children essay is it band 8?

[durai]

some people believe that children are watching too much television and playing computer games, others think that they are doing useful activities. Discuss and give your opinion?

In the last decade, the ways that children spend their leisure time have significantly changed the world over. While some young people use their free time either to watch television or to play video games, others use it effectively. This essay is an attempt to analyse both statements without any prejudice.

On the one hand, many young individuals, probably after school hours, are playing video games and sometimes watching programmes on the television since no one at home to engage them to do useful activities. Although there are next-door neighbors, children find it hard to mingle with each other. For example, the current trend is that both parents work full-time which results in less communication to the society, particularly with street mates. Therefore, children have no other way to spend their time except to sit in front of the television or play game console.

On the other hand, there are many juveniles who make good use of their time by engaging themselves in useful activities like reading. For instance, children are well aware that if they read books, it is not only improves reading skills but also increases the horizons of knowledge. Several studies in Australia unequivocally proved that 60 percent of children aged from five to fifteen, changed their habit towards reading. Thus, it is clear that today’s young generation use their time effectively.

At the end of the day, both sides on how children use personal time have strong support. It is believed that present young people are spending their time on purpose. So, it is hoped that future generation would be filled with knowledgeable and people with good intellectual abilities.

[Ryan]

Hi Durai,

A couple thoughts:

some people believe that children are watching too much television and playing computer games, others think that they are doing useful activities. Discuss and give your opinion? (<--Are you sure this was the wording? I think it was something more like: Some people believe the time children commit to watching TV and playing video games could be better used elsewhere. Discuss this statement and share your opinion.)

Over the last decade, the ways that children spend their leisure time have significantly changed the world over. While some young people use their free time either to watch television or to play video games, others use it effectively. This essay is an attempt to analyse both statements without any prejudice. (<--I can see you are trying to be objective in this paragraph; however, your wording works to the opposite when you qualify one side of the statement with the word "effectively". Reword this paragraph to: Over the last decade, the ways in which children spend their leisure time have changed significantly the world over. In particular, TV and video game consumption has grown at unprecedented rates. Opinions regarding this growth, however, are divided, and many parents maintain that a child's leisure time is best spent doing other activities. This subject and the divided opinions concerning it will be discussed in the following paragraphs.)

On the one hand, many young individuals, probably after school hours, are playing video games and sometimes watching programmes on the (<--Remove "the".) television since there is no one at home to engage them with useful activities. Although there are next-door neighbors, children find it hard to mingle with each other. (<--What does this have to do with the essay theme? Are you trying to show the negative effects of too much TV?) For example, the current trend is that both parents work full-time, and this results in less communication to the society, (<--To the society? Are you trying to say that children have less exposure to social situations?) particularly with street mates. (<--Street mates?) Therefore, children have no other way to spend their time except to sit in front of the television or play game consoles.

On the other hand, there are many juveniles who make good use of their time by engaging themselves (<--Take out "themselves".) in useful activities like reading. For instance, children are well aware that reading not only improves cognitive skills but also increases the horizons of knowledge. Several studies in Australia unequivocally proved that 60 percent of children aged from five to fifteen, (<--Take out the comma here.) changed their habit towards reading. (<--I'm just a little confused. What caused this? You don't explain any logical progression for why this happened.) Thus, it is clear that the younger generation of today use their time effectively. (<--Is this your conclusion? Didn't you conclude in the first supporting paragraph that children weren't using their free time effectively? When you word conclusions in this manner, you make it sound as though these contradicting ideas are your opinions.)

At the end of the day, both sides on how children use personal time have strong support. (<--But you haven't really looked at why people support either side. You have only tried to prove that children do indeed watch TV, play video games and read. I'm confused by what this essay is trying to conclude here. No real discussion of opinion was made.) It is believed that present young people are spending their time on purpose. (<--Spending their time on purpose? What does this mean?) So, it is hoped that future generations are filled with knowledgeable and (<--Remove "and".) people with good intellectual abilities.

I think there are a couple of issues going on here. Firstly, I do not think you've quoted the question correctly. I can't imagine an IELTS essay question would ask "what do you think children are doing in their free time?" The feedback I received from students that saw this particular question reported more of a "do you think children today are using their free time effectively?" The end of your essay makes an attempt to address and conclude from this second version of the question, but this is groundless without any real discussion in the supporting paragraphs.

Your grammar is fair. Please see the in-text comments for tips on brushing this up.

Cohesion needs improvement in areas. Coherence falters at several points, often as a result of poor word choice/usage.

It's clear that more practice is needed before you can hope to score band 8. Although it is difficult to gauge a mark for Task Achievement (as I'm not entirely sure what the task is), I would imagine the other areas would place you at about band 6.

Good luck,
Ryan

[durai]

Hi Ryan,
Thanks for your feedback.

You're right, this question was form my recent IELTS test on FEB 15th ; I am not sure of exact words, but something like that.
I guess from your response that my essay lacks clarity.

But, the response was 95% same on my real exam ; and they gave me band 7.

Do you have any comments on that?

I posted another essay earlier, mentioning your name on it,

I appreciate if you mark that one too, its about advertisement.

please send me your writing course details, as my requirement is band 8, so i need personal training from you.

[Ryan]

But, the response was 95% same on my real exam ; and they gave me band 7.

Do you have any comments on that?

I can't comment on your performance in the exam, but the demonstration above is not band 7. There are several problematic areas. Most notable are: (1) You are grammatically inaccurate in almost every sentence. (2) There are areas of incoherence. Neither of these are traits seen at the band 7 level.