Please Evaluate My Essay

[beatc]

School students should not be allowed to bring mobile phones to schools. Do you agree?

Nowadays, mobile phone is one of the most important things in our life. Without it, communication is difficult but possible. Unlike the old days, mobile phones can be used anywhere and anytime without the need to find nearby payphones. As time passed by, mobile phones have evolved and upgraded with attracting features such as small sizes. The price became cheaper as well and more young people can now own these tiny gadgets. Due to portability, youngsters tend to bring their phones everywhere, even to schools. From my point of view, school students should not be allowed to bring mobile phones to school as they cause distraction, provide access to inappropriate materials through Internet and encourage thievery among students.
First and foremost, mobile phones cause a distraction in class. Students can’t concentrate very well because they are too busy playing with their mobile phones. They spend so much time with their phones that they lost interest in learning and listening to their teachers in front. For example, students send messages through their phone in class distract them from learning because they find it more enjoyable. Consequently, students are unable to cope with their studies since they are left behind and eventually they fail in their subjects.
Moreover, mobile phones allow students to access explicit materials through the Web. School students can get Internet access easily in their phones through monthly payment or other similar ways. While there is no harm in having Internet accessibility, the main problem lies on the way the Internet is used. Students are able to access the Internet to download inappropriate materials that contain pornography, violence and other adult content and share them with other students through the use of Bluetooth. As a result, this will create an unhealthy interaction among students.
Furthermore, the rate of mobile theft increases in school. Sometimes students are being careless with their personal belongings such as mobile phones. They leave their phones everywhere and forget where they put them later after a short period of time. This creates an opportunity for someone with bad intention to steal those phones. For instance, students sometimes accidentally left their phone on the table during recess and later found out their phones were stolen. Hence, it is best for students to simply leave their phones at home in order to combat this issue.
In a nutshell, allowing school students to bring mobile phones to school is a move that is not in best interests of the students. This is due to the fact that it has many negative implications and consequences to everyone. Therefore, students’ mobile phones should not be allowed in schools.

[OnlineEnglishTeacher]

School students should not be allowed to bring mobile phones to schools. Do you agree?

Nowadays, mobile phone is one of the most important things in our life. Without it, communication is difficult but possible. Unlike the old days, mobile phones can be used anywhere and anytime without the need to find nearby payphones. As time passed by, mobile phones have evolved and upgraded with attracting features such as small sizes. The price became cheaper as well and more young people can now own these tiny gadgets. Due to portability, youngsters tend to bring their phones everywhere, even to schools. From my point of view, school students should not be allowed to bring mobile phones to school as they cause distraction, provide access to inappropriate materials through Internet and encourage thievery among students.
First and foremost, mobile phones cause a distraction in class. Students can’t concentrate very well because they are too busy playing with their mobile phones. They spend so much time with their phones that they lost interest in learning and listening to their teachers in front. For example, students send messages through their phone in class distract them from learning because they find it more enjoyable. Consequently, students are unable to cope with their studies since they are left behind and eventually they fail in their subjects.
Moreover, mobile phones allow students to access explicit materials through the Web. School students can get Internet access easily in their phones through monthly payment or other similar ways. While there is no harm in having Internet accessibility, the main problem lies on the way the Internet is used. Students are able to access the Internet to download inappropriate materials that contain pornography, violence and other adult content and share them with other students through the use of Bluetooth. As a result, this will create an unhealthy interaction among students.
Furthermore, the rate of mobile theft increases in school. Sometimes students are being careless with their personal belongings such as mobile phones. They leave their phones everywhere and forget where they put them later after a short period of time. This creates an opportunity for someone with bad intention to steal those phones. For instance, students sometimes accidentally left their phone on the table during recess and later found out their phones were stolen. Hence, it is best for students to simply leave their phones at home in order to combat this issue.
In a nutshell, allowing school students to bring mobile phones to school is a move that is not in best interests of the students. This is due to the fact that it has many negative implications and consequences to everyone. Therefore, students’ mobile phones should not be allowed in schools.

It was 438 words, so much too long - maybe maximum 300 is best.Nowadays, ("a") mobile phone is one of the most important things in our life. Without it, communication is difficult but possible. Unlike the old days, mobile phones can be used anywhere and anytime without the need to find nearby payphones. As time passed by, mobile phones have evolved and upgraded(", as well as") with attracting features such as small sizes. The price became cheaper as well and more young people can now own these tiny gadgets. Due to portability, youngsters tend to bring their phones everywhere, even to schools. From my point of view, school students should not be allowed to bring mobile phones to school as they cause distraction, provide access to inappropriate materials through ("the") Internet and encourage thievery among students.
First and foremost, mobile phones cause a distraction in class. Students can’t concentrate very well because they are too busy playing with their mobile phones. They spend so much time with their phones that they lost interest in learning and listening to their teachers in front. For example, students send messages through their phone in class(", distarcting") distract them from learning because they find it more enjoyable. Consequently, students are unable to cope with their studies since they are left behind and eventually they fail in their subjects.
Moreover, mobile phones allow students to access explicit materials through the Web. School students can get Internet access easily in their phones through monthly payment or other similar ways. While there is no harm in having Internet accessibility, the main problem lies ("in") on the way the Internet is used. Students are able to access the Internet to download inappropriate materials that contain pornography, violence and other adult content and share them with other students through the use of Bluetooth. As a result, this will create an unhealthy interaction among students.
Furthermore, the rate of mobile theft increases in school. Sometimes students are being careless with their personal belongings such as mobile phones. They leave their phones everywhere and forget where they put them later after a short period of time. This creates an opportunity for someone with bad intention to steal those phones. For instance, students sometimes accidentally left their phone on the table during recess and later found out their phones were stolen. Hence, it is best for students to simply leave their phones at home in order to combat this issue.
In a nutshell, allowing school students to bring mobile phones to school is a move that is not in ("the") best interests of the students. This is due to the fact that it has many negative implications and consequences to everyone. Therefore, students’ mobile phones should not be allowed in schools.

[beatc]

Thank you for your reply. The minimum words given is actually 315 words so i need write more than that. Btw, do you have any comment regarding with my essay? Maybe some tips? Thanks again!

[OnlineEnglishTeacher]

Thank you for your reply. The minimum words given is actually 315 words so i need write more than that. Btw, do you have any comment regarding with my essay? Maybe some tips? Thanks again!

I have been teaching the IELTS by Skype for over 4 years for 100s of classes and always understood the first task to be minimum 150 and the second 250, not 315 words.

If you cut the essay down to for example maximum 300 words, I can analyse it again again: http://www.textfixer.com/tools/online-w ... p#newText2 - normally I recommend students to avoid using the essay question vocab as much as possible and also to use the main words once or twice if possible - however for example you used the word "phones" 16 times etc..