General training (practicing). Desired score 7.0+

Post your Task 1 or 2 response and/or read the responses of other students and provide feedback.
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Gelever
Posts: 70
Joined: Sun May 03, 2015 12:03 pm

General training (practicing). Desired score 7.0+

Post by Gelever »

Hi, guys!
Yesterday I simulated my IELTS exam (Cambridge IELTS 5.2) at home, and took sequentially Listening, Reading and Writing test.
I transferred all my results to answer sheets, just like it should be at exam.
My current result is:
Listening: 6.0 (23 out of 40) (failed, the weakest side of my English, I suppose)
Reading: 7.5 (36 out of 40) (failed - I could really answer 2+ questions correctly, but I didn't)
Writing: to be evaluated (from Cambridge IELTS 9.2)
Here are my Writings (I spent 1 hour strictly, no dictionaries)

On a recent holiday you lost a valuable item. Fortunately you have travel insurance to cover the cost of anything lost. Write a letter to the manager of your insurance company. In your letter
  • describe the item you lost

  • explain how you lost it

  • tell the insurance company what you would like them to do?

Dear Sir or Madam, I was on holiday in Greece last week, and when I arrived back home I found I had lost my precious camera. As long as I’m a professional cameraman, my camera is an expensive item that I had taken out insurance on with your company. It seems I lost it while I was on excursion to one of the local parks in Thessaloniki. I remember to have taken a lot of lovely photos, but when I arrived to the hotel there was only two hours left before my flight back to my country. I was in quite a hurry and didn’t check If I took my camera with me. I would like you make a refund equal to the price of my lost camera, which is $2000. I have kept all the insurance papers, so it is not going to be a problem. I hope you will do your best to compensate my loss. Thank you in advance!
Task 2
Some people think that the teenage years are the happiest times of most people’s lives. Others think that adult life brings more happiness, in spite of greater responsibilities. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

There are different viewpoints on what age is the happiest time in human lives. Some people believe that teenagers are the happiest people while others insists that adult life implicates most happiness. In this paper, I am going to weigh all the pros and cons of both views.

Undoubtedly, teenagers and adults see the world differently. From the teenagers perspective, there are less responsibilities as their parents provide them with all the necessary things to grow, study and develop and prepare for future adult life. At the same time young people have less freedom and sometimes can not do what they would want, and depend heavily on their parent’s permission or preferences. Who can suffer even more are teenagers from unsuccessful families, in which one or both parents are extraordinary strict or cruel. In such the families teenager’s life can be unbearable, which can result in constant misunderstandings and depression and can lead to suicide.

In comparison, adult life opens more possibilities, people become more financially independent. On top of that, adults can learn the happiness of being parents that nevertheless brings more responsibilities and even problems. For example my brother-in-law, who has got two baby-daughters, spends all his free time to support his family. There is no time for hobbies and sport left. Such constant oppression can reflect negatively on your health, and sometimes can lead to stress. However, this can be compensated by ‘family escapism’, when you are concentrated on your children’s upbringing and enjoy staying with your family.

I believe that people can feel happy regardless their age. There are many activities that you can enjoy in teenage years as well as in adult age. Turmoils, misunderstandings and unpleasant things like that will still be with us all the lifetime, but if we don’t know what is to be unhappy, we will hardly learn the true happiness and will appreciate it as we should have.

Personally, I believe I would score 6.5 from these writings, but not sure. Anyway this is where I am now.
Later I'm going to share an improved version of this. Hope it will be much persuasive for an IELTS examiner to be assessed 7.0+.
sos1947
Posts: 28
Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2015 5:22 pm

Re: General training (practicing). Desired score 7.0+

Post by sos1947 »

My take is that your essay went off-topic or in other words, you gave some unnecessary details which were not required. Second, there are some grammatical errors but I am not the best person to help you.

Also, you put both pros and cons of both age group teens and adults which make this essay very bulky, chances are ielts instructor would lose interest.
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Flick
Grammar Checker
Grammar Checker
Posts: 1466
Joined: Mon Apr 21, 2014 10:06 pm

Re: General training (practicing). Desired score 7.0+

Post by Flick »

Gelever wrote: On a recent holiday you lost a valuable item. Fortunately you have travel insurance to cover the cost of anything lost. Write a letter to the manager of your insurance company. In your letter
  • describe the item you lost

  • explain how you lost it

  • tell the insurance company what you would like them to do?


Dear Sir or Madam,

I was on holiday in Greece last week, and when I arrived back home I found I had lost my camera. As I’m a professional cameraman, my camera is an expensive item that I had taken out insurance on with your company. It seems I lost it while I was visiting one of the local parks in Thessaloniki. I remember taking many lovely photos, but when I arrived back at the hotel there was only two hours left before my flight back to my country. I was in quite a hurry and didn’t check to see if I packed my camera. I would like you to make a refund equal to the price of my lost camera, which is $2000. I have kept all the insurance papers, so it is not going to be a problem. I hope you will do your best to compensate my loss.

Thank you in advance!
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Dr.Matthew
Posts: 61
Joined: Thu Apr 16, 2015 12:11 am
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Re: General training (practicing). Desired score 7.0+

Post by Dr.Matthew »

Hi Gelever....hmmmnn, look, I'd say you were at least 'in for a shot' at a 7...you are at least in the zone my friend...what's perhaps most frustrating is that many of the 'problems' are simple ones that by now you should be keenly aware of:

Undoubtedly,
YAWN!!!! Sorry :roll:
[T]eenagers and adults see the world differently. From the teenager[']s perspective, there are less responsibilities[.] [T]heir parents provide them with all the necessary things to grow, study and develop and prepare for future adult life. At the same time[,] young people have less freedom and sometimes can not do what they would want, and depend heavily on their parent’s permission or preferences. Who can suffer even more are teenagers from unsuccessful families, in which one or both parents are extraordinary strict or cruel. In such the families[,] a/the teenager’s life can be unbearable, which can result in constant misunderstandings and depression and can lead to suicide.
Mostly a very good introduction Gelever...some of the phrasing is, well, scintillating: "Who can suffer even more are teenagers from unsuccessful families, in which one or both parents are extraordinary strict or cruel." Wowie zowie!!!
In comparison, adult life opens more possibilities, people become more financially independent
technically this is a compound sentence and the [,] results in a comma splice...should be a [;] or recast as two sentences or coordinated with a conjunction
. On top of that, adults can learn the happiness of being parents that nevertheless brings more responsibilities and even problems. For example[,] my brother-in-law, who has got two baby-daughters, spends all his free time to support his family. There is no time for hobbies and sport left. Such constant oppression
possibly TOO strong a choice...
can reflect negatively on your health, and sometimes can lead to stress. However, this can be compensated by ‘family escapism’, when you are concentrated on your children’s upbringing and enjoy staying with your family.

I believe that people can feel happy regardless their age. There are many activities that you can enjoy in teenage years as well as in adult age. Turmoils
don't think this can be a countable noun?
, misunderstandings and unpleasant things like that
like what?
will still be with us all the lifetime, but if we don’t know what is to be unhappy, we will hardly learn the true happiness and will appreciate it as we should have.
hmmmnn...not sure about the concluding statements...might be worded more succinctly...as mentioned, TRY to keep your sentences shorter in your Introduction AND in the conclusion
Gelever
Posts: 70
Joined: Sun May 03, 2015 12:03 pm

Re: General training (practicing). Desired score 7.0+

Post by Gelever »

Hi! Many thanks to Flick and Dr. Matthew! All your comments have been thoroughly taken on board!
I felt the writing was rather crude because of lack of experience and rusty vocabulary, but with your kind assistance I step-by-step learn what IELTS examiner is really expecting from me to award me a high score! What you do is priceless, honestly!
Separate thanks for sharing your instructional material Dr. Matthew on how to write essays, at the weekend I'm planning to go through all this.
I have no doubt all this is exceptionally useful material. I'm really proud I've such masterly teachers as you are. I feel with such the preparation I have no choice left but to get the desired band at the exam!
:)
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