development or negative. This depends on a number of factors, some of which are mentioned above. However, people who prefer doing shopping online are mostly young people because of the technology involvement and which can be considered as a positive development. Now, people can order their things from a different city or different state, as they are having access to all those items which may not be available in local stores. Online shopping is a blessing for those, who are living a busy corporate life and hardly get time to actually go into stores for shopping. Some online companies also provide free home delivery service, which makes the total expenditure same, in case those particular things could have bought from a store. In fact, it saves money and time spent on travelling to stores.

Every coin has two sides, in the same way online shopping also has many negative aspects. Everything is shown on the screen of computer as an image, so there is no chance that one can actually feel the quality of product. They do not get chance to try any attire before buying. Also the people who are not that technically sound, may struggle to place their orders online. So, it is a matter of development for those who have access to computer and internet.

Online shopping is a positive development, no doubt, but it is not meant for all. On the other hand in-store shopping is accessible for everyone, no matter what age or what knowledge one possess.


Thank you

[bissaggy]

Hi Vidhu,
This is a augment type essay and in general, for this kind of essay, we should hold a position and justify with examples.
Yours is a well written essay,however I see you have taken both the positive and negative side and not sure if that's the right approach.
Just check out the tense , for eg, in the intro para instead of "people preferred" it should have been "people prefer"

I think the structuring of the sentences can be improved like instead of "online shopping is a positive development,no doubt", you can use " Undoubtedly, online shopping is a positive development"
Overall the essay is good and per me, it's 7.

pls note , this is my personal opinion and may not be 100% correct.

[Vidhu]

Thank you so much Bissagy. I wrote this essay today after a gap of one year. I want to improve my grammatical mistakes. But I find learning grammar from books, bit boring. Is there any better way to improve it? Please let me know.

[IELTS Liz]

Hi Vidhu,

You mainly asked about grammar, so let me give you some feedback on that first.

On the whole, you show a very strong command of using complex sentence structures and have a limited number of errors. This would give you at least band score 7 for grammar. Here are examples of how to improve it:

Shopping is a thing, that is going online, gradually. It is not only becoming popular, but also gaining a huge profit. = Online shopping is becoming not only increasingly popular,as more stores chose to offer transactions online rather than in-store, but is also becoming hugely profitable.

In-store shopping is also getting affected by this new development. People preferred to do online shopping for several reasons like; availability, numerous variety, time, etc. = Consequently, this has had a direct impact on in-store shopping as people generally prefer to do their shopping online as it is more accessible with greater choice and also more time effective.

You should be aiming for band score 7.5 with your level of English. Here are some more tips to help you.

1. Give a direct answer to the task in your introduction. The introduction should introduce the topic and also your main points (this is called presenting a clear position). The examiner would need to read all your essay before he/she gets an actual answer - this is not good in IELTS. Your thesis statement for this essay should read: Although online shopping can be seen as a positive development in the modern world, there are some minor drawbacks. Once the examiner reads this in the introduction, the rest of the essay becomes more coherent. Also because you have chosen a balanced approach to this essay, by writing the thesis statement as I've shown, gives a clear answer that it is a positive development but with some small drawbacks.

2. Academic language. Don't start your sentences with Now, .... - unless you are using it as a time phrase, which in this essay you don't. We use "now" as a way of putting attention on something for speaking not writing. Also avoid using the word "thing", it is not academic. In your first sentence (Shopping is a thing, that is going online, gradually), you could instead write: Shopping is, increasingly, done online rather than in-store. In another sentence you have written: "Now, people can order their things from a different city or different state ..." You can change this to: " People are able to order their groceries and other essentials from ...."

3. Linkers: "like" is not an academic linker and is only used in speaking. You need to use for example, for instance, namely.

4. Don't use "etc" it doesn't demostrate a good use of the English language. If you want to give a list, then choose just two or three examples and no more.

5. Idioms. Most idioms are used in speaking rather than academic writing. "Every coin has two sides" is not only overused but also not particularly academic. It would be better to write" Despite the benefits to online shopping, there are significant drawbacks." This would get you more marks for both grammar, vocabulary and linking words.

6. Start your conclusion with an academic linker "In conclusion" is actually the most academic linker to use to start the concluding paragraph. To miss it out or get it wrong, is a shame.

Here's a link to a model opinion essay:http://www.ieltsliz.com/ielts-writing-t ... l-essay-2/
Here's a link to a video tutorial for the introduction:http://www.ieltsliz.com/ielts-writing-t ... roduction/
Here's a link to discussion essay expressions: http://www.ieltsliz.com/ielts-writing-t ... pressions/

All the best,
Liz

[Vidhu]

Thank you soooooo much. I will surely work upon all these areas. The links you provided are also very useful. I highly appreciate your guidance.