Do you prefer to live in the countryside or in a big city?
An increasing number of people are choosing to move to the countryside in industrialized countries in an effort to obtain a higher quality of life. They are of the opinion that the countryside can offer them a cleaner and less stressful environment. However, I strongly prefer to live in an urbanized area for the following reasons.
To begin with, living in a city offers people significant economic advantages. Individuals will have more employment opportunities because there are numerous international corporation located in big cities. Take Shanghai as an example. It is a city with a population of over 20 million people and houses global corporations such as Apple, Intel, and Microsoft, all of which provide thousands of jobs to local residents. What's more, these multinational conglomerates generally offer residents higher salaries. According to statistics released by the Ministry of Labor and Social Security in China, university graduates residing in cities typically make 20% more than those living in the countryside even when they have similar jobs. For a fresh college graduate like me, this benefit is essential as I have to pay back my student loans.
On the other hand, residing in the countryside is preferable for some since they are able to enjoy a higher quality of life. There is less air and water pollution in rural areas, which contributes to better health. Additionally, rural residents are exposed to less pressure and stress as they are far away from the hustle and bustle of the city. Nevertheless, despite these advantages, living in rural locations cannot always guarantee a healthier and better life. People residing in more remote areas often do not have access to advanced medical care available in big city hospitals. Those currently unemployed also have fewer job opportunities, and this will undoubtedly lead to greater stress and pressure.
In conclusion, a big city is a much better place for me to live in. The economic benefits of the city far outweigh the few health benefits rural areas have to offer, especially when considering my current financial situation.(341 words)
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A few questions about this essay:
1. We typically avoid writing in the first person in academic writing. Yet, the question specifically asks us to address the question in the first person. Hence, was the focus of my essay off since I considered the issue from the perspective of the general public? Do I need to focus more on my specific situation?
2. Are enough factors considered?
3. Would this essay achieve a Band 9 or lower? What can I improve to get it up to a 9? The writing rubric released to the public is a bit vague.
Thank you!
How to Reach Band 9?
How to Reach Band 9?
Last edited by Davechen on Thu May 29, 2014 2:21 am, edited 3 times in total.
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Johnson zhang
- Posts: 153
- Joined: Fri May 23, 2014 8:34 am
Re: Band 9 or Lower? How to Improve?
- Task Achievement (how well you answer the question)
- Coherence and Cohesion (the layout, and ordering and linking of ideas in your letter)
- Lexical Resource (use of appropriate vocabulary)
- Grammatical Range and Accuracy (the accuracy and range of the grammar you use)
Do you prefer to live in the countryside or in a big city?
An increasing number of people are choosing to move to the countryside in industrialized countries in an effort to obtain a higher quality of life. obtain the quality?They are of the opinion that the countryside can offer them a cleaner and less stressful environment. However, I strongly prefer to live in an urbanized area for the following reasons.
To begin with, living in a city offers people significant economic advantages.good Individuals will have more employment opportunities because there are numerous international corporation located in big cities. Take Shanghai as an example. It is a city with a population of over 20 million people and houses global corporations such as Apple, Intel, and Microsoft, all of which provide thousands of jobs to local residents. What's more, these multinational conglomerates generally offer residents higher salaries. According to statistics released by the Ministry of Labor and Social Security in China, university graduates residing in cities typically make 20% more than those living in the countryside even when they have similar jobs. For a fresh college graduate like me, this benefit is essential as I have to pay back my student loans. good
On the other hand, residing in the countryside is preferable for some since they are able to live enjoy a higher quality of life.really ? higher quality in the country? maybe in terms of limited aspects There is supposedly less air and water pollution in rural areas, which contributes to better health. Additionally, rural residents are exposed to less pressure and stress as they are far away from the hustle and bustle of the city. Nevertheless, while there is indeed some truth in these claims, living in rural areas cannot always guarantee a better and healthier life. People residing in remote locations often do not have access to advanced medical care that is available in big city hospitals. Those currently unemployed also have fewer job opportunities, and this will undoubtedly lead to greater stress and pressure. this para's topic sentence tells me you are gonna discuss the other side! this topic sentence functions very poorly
In conclusion, a big city is a much better place for me to live in. The economic benefits of the city far outweigh the few health benefits rural areas have to offer, especially when considering my current financial status.(343 words)
first, avoiding using personal pronouns doesn't mean forbidding
second, it is how your augments get the support that matters
I would give you a 8, your essay is the best one i'v read so far on this forum although there is a major mishap with one topic sentence. Did you graduate from an US uni? "cause you could at least get a student loan that'd not be possible in shanghai. From your ideas' fluency and your confidence to get a 9, is Eng your 1st language ?
My advice for you are
to write concisely , it is easier to achieve a 9 with an essay of 260-290 words 'cause of the time restrain than a long one.
to substitute some repeating words , e.g a big city to a metro city , or a metropolis
here is one possible band 9 essay written by an ex examiner.
IELTS Writing Task 2: 'salary' essay
When choosing a job, the salary is the most important consideration. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Many people choose their jobs based on the size of the salary offered. Personally, I disagree with the idea that money is the key consideration when deciding on a career, because I believe that other factors are equally important.
On the one hand, I agree that money is necessary in order for people to meet their basic needs. For example, we all need money to pay for housing, food, bills, health care, and education. Most people consider it a priority to at least earn a salary that allows them to cover these needs and have a reasonable quality of life. If people chose their jobs based on enjoyment or other non-financial factors, they might find it difficult to support themselves. Artists and musicians, for instance, are known for choosing a career path that they love, but that does not always provide them with enough money to live comfortably and raise a family.
Nevertheless, I believe that other considerations are just as important as what we earn in our jobs. Firstly, personal relationships and the atmosphere in a workplace are extremely important when choosing a job. Having a good manager or friendly colleagues, for example, can make a huge difference to workers’ levels of happiness and general quality of life. Secondly, many people’s feelings of job satisfaction come from their professional achievements, the skills they learn, and the position they reach, rather than the money they earn. Finally, some people choose a career because they want to help others and contribute something positive to society.
In conclusion, while salaries certainly affect people’s choice of profession, I do not believe that money outweighs all other motivators.
- Coherence and Cohesion (the layout, and ordering and linking of ideas in your letter)
- Lexical Resource (use of appropriate vocabulary)
- Grammatical Range and Accuracy (the accuracy and range of the grammar you use)
Do you prefer to live in the countryside or in a big city?
An increasing number of people are choosing to move to the countryside in industrialized countries in an effort to obtain a higher quality of life. obtain the quality?They are of the opinion that the countryside can offer them a cleaner and less stressful environment. However, I strongly prefer to live in an urbanized area for the following reasons.
To begin with, living in a city offers people significant economic advantages.good Individuals will have more employment opportunities because there are numerous international corporation located in big cities. Take Shanghai as an example. It is a city with a population of over 20 million people and houses global corporations such as Apple, Intel, and Microsoft, all of which provide thousands of jobs to local residents. What's more, these multinational conglomerates generally offer residents higher salaries. According to statistics released by the Ministry of Labor and Social Security in China, university graduates residing in cities typically make 20% more than those living in the countryside even when they have similar jobs. For a fresh college graduate like me, this benefit is essential as I have to pay back my student loans. good
On the other hand, residing in the countryside is preferable for some since they are able to live enjoy a higher quality of life.really ? higher quality in the country? maybe in terms of limited aspects There is supposedly less air and water pollution in rural areas, which contributes to better health. Additionally, rural residents are exposed to less pressure and stress as they are far away from the hustle and bustle of the city. Nevertheless, while there is indeed some truth in these claims, living in rural areas cannot always guarantee a better and healthier life. People residing in remote locations often do not have access to advanced medical care that is available in big city hospitals. Those currently unemployed also have fewer job opportunities, and this will undoubtedly lead to greater stress and pressure. this para's topic sentence tells me you are gonna discuss the other side! this topic sentence functions very poorly
In conclusion, a big city is a much better place for me to live in. The economic benefits of the city far outweigh the few health benefits rural areas have to offer, especially when considering my current financial status.(343 words)
first, avoiding using personal pronouns doesn't mean forbidding
second, it is how your augments get the support that matters
I would give you a 8, your essay is the best one i'v read so far on this forum although there is a major mishap with one topic sentence. Did you graduate from an US uni? "cause you could at least get a student loan that'd not be possible in shanghai. From your ideas' fluency and your confidence to get a 9, is Eng your 1st language ?
My advice for you are
to write concisely , it is easier to achieve a 9 with an essay of 260-290 words 'cause of the time restrain than a long one.
to substitute some repeating words , e.g a big city to a metro city , or a metropolis
here is one possible band 9 essay written by an ex examiner.
IELTS Writing Task 2: 'salary' essay
When choosing a job, the salary is the most important consideration. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Many people choose their jobs based on the size of the salary offered. Personally, I disagree with the idea that money is the key consideration when deciding on a career, because I believe that other factors are equally important.
On the one hand, I agree that money is necessary in order for people to meet their basic needs. For example, we all need money to pay for housing, food, bills, health care, and education. Most people consider it a priority to at least earn a salary that allows them to cover these needs and have a reasonable quality of life. If people chose their jobs based on enjoyment or other non-financial factors, they might find it difficult to support themselves. Artists and musicians, for instance, are known for choosing a career path that they love, but that does not always provide them with enough money to live comfortably and raise a family.
Nevertheless, I believe that other considerations are just as important as what we earn in our jobs. Firstly, personal relationships and the atmosphere in a workplace are extremely important when choosing a job. Having a good manager or friendly colleagues, for example, can make a huge difference to workers’ levels of happiness and general quality of life. Secondly, many people’s feelings of job satisfaction come from their professional achievements, the skills they learn, and the position they reach, rather than the money they earn. Finally, some people choose a career because they want to help others and contribute something positive to society.
In conclusion, while salaries certainly affect people’s choice of profession, I do not believe that money outweighs all other motivators.
Last edited by Johnson zhang on Wed May 28, 2014 6:50 am, edited 1 time in total.
Nothing is impossible! Band score 9 is certainly not.
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allen_zhang
- Posts: 362
- Joined: Tue Feb 25, 2014 2:41 am
Re: How to Reach Band 9
Why are you expecting 9?
It seems to be a impossible mission for non-native speakers.....
Also, I didn't see any qualities of 9 from you essay. Sorry for saying this....
It seems to be a impossible mission for non-native speakers.....
Also, I didn't see any qualities of 9 from you essay. Sorry for saying this....
Do you prefer to live in the countryside or in a big city?
An increasing number of people are choosing to move to the countryside in industrialized countries in an effort to obtain a higher quality of life. They are of the opinion that the countryside can offer them a cleaner and less stressful environment. However, I strongly prefer to live in an urbanized area for the following reasons.
To begin with, living in a city offers people significant economic advantages. Individuals will have more employment opportunities because there are numerous international corporations located in big cities. Take Shanghai as an example. It is a city with a population of over 20 million people and houses global corporations such as Apple, Intel, and Microsoft, all of which provide thousands of jobs to local residents. What's more, these multinational conglomerates generally offer residents their employees higher salaries than other companies. According to statistics released by the Ministry of Labor and Social Security in China, university graduates residing in cities typically make 20% more than those living in the I would remove "the" countryside even when they have similar jobs. For a fresh college graduate like me, this benefit is essential as I have to pay back my student loans.
On the other hand, residing in the countryside is preferable for some since they are able to live remove "live" enjoy a higher quality of life. There is less air and water pollution in rural areas, which contributes to better health. Additionally, rural residents are exposed to less pressure and stress as they are far away from the hustle and bustle of the city --> cities. Nevertheless, despite these advantages, living in these locations cannot always guarantee a healthier and better life. People residing in more remote locations often do not have access to advanced medical care available in big city hospitals. Those currently unemployed also have fewer job opportunities, and this will undoubtedly lead to greater stress and pressure.
Generally, you said "on the other hand", the reader will expect you to just write the advantages of living in rural areas. However, you talked a lot disadvantages of rural life.
In conclusion, a big city is a much better place for me to live in. The economic benefits of the city far outweigh the few health benefits rural areas have to offer(are you sure about "have to offer"? I feel "have" or "can offer" is good enough, and when it comes to "have to offer", I would think about "must offer"), especially when considering my current financial status.(341 words)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A few questions about this essay:
1. We typically avoid writing in the first person in academic writing. Yet, the question specifically asks us to address the question in the first person. Hence, was the focus of my essay off since I considered the issue from the perspective of the general public? Do I need to focus more on my specific situation?
2. Are enough factors considered?
3. Would this essay achieve a Band 9 or lower? What can I improve to get it up to a 9? The writing rubric released to the public is a bit vague.
Thank you!
Last edited by allen_zhang on Wed May 28, 2014 7:10 am, edited 1 time in total.
#1 2013-09-07 L7.5; R8; S6; W6
#2 2014-03-08 L7.5; R7; S7; W5.5
#3 2014-05-10 L7.5; R8; S6.5; W6
#4 2014-06-21 L7.5; R6.5; S5.5; W7
#4 2014-06-21 L7.5; R6.5; S7; W5.5
#2 2014-03-08 L7.5; R7; S7; W5.5
#3 2014-05-10 L7.5; R8; S6.5; W6
#4 2014-06-21 L7.5; R6.5; S5.5; W7
#4 2014-06-21 L7.5; R6.5; S7; W5.5
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Johnson zhang
- Posts: 153
- Joined: Fri May 23, 2014 8:34 am
Re: How to Reach Band 9
allen zhang,
this essay is actually very good despite that mistake. I wouldnt be surprised if he is a native speaker.
there are heaps of asians born or raised overseas in shanghai.
this essay is actually very good despite that mistake. I wouldnt be surprised if he is a native speaker.
there are heaps of asians born or raised overseas in shanghai.
Nothing is impossible! Band score 9 is certainly not.
Re: How to Reach Band 9
Thank you for your feedback. I think your assessment is quite fair. I understand my writing is not perfect, but given the time limit, I'm not sure what exactly the graders are looking for.
On my first test, I wrote an extremely complex essay considering multiple factors, only to receive an 8. The next time, I wrote a more concise one and tried to reduce my errors...only to end up with a 8.5. So, the only things I can think of are spelling errors, which I'm unable to check for when writing on paper. I suppose I rely on spell check too much and should force myself to hand write more often. I think also I can make greater use of content words, but since the grading rubric is quite vague, I'm uncertain exactly what I'm missing, which is why I'm seeking for the advice of a former grader.
As for the rest of my IELTS scores in each section, they typically range from 8 to 9.
EDIT: FYI, no, I'm not a native speaker but have been using English on a daily basis for quite some time
EDIT 2: I'm trying to obtain a 9 on all sections because I simply wish to improve my abilities. Isn't self-improvement the greatest motivation of all?
On my first test, I wrote an extremely complex essay considering multiple factors, only to receive an 8. The next time, I wrote a more concise one and tried to reduce my errors...only to end up with a 8.5. So, the only things I can think of are spelling errors, which I'm unable to check for when writing on paper. I suppose I rely on spell check too much and should force myself to hand write more often. I think also I can make greater use of content words, but since the grading rubric is quite vague, I'm uncertain exactly what I'm missing, which is why I'm seeking for the advice of a former grader.
As for the rest of my IELTS scores in each section, they typically range from 8 to 9.
EDIT: FYI, no, I'm not a native speaker but have been using English on a daily basis for quite some time
EDIT 2: I'm trying to obtain a 9 on all sections because I simply wish to improve my abilities. Isn't self-improvement the greatest motivation of all?
Last edited by Davechen on Wed May 28, 2014 8:45 am, edited 5 times in total.
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allen_zhang
- Posts: 362
- Joined: Tue Feb 25, 2014 2:41 am
Re: How to Reach Band 9
I admit that he has a good grammar control.
However, I read a lot of sample essays written by native speakers and examiners. My impression on these essays is that they are usually very attractive and informative with sophisticate wording choices. That's what I didn't see from this piece.
Anyway, I an not an expert and this is just my personal understanding.
Rumors say: there are only 2 band 9 achievers in the history of Chinese IELTS test and we have had 5 chairmen of our country. which means it is harder than making yourself the chairman of China to get a band 9!
However, I read a lot of sample essays written by native speakers and examiners. My impression on these essays is that they are usually very attractive and informative with sophisticate wording choices. That's what I didn't see from this piece.
Anyway, I an not an expert and this is just my personal understanding.
Rumors say: there are only 2 band 9 achievers in the history of Chinese IELTS test and we have had 5 chairmen of our country. which means it is harder than making yourself the chairman of China to get a band 9!
#1 2013-09-07 L7.5; R8; S6; W6
#2 2014-03-08 L7.5; R7; S7; W5.5
#3 2014-05-10 L7.5; R8; S6.5; W6
#4 2014-06-21 L7.5; R6.5; S5.5; W7
#4 2014-06-21 L7.5; R6.5; S7; W5.5
#2 2014-03-08 L7.5; R7; S7; W5.5
#3 2014-05-10 L7.5; R8; S6.5; W6
#4 2014-06-21 L7.5; R6.5; S5.5; W7
#4 2014-06-21 L7.5; R6.5; S7; W5.5
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Johnson zhang
- Posts: 153
- Joined: Fri May 23, 2014 8:34 am
Re: How to Reach Band 9
No allen zhang
I personally met two ABC who did the test in shanghai and got a 9 in writing .
there would be more
I personally met two ABC who did the test in shanghai and got a 9 in writing .
there would be more
Nothing is impossible! Band score 9 is certainly not.
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Johnson zhang
- Posts: 153
- Joined: Fri May 23, 2014 8:34 am
Re: How to Reach Band 9
Aslo, i think you missed the point of the test. I find it is very difficult to understand your essays , allenzhang. thus, i would give you a low score like 6 in a test.
Dave's this essay is good isn't 'cause he made few mistakes. it is 'cause it is effortless to read his essay. His ideas flow!
Dave's this essay is good isn't 'cause he made few mistakes. it is 'cause it is effortless to read his essay. His ideas flow!
Last edited by Johnson zhang on Wed May 28, 2014 7:19 am, edited 1 time in total.
Nothing is impossible! Band score 9 is certainly not.
Re: How to Reach Band 9
I have a question about giving both viewpoints.
In most of the samples, both view points are given despite the writer favoring one viewpoint.
In the US, a rebuttal of the opposing point should come before the conclusion.
However, in some samples, the writer only hastily refutes the final point in the final paragraph. Is this the norm in IELTS?
In most of the samples, both view points are given despite the writer favoring one viewpoint.
In the US, a rebuttal of the opposing point should come before the conclusion.
However, in some samples, the writer only hastily refutes the final point in the final paragraph. Is this the norm in IELTS?
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allen_zhang
- Posts: 362
- Joined: Tue Feb 25, 2014 2:41 am
Re: How to Reach Band 9
I know I am not good enough. That's why I am still trying.
I just need 7...
I just need 7...
#1 2013-09-07 L7.5; R8; S6; W6
#2 2014-03-08 L7.5; R7; S7; W5.5
#3 2014-05-10 L7.5; R8; S6.5; W6
#4 2014-06-21 L7.5; R6.5; S5.5; W7
#4 2014-06-21 L7.5; R6.5; S7; W5.5
#2 2014-03-08 L7.5; R7; S7; W5.5
#3 2014-05-10 L7.5; R8; S6.5; W6
#4 2014-06-21 L7.5; R6.5; S5.5; W7
#4 2014-06-21 L7.5; R6.5; S7; W5.5
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Johnson zhang
- Posts: 153
- Joined: Fri May 23, 2014 8:34 am
Re: How to Reach Band 9
IELTS is british.Davechen wrote: I have a question about giving both viewpoints.
In most of the samples, both view points are given despite the writer favoring one viewpoint.
In the US, a rebuttal of the opposing point should come before the conclusion.
However, in some samples, the writer only hastily refutes the final point in the final paragraph. Is this the norm in IELTS?
If you were to discuss, you have two options to write an intro
1, both sides of this argument will be discussed. The latter is preferred.
2, both sides of this argument will be discussed.
in the conclusion, obviously you should state your opinions
Last edited by Johnson zhang on Wed May 28, 2014 9:21 am, edited 1 time in total.
Nothing is impossible! Band score 9 is certainly not.
Re: How to Reach Band 9
Feels dangerous to not fully refute the opposing point.
US Approach
Intro +Thesis: support A
PI: support A because of the advantages
P2: support B because of the advantages
P3: I choose A because A >B
Conclusion: summary of thesis and essay
--------------------------------------------
Band 9 Samples from Graders
Intro + Thesis: support A
P1: support A because of the advantages
P2: support B because of the advantages
Conclusion: A > B (not much support, basically you state A >B in a sentence or two)
--------------------------------------------
From an American standpoint, the rebuttal of the counter-argument is not sufficient. American writers, at least for short academic essays, seldom put the final opinion with the rebuttal of the counter-argument/opposing view in the conclusion. I suppose I should adapt the British approach then. I will try this on the next test and let you guys know
I also think I should write more fluently/freely instead of following mechanical and redundant sentence patterns (an increasing number of people begin to)...so these are the aspects I will try to work on.
Thank you for your suggestions!
US Approach
Intro +Thesis: support A
PI: support A because of the advantages
P2: support B because of the advantages
P3: I choose A because A >B
Conclusion: summary of thesis and essay
--------------------------------------------
Band 9 Samples from Graders
Intro + Thesis: support A
P1: support A because of the advantages
P2: support B because of the advantages
Conclusion: A > B (not much support, basically you state A >B in a sentence or two)
--------------------------------------------
From an American standpoint, the rebuttal of the counter-argument is not sufficient. American writers, at least for short academic essays, seldom put the final opinion with the rebuttal of the counter-argument/opposing view in the conclusion. I suppose I should adapt the British approach then. I will try this on the next test and let you guys know
I also think I should write more fluently/freely instead of following mechanical and redundant sentence patterns (an increasing number of people begin to)...so these are the aspects I will try to work on.
Thank you for your suggestions!
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Johnson zhang
- Posts: 153
- Joined: Fri May 23, 2014 8:34 am
Re: How to Reach Band 9?
Band 9 Samples from Graders
Intro + Thesis: support A I am not sure you got my point. For ielts, there needn't be a thesis for a discussion! it means, intro + sides to be discussed + (optionally support for A)
P1: support A because of the advantages
P2: support B because of the advantages
Conclusion: A > B
Intro + Thesis: support A I am not sure you got my point. For ielts, there needn't be a thesis for a discussion! it means, intro + sides to be discussed + (optionally support for A)
P1: support A because of the advantages
P2: support B because of the advantages
Conclusion: A > B
Nothing is impossible! Band score 9 is certainly not.
Re: How to Reach Band 9?
I see, it's always stressed in the US that your thesis needs to be clear in the beginning...Johnson zhang wrote:Band 9 Samples from Graders
Intro + Thesis: support A I am not sure you got my point. For ielts, there needn't be a thesis for a discussion! it means, intro + sides to be discussed + (optionally support for A)
P1: support A because of the advantages
P2: support B because of the advantages
Conclusion: A > B