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Writing task 2 please evaluate

Posted: Sun Oct 04, 2020 12:58 pm
by habibka
What are the pros and cons of using public transport?

Nowadays, using public transport to commute to work is becoming increasingly popular. Many corporations even choose their office locations based on their accessibility from public transportation.
However, there are both positives and negatives to using that. This essay will discuss why using public transport is so popular and what are the challenges to be overcome.

Let’s begin by looking at the advantages of using public transportation. One of the main positives of this way of transportation is that it’s often cheap. What I mean by this is that if you want to travel in a personal vehicle, other than the price of the car itself, you have to make regular payments for fuel and insurance as well as maintenance costs. But as public transport is being used by many passengers, these prices are being divided up between all of them. As a result, commuting that way can help one save money.

On the other hand, that benefit can lead to another problem which is crowdedness. The majority of the buses and trains are too crowded and there are not enough seats for passengers. For example, I remember the day that I took the bus home after 10 hours of vigorous work, I was weary but there were no seats that I had to remain on my feet the whole path. While it might not be a serious problem for youth commuters, it’s a significant one for the elderly and other frail citizens. In addition, because of this crowdedness, petty crimes like pick-pocketing are commonplace in buses and trains that one should be very careful about their belongings. After all, public transportation might cause problems if you have some health issues or carrying valuable stuff with yourself.

All things considered, using public transportation can be challenging at some points. One needs to weigh up the pros of cheapness and the cons of crowdedness and crimes. Personally, I believe the benefits in terms of money-saving eventually outweigh the negatives.

Re: Writing task 2 please evaluate

Posted: Wed Oct 07, 2020 5:38 am
by goldcoastielts
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Thanks for your submission habibka!! Please see my rewrite below ... :ugeek

INTRO:
Nowadays, IT is becoming increasingly popular TO USE PUBLIC TRANSPORT TO COMMUTE TO WORK. Many corporations even choose their office locations based on HOW accessibilE THEY ARE from public transportation.
However, THAT SAID, there are both positives and negatives to DOING THIS. This essay will discuss why using public transport is so popular and what the challenges ARE THAT NEED to be overcome.

B1:
Let’s begin by looking at the advantages of using public transportation. One of the main positives of this way of GETTING AROUND is that IT IS often cheap. What IS meanT by this is that if you want to travel in a personal vehicle, other than the price of the car itself, you have to make regular payments for fuel and insurance as well as VEHICLE maintenance costs. But as public transport CAN BE used by many passengers, these prices WILL IN FACT BE divided up between all of them. As a result, commuting that way can help one save money.

B2:
On the other hand, THE benefit GIVEN IN THE PRECEDING PARAGRAPH can IN FACT lead to another problem which is THAT OF OVERCROWDEDNESS. The majority of (delete 'the') buses and trains are too crowded and there are OFTEN/USUALLY not enough seats for THE passengers. For example, I remember the day that I took the bus home after 10 hours of vigorous work; (use a semi-colon here not comma because you are explaining something) I was weary :) but there were no seats SO had to remain on my feet the whole JOUNEY HOME. While it might not be a serious problem for YOUNG commuters, it’s a significant one for the elderly and other frail :D citizens. In addition, because of this crowdedness, petty crimes like pick-pocketing are commonplace ON buses and trains that one should be very careful about their belongings. After all, public transportation might cause problems if you have some health issues or ARE carrying SOMETHING valuable ON YOUR PERSON.

CONC:
All things considered, using public transportation DOES HAVE ITS CHALLENGES. One needs to weigh up the pros of HOW cheap IT IS WITH the cons of crowdedness and HIGH crime LEVELS. Personally, I believe the benefits in terms of money-saving eventually outweigh the negatives.
ukflag

REALLY NICE ESSAY! Very even essay.
Advice:
1. It's nice to start sentences with 'it' or 'there', as in the S1 of your introduction.
2. "Method of transport" or "Way of getting around". -- These are collocations, and you cannot mix them together. Be careful!! :o
3. "It is" not "It's" in a formal essay.
4. "Overcrowdedness" not "Crowdedness"
5. Use 'on' for long things like trains, planes and buses, 'in' for shorter ones like cars.
6. Try to make B1 and B2 the same length.

TA: 7.0
G: 6.5
V: 7.0
CC: 7.0