Urgent(Test on 15.2.) - Essay Task2 Pls comment

[Pali]

Task: Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the following topic.
The tourism industry has grown enormously over the last 50 years, and there are few places which are unaffected by it. However, tourism rarely benefits the countries which tourists visit.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
You should use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence.
I chose: Discussion Essay >250

Globalization takes place all around us and it is also visible in the development of tourism. Since it has become easier and more affordable to travel, even remote paradises start becoming involved in tourism. It is on one side described in the following that beautiful peaceful places suffer from the influence of tourist industry. On the other side local business can profit from economical growth, as will be shown.
Tourist industry entails changes in local infrastructures and environment that reduce the places attractivity enormously, when not carried out sensitively. Benidorm, for example, a big Spanish city once was a lovely little fishermen’s village. Through the development of tourism it was transformed into an agglomeration of skyscrapers within only two decades. The former charme of the village had vanished completely, which is non beneficial for the citizens at all.
On the other hand not every society was flourishing before the arrival of tourism. Some could not wait to see foreigners come into the country and support the local business. For example, the isle of Mauritius had an only small economy, mainly consisting of the rum and tissue industry. When the island came into reachable distance for European tourists, the economy of Mauritius encountered a growth that made it possible to build new homes, hospitals and enhance infrastructure. This shows how tourism can be supportive for the locals and thus be beneficial for a country.
Finally, on one hand tourism can endanger the natural appearance and style of an area; on the other hand it supports the local economy in different ways. From my point of view tourism is beneficial for a country providing that the people behind it are aware of their responsibility. Future tourism should be focussing on careful handling of countrysites and citizens, when establishing tourism.



[Thanks for your help, regards Stefan]

[Grammar Girl]

Hi Stefan,

Here are a couple of quick thoughts:

Globalization is taking place all around us, (<--Avoid being so personal in your essay. You are expected to present an academic tone.) and its growth is also visible in the development of tourism. Since it has become easier and more affordable to travel, even remote paradises are becoming increasingly involved (<--Perhaps "affected by" is what you mean?) in tourism. It is on one side described in the following that beautiful peaceful places suffer from the influence of tourist industry. On the other side local business can profit from economical growth, as will be shown. (<--Why are you setting up a discussion essay here? The essay question requests a statement of position. The most straightforward approach you could take would be to state clearly "I agree/disagree" or "It is agreed/disagreed that...".)

The tourist industry changes local infrastructures and environments, and this reduces the attractiveness enormously when not carried out sensitively. (<--Sensitively? Would something like "with caution" or "responsibly" be more the idea you're trying to present?) Benidorm, for example, a big Spanish city, was once a lovely little fishermen’s village. Through the development of tourism it was transformed into an agglomeration of skyscrapers within only two decades. The former charm of the village has vanished completely, which is not beneficial for the citizens at all. (<--So what is the conclusion you are drawing here? Make a clear statement linking this paragraph back to your essay question. Something like: "Thus, the negative ramifications of tourism on historical areas can be seen.")

On the other hand, not every society was flourishing before the arrival of tourism. Some could not wait to see foreigners come into the country and support the local business. (<--Be direct here. Starting this paragraph with "...not every society was flourishing before the arrival of tourism" avoids the main topic. You should be declaring something like: "On the other hand, tourism can catalyze progression and economic prosperity in undeveloped areas of the world.") For example, the isle of Mauritius had only a small economy, mainly consisting of industries in rum and tissue. (<--Can you provide the period of time you are talking about? "Had only" isn't very specific. I don't know anything about Mauritius. Are we talking about five years ago?) When the island came into (<--Change this to "With the influx of tourism from Europe, ...".) the economy of Mauritius encountered a growth that made it possible to build new homes, hospitals and enhance infrastructure. This shows how tourism can be supportive for the locals and thus be (<--Take out "be".) beneficial for a country.

Finally, (<--Do not use "finally". It makes the paragraph read as though it is another supporting paragraph. Start with something like "Following this look at the benefits and drawbacks of tourism...".) on on (<--On on?) one hand, tourism can endanger the natural appearance and style of an area; (Start a new sentence here.) on the other hand it supports the local economy in different ways. From my point of view, tourism is beneficial for a country provided that the people are aware of their responsibility. Future tourism industries should ensure the careful handling of countrysides and citizens.

The grammar is this essay is weak and causes incoherence. This in turn hurts the overall achievement of the task. I would expect this essay to score band 5 or 5.5 (at the very most).