Hello examiners and friends, could you please give feedback to my essay!

[Herwinnnn]

Research indicates that the characteristics we are born with have much more influence on our personality and development than any experiences we may have in our life.
Which do you consider to be the major influence?
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Investigation on the innate characteristics we naturally develop has shown that factors, such as our personalities and experiences we encounter, changes are our behaviors. While some people believe that it affects more on our personalities, others think that the impact is greater in influencing our life experiences. In my opinion, I think that characteristics we have will affect many experiences we could meet in our lives, for example our appearances and physical body.

To begin with, our appearances are extremely important to us, and this is why cosmetic products are thriving in markets. Our countenances determine many aspects, such as race, popularity, or socially accepted. In particular, although racists are declining now, there are still a few people who do not favor certain races. For example, in America, there are some black people being treated more inferior than the white. These problems are due to the racial bias, and as a result, the blacks, which are due to the appearance, find it difficult to make friend with the racists.

In addition, characteristics like a person's height can boost his opportunity while searching for a certain career. Being a pilot, as an instance, requires a minimum hight of about 160 cm. If a man who long to be a pilot but is unable due to his hight, this is tremendously affect one's dream career and even his emotion. Furthermore, apart from having benefited in job prospect, a tall person can also gain advantage in socializing as this is illustrated by a someone's reaction when choosing to trust by observing their respective body type. Therefore, being tall helps in many aspect in life.

To conclude, because of these two factors, a person's fate in life would be affected tremendously. This makes me believe that inborn characteristics affect the major consequences in later life.
(286) Words

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Introduction - A little long, but not bad.

Main paragraph - Some excellent points! I think that it would be better to take a couple of them and develop them to explain how physical characteristics can influence personality. You might dedicate a paragraph to each.

Overall a very good essay with a variety of structures, often used correctly, and some good vocabulary, e.g. thriving. Try to be more careful as there are some basic errors and even a few spelling mistakes, e.g. hight.

Well done! Just a little more care.
David

[Herwinnnn]

Dear Examiner David,

Thank you very much for your kind feedback. It it very encouraging to me as a self-study ielts test taker. Alright, I'll keep in mind for your feedback(be more cautious) !