Please critique this essay which is about fashion industry

[abbasazarmehrput]

The clothing and fashion industry have a big influence on people. Is this a good or bad thing?

Nowadays, all people, especially juveniles, like to dress like their favourite actors or actresses. Although clothing and fashion industry have some positive effects on people, I personally believe that these have negative ramifications. This will be shown by looking at both a great amount of time and money spent on clothes and violation of social norms.

A huge amount of money is squandered on purchasing horrendously expensive, chic outfits. For example, Iranians spend a large proportion of their disposable incomes to dress like their super stars. Instead of buying consumer goods, this large sum of money could be donated to people living under poverty line. In addition to that, a great deal of time wasted on selecting and dressing in front of mirrors in order to be conformed to international fashion. This example clearly illustrates why clothing and fashion industry could have undesired consequences.

Additionally, violating formal dress codes and unwritten social rules could be another disadvantage of these phenomena. For instance, wearing skinny trousers or revealing costumes is against Islamic laws in all of Islamic countries, and perpetrators will be harshly penalised regardless of their nationalities. Most people would agree that these types of clothes would offend the culture of host country. This example clearly reveals why clothing and fashion industry could have negative impacts on people.

To sum up, I personally believe that clothing and fashion industry have negative impacts on people because they allocate majority of their budgets for buying clothes rather helping the disadvantaged, and they might violate the rules of their countries. It is predicted that fashion industry would have more influences on people’s lifestyles in the foreseeable future.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

I'll stop you right on the first line! I don't like to dress like my favourite actor. Actually, I do not know anyone who does, including teenage relatives and their friends! (You did say "all people"!!!)

I just typed in 'Iranian people on the street' on Google and a bunch of images came up. Then I typed in Oscar winners (it was just last night!) and would you believe that the people were wearing totally different clothes?!

As for Muslims wearing skinny jeans, you really are in trouble, aren't you? Yes, I typed in 'Muslim skinny jeans' on Google and ... well, do it yourself! I mean, I live in a place where there are many Muslims and you have my personal guarantee that many, possibly most, of the young Muslim women there wear skinny jeans. We could get controversial and point out that no Islamic country has a problem with men wearing skinny jeans, so your assertion that "perpetrators will be harshly penalised" is either a blatant lie or utterly misinformed to an incredible degree!!!

I do not personally know anyone who spends over half their earnings on fashion, though I'm sure these people exist somewhere. It makes a far better essay when you do not assume that everyone behaves in the same way.

Grammar is good, but vocabulary is not effectively to provide a good answer to the question. Hopefully, you have noticed that if everyone in Iran and Saudi Arabia dresses like an actress on Oscars night, (as you say they do!!!) well, there's going to be a lot of trouble ...

All the best,
David

[abbasazarmehrput]

Dear David,

First of all, thank you for commenting on my essays, and I am almost always pleased whenever I read your comments. I totally agree with you that I should not generalise in my essays, but I think it is the test of English and how we can deliver our thoughts and opinions in English. There is no lie detector in order to spot our lies.