T2 - The essay I wrote for the contest..

[allen_zhang]

In some cultures, children are expected to follow very strict rules of behaviour. In other cultures, children are allowed to do almost anything they want. What are the merits of each opinion? What is your position on the matter? Include relevant examples in your response

It is true that the ideology on children upbringing varies from culture to culture. In some countries, especially those in Asia, children are often required to follow strict rules, whereas many western parents prefer to give more autonomy to their kids.

On the one hand, there are several benefits of giving strict control on children’s behavior. One major benefit of this parenting style is that children can learn to respect authorities and will be more disciplined. This explains why the crime rate in Asian countries such as China and Japan is far lower than that of some western countries. Furthermore, children in Asian countries have higher academic performance than their western counterparts. This is also attributed to the strict regulation these Asian children get from their parents.

On the other hand, some people believe that giving more freedom to children is more beneficial to the well-being of children and society. To begin with, children are more likely to have a happy childhood if they are given more autonomy. While Asian school boys and girls are busy working on their piles of homework, many western children can enjoy wider range of activities like, for example, playing sports games and having parties. Without a doubt, childhood will be much more enjoyable for these lucky western young ages. Another potential merit of this kind of parenting style is that children under less restriction tend to be more creative. Society will finally benefit from this when a more creative generation of children grow up. This is probably why most innovative and creative companies are located in western countries.

In conclusion, from my point of view, for the well-being of children and the creativity of society, it would be better to give the young generation more freedom.

[durai]

It is true that the ideology on children upbringing varies from culture to culture. In some countries, especially remove 'those, in Asia, children are often required to follow strict rules, whereas many western parents prefer to give more autonomy to their kids. kids sounds informal , use 'little ones'.

On the one hand, there are several benefits of giving strict control on children’s behavior. Major benefits because you gave two benefits of this parenting style is that children can learn to respect authorities 'elders ' may be appropriate and will be more disciplined. This explains why the crime rate in Asian countries such as China and Japan is far lesser than that of some western countries. Furthermore, children in Asian countries have higher academic performance than their western counterparts. This is also attributed to the strict regulations these Asian children get from their parents.

On the other hand, some people believe that giving more freedom to children is more beneficial to the well-being of themselves ( avoid using same word twice in one sentence and society. To begin with, children are more likely to have a happy childhood if they are given more autonomy. While Asian school boys and girls are busy working on their piles of homework, many western children can enjoy a wider range of activities like, for example, playing sports games and having parties. Without a doubt, childhood will be much more enjoyable for these lucky western young ages. Another potential merit of this kind of parenting style is that children under less restriction tend to be more creative. Society will finally benefit from this when a more creative generation of children grow up. This is probably why most innovative and creative companies are located in western countries.

In conclusion, from my point of view, for the well-being of children and the creativity of society, it would be better to give the young generation more freedom.


well, not many grammar errors, but I feel something missing in this essay. I assume clarity because of too many points listed, but not all of them extended with examples.

[allen_zhang]

Thanks Durai,
I know that your approach usually just lists one point in one paragraph and explain it in detail. I admit that it is a good approach.
I learned my way from another teacher and he often presents 2 to 3 points in one paragraph. and he doesn't explain all points in the same depth. Usually, the first one will be given more focus and often with examples given.

I got two points on the merits of restrict regulation:
1. respect authorities and discipline.
2. higher academic performance.

Two merits of autonomy:
1. happier childhood.
2. children are more creative.

Asia is not a country, that's why I used "those in Asia"
"Crime rate" should "lower" but not "lesser".
If I use "themselves" to replace "the children", readers may assume that it refers to "some people".


Best regards,
Allen