please take a look at my essay, good enough for 7?

[allen_zhang]

Write an essay on following
Money help us bring happiness but some people think that extra money creates problems also.
Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons and examples from your knowledge and experience.

It is a frequent topic of discussion whether money brings happiness to people or creates more problems to us. While I accept that having too much money may cause some problems to some people, it seems to me that money usually serves us in a good way.

On the one hand, it is true that having too much money could have negative impacts to our life. To begin with, being too rich often makes people lose their motivation of life. This is because wealthy people can easily get whatever they want and they therefore may not need to try their best to serve our society like doing a professional job such as an engineer or even a scientist. Furthermore, having extra money can lead to self-indulgence due to the inner emptiness caused by losing of motivation. For example, it is not new to us to hear stories of celebrities who are having drug problems.

On the other hand, in spite of the possible negative impact of money, it is more likely to be a positive factor for the wellbeing of us. Firstly, not every rich people are condemned to suffer from problems mentioned above, and most of them are contributing to our societies with their money. For instance, many super rich people like Bill Gates and Buffett donate their money to charities and help people who are in need. Secondly, having enough money usually makes people happier because money offers people the privilege of enjoying their life. When we have extra money, we can improve the quality of our life by moving to a bigger house, enjoying better food or having a tour overseas.

To sum up, as far as I am concerned, although money could bring us troubles, it does not have to be harmful to us and it usually makes people happier.

[Chi]

Hi Ellen_Zhang,

How was your last test? Have you got our results yet?

I cannot tell you if you will score 7 with this essay. I'll leave it for the experts. But I do have some comments which may help your improvement. One first note is that your essay is pretty clean in terms of grammar, which is good!


Your introduction is okay, but you can definitely push it further. You have told the reader the topic you are discussing about, and your position towards this discussion. You can also add that your opinion is supported by such and such, and that will provide some hints of what readers should anticipate in the following paragraphs.

While it's absolutely okay to sit on the fence, I think you can make your argument stronger by going either agree or disagree. Also, remember to tie each of your supporting idea back to your topic/thesis. That helps the coherence of your essay. For example, after giving an example, it's useful to say something like "this example demonstrates that possession of excessive wealth can cause negativity."

In your second paragraph, your first example about Bill Gates and Buffett's donating money is not quite linked back to our topic "money brings happiness". The way I see it is it's not quite irrelevant, but you need to link it bank to the topic.

You can definitely add one or two more sentences to the conclusion.

Try to improve your vocabulary. For example, you can replace "super rich people" by "millionaires" or "tycoons".

Hope that helps!

[allen_zhang]

Hi Chi,
Thanks for your comments.

I'd like to answer and discuss with you below:

How was your last test? Have you got our results yet?
[Allen]I haven't got my result yet, probably I will get it this Friday.
I cannot tell you if you will score 7 with this essay. I'll leave it for the experts. But I do have some comments which may help your improvement. One first note is that your essay is pretty clean in terms of grammar, which is good!
[Allen]thanks!

Your introduction is okay, but you can definitely push it further. You have told the reader the topic you are discussing about, and your position towards this discussion. You can also add that your opinion is supported by such and such, and that will provide some hints of what readers should anticipate in the following paragraphs.
[Allen]:this kind of introduction is what I learned from Simon (ielts-simon.com). so, I would like to stick to it - just two sentences: background + opinion

While it's absolutely okay to sit on the fence, I think you can make your argument stronger by going either agree or disagree.
[Allen] on this topic, I don't want to give a too strong opinion.
Also, remember to tie each of your supporting idea back to your topic/thesis. That helps the coherence of your essay. For example, after giving an example, it's useful to say something like "this example demonstrates that possession of excessive wealth can cause negativity."
[Allen]nice advises!!!

In your second paragraph, your first example about Bill Gates and Buffett's donating money is not quite linked back to our topic "money brings happiness". The way I see it is it's not quite irrelevant, but you need to link it bank to the topic.
You can definitely add one or two more sentences to the conclusion.
[Allen] I wanted to emphasis that "not every rich people are condemned to suffer from problems mentioned above". in this way I think I can make it clear that "even if I said in the first paragraph that some people have problems, but not all of them

Try to improve your vocabulary. For example, you can replace "super rich people" by "millionaires" or "tycoons".
[Allen]nice advises!!!
Hope that helps!

Thank you very much for your comments!!!

[andytruong1202]

Write an essay on following
Money help us bring happiness but some people think that extra money creates problems also.
Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons and examples from your knowledge and experience.

It is a frequent(HOT) topic of discussion REGARDING whether money brings happiness to people or creates more problems to INDIVIDUALS. While I accept(CONCEDE/ADMIT) that having too much money may cause some problems to people, it seems to me that money usually serves us in a good way.

On the one hand, it is true that having too much money could have negative impacts ON our LIVES. To begin with, being too rich often makes people lose their motivation IN life.

(This is because wealthy people can easily get whatever they want and they, therefore, may not try their best to serve society BY doing a professional job, LIKE an engineer or a scientist.)
SHOULD REFER TO WEALTHY TEENAGERS OR SOMEONE LIVES IN A WEALTHY FAMILY AS WEALTHY PEOPLE ARE ON TOP OF THEIR CAREER.

Furthermore, having extra(TOO MUCH/A LARGE AMOUNT OF) money can lead to self-indulgence due to the inner emptiness caused by losing of motivation. For example, it is not new to us WHEN HEARING stories of celebrities having drug problems.{EXPLAIN HOW SELF-INDULGENCE LEAD TO DRUG PROBLEMS. }

On the other hand, in spite of the possible negative impactS of money, it [WHAT DOES "IT" REFER TO?] is more likely to be a positive factor for BEING WEALTHY. Firstly, not every rich PERSON IS condemned to suffer from problems mentioned above, and most of them are contributing to SOCIETY with their money. For instance, many super rich people(BILLIONAIRES/MAGNATES/TYCOONS), like Bill Gates and Buffett donate their money to charities and help people who are in need. Secondly, having enough money usually makes people happier because money offers people the privilege TO ENJOY their LIVES. When we have extra money, we can improve the quality OF life by moving INTO bigger houseS, enjoying better(HEALTHIER) food or having tourS overseas.

To sum up, as far as I am concerned, although money could bring us troubles, it MAY NOT be harmful to us and it usually makes people happier. (THIS IS NOT A GOOD CONCLUSION)

[allen_zhang]

Thank you,Andy
let's discuss a little on your comments.

Write an essay on following
Money help us bring happiness but some people think that extra money creates problems also.
Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons and examples from your knowledge and experience.

It is a frequent(HOT) topic of discussion REGARDING whether money brings happiness to people or creates more problems to
【Allen】I use "frequent" because it is used in a sample essay in Cambridge book 7, and I always try to avoid "hot" because I am not sure if this topic is "hot" or not. "frequent" is a moderate adjective, and I prefer to use it.
[Allen] are you sure "REGARDING" is a necessary here?

INDIVIDUALS. While I accept(CONCEDE/ADMIT) that having too much money may cause some problems to people, it seems to me that money usually serves us in a good way.
[Allen] I saw Simon (ielts-simon.com) use "accept" more offten.
On the one hand, it is true that having too much money could have negative impacts ON our LIVES. To begin with, being too rich often makes people lose their motivation IN life.
[Allen]thanks for point out these errors. I have problems with prepositions.
(This is because wealthy people can easily get whatever they want and they, therefore, may not try their best to serve society BY doing a professional job, LIKE an engineer or a scientist.)
SHOULD REFER TO WEALTHY TEENAGERS OR SOMEONE LIVES IN A WEALTHY FAMILY AS WEALTHY PEOPLE ARE ON TOP OF THEIR CAREER.
[Allen] thanks! you are totally right! this is about logic.
Furthermore, having extra(TOO MUCH/A LARGE AMOUNT OF) money can lead to self-indulgence due to the inner emptiness caused by losing of motivation. For example, it is not new to us WHEN HEARING stories of celebrities having drug problems.{EXPLAIN HOW SELF-INDULGENCE LEAD TO DRUG PROBLEMS. }
[Allen] thanks! you are right!
On the other hand, in spite of the possible negative impactS of money, it [WHAT DOES "IT" REFER TO?] is more likely to be a
[Allen]thanks! I noticed this error.
positive factor for BEING WEALTHY. Firstly, not every rich PERSON IS condemned to suffer from problems mentioned above, and most of them are contributing to SOCIETY with their money. For instance, many super rich people(BILLIONAIRES/MAGNATES/TYCOONS), like Bill Gates and Buffett donate their money to charities and help people who are in need. Secondly, having enough money usually makes people happier because money offers people the privilege TO ENJOY their LIVES. When we have extra money, we can improve the quality OF life by moving INTO bigger houseS, enjoying better(HEALTHIER) food or having tourS overseas.
[Allen] Nice advice!

To sum up, as far as I am concerned, although money could bring us troubles, it MAY NOT be harmful to us and it usually makes people happier. (THIS IS NOT A GOOD CONCLUSION)
[Allen] thanks!