please grade my essay IELTS Academic Writing Task 2

[Leela]

In some societies it is common to try to achieve good health and fitness through physically sports, special diets, or preventative medicine conventional or alternative. Some people, however, believe that the best way to stay fit and healthy is simply to lead a normal life.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.


Since the dawn of time our health is the only thing we really have, so, we can be taken away our money, clothes or houses we still survive, however, without well-being, we cannot be in existence. In today’s competitive world, some people try to gain well doing and fitness by demanding some sport activities regularly, special diets and so on, when others assert that the best way to have a good health and stay fit is ought to ordinary life. I absolutely agree with the second statement’s part and there are a few reasons for my agreement to this motion which is based on normal life’s activities and foods consumption.
First of all, there are many common sporting daily life’s activities which are not less profitable than physically demanding sports or special diets, such as morning walking, running, swimming. For example, my grandmother, who is nearly ninety, always walks at least two kilometers around our village every morning. She said that walking helps to keep the old bone resistant and that the fresh air makes you feel quiet and refreshing. Moreover, she can do some domestic works such as cooking, washing, planting, etc.
Secondly, our meal consumption plays a crucial role in determining our health as our body obtains energy and nutrients from our food intake. In my opinion, even without following a strict diet, we can still remain healthy by simply eating normally. For instance, we should hold back from taking food which consists of sugar, salt or preservatives such as carbonated drinks, junk food and especially fast food. This is because consuming such food could lead to health problems like diabetes and obesity. It is also advisable to add some vegetables, fibers and fruits in our daily consumption as this can ensure that our body will obtain sufficient nutrients from the food.
To summarize, I suppose that the efforts to achieve a wonderful health and fitness will not be futile, if a person takes part in some natural daily life’s activities and eats organic food.

[durai]

Hi,

I think this one is a weird topic, normal life includes playing sports, eating healthy and taking medicines....then how can I differentiate.


anyway, in the first supporting para, you said your grandmother walks for 2 kms, its still a physical excercise, do you think its a normal life. I didn't see normal person walks for 2 kms only diabetes patients...my mother walks 3 kms ..she has high blood sugar however, I am not sure.

i would take opposite view,

need sports, medicines, healthy food to live normal life in this disease's world.
because I can give real life examples....


comments about your essay;

para one: too long...111 words one two the total size of an essay, just give short background statement, give your opinion, maximum 50 words.

para two: examples irrelevant- you suppose to say how we can live helathy by doing things..wlaking 2 kms evry morning is not common for most people, you could have said : In india, then presnet old generations are fit and healthy. This is becasue there was not any machines for washing, mixing or and bycycles were available. With such normal life, they were living healthy life..

para 3: eating food with sugar and salt is common and normal food contains these mixtures. avoiding fast food, junk food is way of maintaing helathy diet. so again , your point favours opposite side.

para 4: not clear

I think if you have made your thesis on the otehr side, i.e diet, sports, medicines are importnat to lead anormal life, that would be somewaht appropriate to the supporting paragraphs.


looks band 5 to 5.5 ( i am not an assessor)

[Leela]

Anyway,thanks a lot for your feedback!) It's very important for me!