Task 1: Please evaluate and give your valuable feedback

[mrbombastic]

TOPIC: WRITING TASK 1
You should spend about 20 minutes on this task.
You have had a bank account for a few years. Recently you received a letter
from the bank stating that your account is $240 overdrawn and that you will be
charged $70 which will be taken directly from your account. You know that this
information is incorrect.
Write a letter to the bank. Explain what has happened and say what you would
like them to do about it.
You should write at least 150 words.

ANSWER:

Dear Sir,

My name is Shah and I have an account with your bank’s Bellevue branch and for your reference, my account number is 123121321. I am writing this letter to report fraudulent activity that has been going on with my account.

I recently received a notice from the bank stating that I am going to be charged $70 because my account was overdrawn by $240. However, I have made no such withdrawals from my account for the past couple of months. It was quite a shock to see regular withdrawals of huge amounts in my last month’s bank statement.

I request you to help me in this tough situation by starting an investigation of this fraud and assist with tracking down the culprit. It would be great if you can help file an insurance claim for the loss that I have incurred.

Please find attached the bank notice letter and past 3 account statements. I have marked transactions that have not been made by me. Let me know if I can provide any more information.

Yours Faithfully,
Shah

[goldcoastielts]

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YouTube - "TASK 1 GENERAL - FORMAL LETTER STRUCTURE" : https://youtu.be/gEC3sC7UI-A



Thanks for your submission mrbombastic!! Please see my rewrite below ...

Dear Sir,

My name is Shah (+ family name for formal letter) and I have an account with your bank’s Bellevue branch, AND I am writing this letter to report SOME fraudulent activity (change "that has been going on") IN CONNECTION WITH with my account. FOR YOUR REFERENCE, MY ACCOUNT NUMBER IS 123121321.

I recently received a notice from YOUR bank stating that I am going to be charged $70 because my account was overdrawn by $240. However, I DO BELIEVE THAT I have made no such withdrawals from my account for the past couple of months. AS YOU COULD PROBABLY UNDERSTAND, it was quite a shock to see regular withdrawals of SUCH LARGE amounts FROM my (delete "last month’s") bank statement LAST MONTH.

I (delete "request you to") WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU COULD help me in this tough situation by starting an investigation (delete "of this") INTO WHETHER ANY fraud WAS COMMITTED OR NOT, and assist with tracking down the culprit. It would ALSO be great if you COULD help file an insurance claim for the loss that I have incurred.

Please find attached the bank notice letter and MY past THREE account statements. I have marked transactions that have not been made by me. ALSO, PLEASE DO NOT HESITATE TO CONTACT ME if I can provide any more information ON THIS MATTER.

Yours Faithfully,
Shah



Great job. Generally this is a high standard formal letter. There were a few occasions when I added some little phrases to make it sound more formal.

Advice:
1. Try not to write choppy sentences. It is always better to find ways to link sentences and ideas, even in a formal letter.For example, check how I rearranged your first paragraph to make it a bit smoother. Also, look at the very last sentence where I added "Also".
2. Generally it is better to use 'could' than 'can'.
3. "three" not "3"
4. Don't be afraid to use modal verbs everywhere.
5. CHECK THE YOUTUBE LINK ABOVE FOR A TUTORIAL ON HOW TO WRITE A GREAT FORMAL LETTER.

Band-score:
TA: 7.5
G: 8.0
V: 8.0
CC: 6.0