The task was taken out of the IELTS Cambridge book 8. It can be viewed by clicking the following link.
http://ielts-yasi.englishlab.net/Book%2 ... ,%20AC.JPG
My Writing:
As can be seen from the pie chart, there are three principal reasons for farmland to become increasingly fruitless, with over-grazing being the main one. The table shows in what manner the regions North America, Europe and Oceania were influenced by these three main causes of agriculture land degradation in 1990.
According to the pie chart, over-grazing accounted for thirty-five percent of farmland becoming less productive, while deforestation caused around thirty percent of the worldwide agriculture land to become degraded, being the second most severe reason. The least impact of the three main reasons had the over-cultivation of farmland at twenty-eight percent. There were also other Reasons responsible for seven percent of the worldwide agriculture land to become less productive which are no further specified.
The table shows that Europe had contained the highest amount of degraded farmland at twenty-three percent, with deforestation causing the highest amount of damage. This Region was followed by Oceania with thirteen percent of the agricultural land being degraded, which could be blamed upon over-grazing. Finally, North America had had the least proportion of degraded farmland at only five percent with over-cultivation being mostly responsible.
Please have a look at my Academic Writing
-
SyntaxFox
- IELTS Instructor
- Posts: 19
- Joined: Thu Feb 20, 2014 1:38 pm
- Location: London, United Kingdom
- Contact:
Re: Please have a look at my Academic Writing
Hi Feyer, thanks for posting. Sorry it took so long for someone to get back to you! I’ve read your work, and I have a few tips for you.
Corrections are in red, and comments are in blue.
----
As can be seen from the pie chart, there are three principal reasons for farmland to become increasingly fruitless, with over-grazing being the main one. The table shows how (<-- Your sentence did make sense, but it’s always good to be concise where possible.) the regions of North America, Europe and Oceania were influenced by these three main causes of agricultural land degradation in the 1990s. (<-- The information provided is from ‘the 1990s’, not the year 1990 specifically.)
According to the pie chart, over-grazing accounted for thirty-five percent of farmland becoming less productive, while deforestation caused around thirty percent to (<-- Again, being concise is best. Also, you used the word ‘worldwide’, but the only regions mentioned were North America, Europe and Oceania. There are other regions in the world, like Africa, Asia or South America, so ‘worldwide’ is inaccurate.) become degraded, being the second most severe reason. The least impact of the three main reasons was the over-cultivation of farmland, at twenty-eight percent. There were also other reasons responsible for seven percent of the worldwide agriculture land becoming less productive which are no further specified.
The table shows that during the 1990s, Europe contained (<-- I reworded this to improve the clarity and sentence flow.) the highest amount of degraded farmland, at twenty-three percent, with deforestation causing the highest amount of damage. This region was followed by Oceania with thirteen percent of the agricultural land being degraded, which could be blamed upon over-grazing. Finally, North America had had the least proportion of degraded farmland, at only five percent – with over-cultivation being mostly responsible.
----
I enjoyed reading your answer, and I have some advice for you. Firstly, watch out for capital letters. I noticed that a couple of times, words were incorrectly capitalised within a sentence. Remember, only ‘proper nouns’ (like names of people, places, products or companies) are capitalised within a sentence. Of course, the word at the start of a sentence must be capitalised too.
Secondly, there were a few places where I felt extra punctuation would be beneficial. When used correctly, commas and dashes can be an effective way to demonstrate confidence and fluency in English. Try reading longer sentences aloud, or in your head. If you come across a place where you naturally pause, it’s often the right place to use a comma.
Finally, being concise is a key component of high-standard English. If a sentence seems long, try taking a few words out, or replacing them with a single equivalent word. If it still makes sense, you’re better off without them.
Overall, though, I thought your answer was excellent, and very well-written.
Keep practising,
SyntaxFox
Corrections are in red, and comments are in blue.
----
As can be seen from the pie chart, there are three principal reasons for farmland to become increasingly fruitless, with over-grazing being the main one. The table shows how (<-- Your sentence did make sense, but it’s always good to be concise where possible.) the regions of North America, Europe and Oceania were influenced by these three main causes of agricultural land degradation in the 1990s. (<-- The information provided is from ‘the 1990s’, not the year 1990 specifically.)
According to the pie chart, over-grazing accounted for thirty-five percent of farmland becoming less productive, while deforestation caused around thirty percent to (<-- Again, being concise is best. Also, you used the word ‘worldwide’, but the only regions mentioned were North America, Europe and Oceania. There are other regions in the world, like Africa, Asia or South America, so ‘worldwide’ is inaccurate.) become degraded, being the second most severe reason. The least impact of the three main reasons was the over-cultivation of farmland, at twenty-eight percent. There were also other reasons responsible for seven percent of the worldwide agriculture land becoming less productive which are no further specified.
The table shows that during the 1990s, Europe contained (<-- I reworded this to improve the clarity and sentence flow.) the highest amount of degraded farmland, at twenty-three percent, with deforestation causing the highest amount of damage. This region was followed by Oceania with thirteen percent of the agricultural land being degraded, which could be blamed upon over-grazing. Finally, North America had had the least proportion of degraded farmland, at only five percent – with over-cultivation being mostly responsible.
----
I enjoyed reading your answer, and I have some advice for you. Firstly, watch out for capital letters. I noticed that a couple of times, words were incorrectly capitalised within a sentence. Remember, only ‘proper nouns’ (like names of people, places, products or companies) are capitalised within a sentence. Of course, the word at the start of a sentence must be capitalised too.
Secondly, there were a few places where I felt extra punctuation would be beneficial. When used correctly, commas and dashes can be an effective way to demonstrate confidence and fluency in English. Try reading longer sentences aloud, or in your head. If you come across a place where you naturally pause, it’s often the right place to use a comma.
Finally, being concise is a key component of high-standard English. If a sentence seems long, try taking a few words out, or replacing them with a single equivalent word. If it still makes sense, you’re better off without them.
Overall, though, I thought your answer was excellent, and very well-written.
Keep practising,
SyntaxFox