Please have a look of the essay and give feedback of it

[Kitpanc]

Countries have spent a large amount of funding on space exploration, discuss the pros and cons in space technology development in modern society. Give your own opinion on whether the government should put so much effort on this aspect of development in a country.

In recent years, many governments have been speeding enormous amount of money in doing space projects. Yet, whether doing this brings more good than harm to our society has become one of the popular questions to many people. Personally, I believe that the governments should reduce the amount of funding for space exploration. Thus, both advantages and disadvantages of performing space exploration will be discussed in this paper in order to justify my point of view.
On one hand, space researching have proved that is a blessing to extend the human survival. It provides a great opportunity for human to seek for a new home.Take a good example of recent finding in related to space research.Some scientists discovered a new planet where human can be able to survive with.This remarkable result can reduce the problem of population booming. In addition,this can also increase the available number of lands and valuable resources. Therefore, doing space researches is a plus to the long term development in terms of maintaining the existent of mankind.
On the other hand, even though the advantages of doing space exploration sound attractive to many people, we cannot underestimate the drawbacks of it.It is reasonable to assume that the more money spend on space researching the lesser funding will be used to other areas. For instance, China is known as one of the most successful countries in space technology, however, we cannot denial that many people are living in a miserable way at there because of the insufficient financial support provided by their local authorities. Citizens have to suffer from starvation, illness, homeless, to name but a few to support the space projects. If these basic human rights cannot be guaranteed, what is the point for the government to do space researching and to abandon the urgent problems that it has?
In conclusion, I believe that excessively doing space experiments can ruin a country completely, if the government cannot provide a promising future to their residents. Thus, I would suggest that the governments should always put their citizens at the first prior among others.

[Ryan]

Hi Kitpanc,

I believe I have a sample essay for this question up at ieltsielts.com. (You may need to do a Google search to find it.)

I think the overall direction of your essay is good. The structure is present. The language you use to show you are going from the advantages to the disadvantages works well. The examples you share and the conclusions you draw from them are fairly good. However, grammatical weakness makes certain parts of your essay awkward to read. You are coherent throughout, but some phrasings do cause your reader to strain. I am also unclear why you start each supporting paragraph with two topic sentences.

In addition to the above, the tone of the essay needs a bit of improvement. Cut out all of the personal language. Don't ask rhetorical questions. This is not a letter.

I'm going to say this essay is about a band 6. With grammatical cleanup, we can expect this mark to jump.