Please critique my letter

[terry3218]

Write a letter to your college’s administration department complaining about the college’s facilities.
In your letter include:
-what the problem is
-how this problem has affected you
-what the college should do to fix this problem

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am a third year accounting student, and I am writing to you regarding a problem that I have encountered a number of times over the past few weeks in the boy’s section football field.

As you know, our football team is preparing for the upcoming sporting event against FC College, hence we get very lethargic towards the end of our training sessions. But I am extremely alarmed at the fact that the faucet at the ground appears to be out of order, therefore, my team mates and I can’t quench our thirsts during and after the practice. Because of this, I suffered from dehydration few days ago, and had to be rushed to the hospital.

My intention in writing this letter to you is to ask you to get the faucet for drinking water fixed, so that we can carry on our practice sessions without risking our health.

Expecting prompt action,
Sam

[OnlineEnglishTeacher]

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am a third year accounting student, and I am writing to you regarding a problem that I have encountered a number of times over the past few weeks(",") in the ("boys'") boy’s section football field.

As you know, our football team is preparing for the upcoming sporting event against FC College, hence we get very lethargic towards the end of our training sessions. But I am extremely alarmed at the fact that the faucet at the ground appears to be out of order, therefore, my team mates and I ("cannot") can’t quench our ("thirst") thirsts during and after the practice. Because of this, I suffered from dehydration ("a") few days ago, and had to be rushed to the hospital.

My intention in writing this letter to you(",") is to ask you to get the faucet for drinking water fixed, so that we can carry on our practice sessions without risking our health.

Expecting prompt action,

Sam

[terry3218]

thanks for the critique. I guess its mainly grammar that I struggle with. Anyways, I was hoping you could tell me whether its okay to use Dear Sir/madam every time rather than using a name for addressing? Of course, unless told to do otherwise.

[OnlineEnglishTeacher]

thanks for the critique. I guess its mainly grammar that I struggle with. Anyways, I was hoping you could tell me whether its okay to use Dear Sir/madam every time rather than using a name for addressing? Of course, unless told to do otherwise.

Whatever is appropriate re: Dear Sir/Madam - not to a friend, as you inferred.

You can also try improving how you start sentences: Advanced Vocabulary For Starting IELTS Writing Sentences.