Writing - Task 2, Please evaluate, thanks!

[lerealist]

Module: AC, Written in: 40 minutes, Word Count: 290
Prompt: Some people say History is one of the most important school subjects. Other people think that, in today's world, subjects like Science and Technology are more important than History.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Our society relies heavily on the school system to better educate the students about our collective past and History while also equipping the young minds with Science and Technology to have a better life. Some people believe that courses like Science and Technology are more important than learning about the past. In contrast, others argue that more attention to History is needed. In this essay, I will examine the mentioned arguments and provide my own point of view at last.
Firstly, History is believed to be a nation’s backbone and a source of national pride for many. For example, in Iran, a country dating back to over 2500 years ago, it is a common belief that since the country has a colorful past filled with rises and falls of various kingdoms, History courses must be mandatory, and more of them should be taught. This results in Science and Technology books and materials to be often outdated since it is believed that it is not a priority by the ministry of education.
Secondly, western cultures are famous for their high educational standards for Science and Technology programs in school and believe History courses only prohibit bright students from gaining knowledge in the fields like Mathematics, Computer Science, and Technology. For instance, some high schools in the US hardly have History courses. This leads to some ignorance towards political issues and not being grateful towards the gifts of their nation.
In conclusion, although some people believe that prioritizing Science and Technology is wrong and will lead to lack of gratitude towards your nation’s History, I believe History courses are unnecessary and time-consuming, as this knowledge can be attained with merely reading books in this area, since understanding this subject doesn’t need tutoring.

[goldcoastielts]

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YouTube - "Task 2 Academic - LINKING LANGUAGE" : https://youtu.be/slnYl_2WXjw



Thanks for your submission lerealist!! Please see my rewrite below ...

INTRO:
Our society relies heavily on the school system and the subject of history to better educate the students about our collective past (delete "and history") while also equipping the young minds with science and technology (no capitals) to have a better life. Some people believe that courses like science and technology are more important than learning about the past. In contrast, others argue that more attention SHOULD BE PAID to history (delete "is needed"). In this essay, I will examine the mentioned arguments and FINALLY provide my own point of view (delete "at last").

B1:
Firstly, history is believed to be (delete "a nation’s") THE backbone OF A NATION and a source of national pride for many. For example, in Iran, a country dating back (delete "to") over 2500 years (delete "ago"), it is a common belief that since the country has a colorful past filled with (delete "rises and falls of various kingdoms") THE UPS AND DOWNS OF DIFFERENT KINGDOMS, history courses SHOULD be mandatory, and more of IT should be taught. This results in science and technology books and materials (delete "to be") often BEING outdated since it is believed that it is not a priority FOR the Ministry of Education (capitalise).

B2:
Secondly, western cultures are famous for their high educational standards IN science and technology programs in school and believe history courses only prohibit bright students from gaining knowledge in the fields like mathematics, computer science, and technology. For instance, some high schools in the US hardly have ANY history courses AT ALL. This leads to some ignorance ABOUT political issues and YOUNG PEOPLE not being grateful (delete "towards the gifts of their") TO THE nation.

CONC:
In conclusion, although some people believe that prioritizing science and technology is wrong and will lead to A lack of gratitude towards (delete "your nation’s History") THE HISTORY OF ONE'S NATION, I believe history courses are unnecessary and time-consuming, as this knowledge can be attained BY merely reading books in this area, AND understanding OF this subject does NOT need PROFESSIONAL tutoring.



Great essay. I think the bodies were slightly weaker than the introduction and conclusion. If you work on the two middle paragraphs, the score will definitely go up. Please the the YouTube video in the link above for task 2 linking language

Advice:
1. Don't forget to paragraph with a space between each paragraph.
2. Be careful how you use modals. It's usually better to use a hedging modal like should, rather than a full-on 100% modal like "must".
3. Be careful about capitalising. If it is the name of a simple academic subject, it is not normally necessary. However the name a of a govt. department should probably be capitalised.
4. It might have been better to discuss the benefits of studying both history and science and technology along with an example. Like - "Studying the mistakes of the past allows us to avoid these mistakes in the future. For example, during the two world wars, land-grabbing was a major cause of the conflicts....". Then in the conclusion, say which benefits are generally of more use for society.
5. "On the one hand/On the other hand..." would have been better body starters than "Firstly/Secondly..."

Band-score:
TA: 6.5
G: 7.5
V: 7.0
CC: 6.0 (paragraphing and linking phrases)