Please rate my piece of writing

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abbasazarmehrput
Posts: 47
Joined: Wed Nov 25, 2015 8:23 pm

Please rate my piece of writing

Post by abbasazarmehrput »

I was wondering if you could just rate my piece of writing.

Thank you in advance for assisting me in this regard.

Some people think that the teenage years are the happiest times of most people’s lives. Others think that adult life brings more happiness, inspite of greater responsibilities.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.


There has been a heated debate among sociologists and psychologists on which period of life brings more happiness. Although a group of people reckon that teenagers are far more happier than adults, other group of people have a different say about this. Both these viewpoints will be analysed before a reasoned conclusion is drawn.

Firstly, the most important plus point of teenage years is that teenagers do not bear any responsibility, and they are not included in family decisions. For example, a brother of mine was studying in a university located in the northern part of Iran but he failed to get a qualification from this institution. Now, he is seeking for a well-paid part-time job to finance himself and purchase a modern, full-furnished apartment in the north of Tehran. This example clearly illustrates that teenagers enjoy themselves a lot because they do not hold accountable for any decision they make.

However, adult life has many ramifications. For instance, I myself work as a senior process engineer in a refinery and make independent decisions. As a result, my colleagues rely on my decisions because I am fully mature and accept the consequences of my decisions. Additionally, my partner is dependent on me financially as well as emotionally, and I have been assisting her to attain her dreams. Thus, I am more satisfied with this condition compared to the time I was aged 17.

In summary, Although adults shoulder the responsibility of their actions , it is felt that adulthood is the happiest period of one’s life. It is suggested that teenagers are held responsible and involved in the process of decision making within their families.
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chang
Posts: 14
Joined: Fri Dec 04, 2015 1:20 pm

Re: Please rate my piece of writing

Post by chang »

Dear Abbas

I can't really rate your essay however, I am suggesting a few points to improvise.
Although a group of people reckon that teenagers are far more happier than adults, other group of people have a different say about this.
instead of repeating the same phrase, we can have "the other set" or just "others". secondly, "have a different say" can be replaced with "beg to differ" or "have a difference of opinion".
Firstly, the most important plus point of teenage years is that teenagers do not bear any responsibility, and they are not included in family decisions.
replace"plus point" with "advantage". again repetition of the same word in a sentence. can be replaced by .....as they do not bear any responsibilities. note responsibility cannot be singular when you put "any" before it.
they are not normally included in family decisions as they are considered immature to do so. firstly, do not assume all teenagers are not consulted in family decisions, secondly if you make a statement follow it up with a reason.
However, adult life has many ramifications.
when you say "however" you mean the opposite is coming up, however, your paragraph illustrates that even adult life have advantages. secondly, you mentioned "ramifications" but haven't mentioned any of the ramifications of an adult life.
It is suggested that teenagers are held responsible and involved in the process of decision making within their families.
this sentence is incomplete as you do not reason why they should be held responsible and involved in decision making. secondly, even if you want to put it here it should be ".....teenagers should be held responsible and.....

Your essay is good and my suggestions are only to improve it to a higher band.
abbasazarmehrput
Posts: 47
Joined: Wed Nov 25, 2015 8:23 pm

Re: Please rate my piece of writing

Post by abbasazarmehrput »

Thank you Chang for your helpful hint.
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