The Internet has changed the way we interact with each other now compared to the past. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this.
You should write at least 250 words.
The advent of the World Wide Web, has totally revolutionized every aspect of society. The way we relate as humans has undergone a metamorphosis. In this essay, i will discuss the positive and negative impacts of the internet on human relations.
The internet has had profound positive impacts on how we relate with each other. This can he clearly seen in the way people now readily accept people of other nationalities or tribes. Many people from different countries meet each other over social media and have gotten married. Another positive impact the Internet has had on society is mentorship. Many youths can easily find a thought leader in their chosen field and learn directly from them. By using social media sites like facebook or Linkedin, young people now have direct access to mentorship.
Despite the positive impacts of the world wide web on human interaction, it also has some negative impact on human relationships. People now tend to focus on 'online' relations and interactions and totally ignore real life relationships. A recent study conducted by the University of Wales, showed that a majority of people spend more time on the web and less time relating with family and friends. The study showed that this trend has led to feelings of being unwanted and abandonment among family members. In some cases marriages have collapsed. The advent of the internet has also led to cyber bullying. Many people on social media peruse the pages of social media and criticize and bully other people for no reason. This has led to physiological problems for many people. The western world has seen an increase in cases of suicide due to cyber bullies.
In conclusion, the internet has had many negative impacts on human relations in society. However the advantages of the internet in terms of relating far outweigh the disadvantages. By creating proper sensitization programs on the responsible use of the internet, we can reduce the negative impact of the web on human relations.
Task 2: Please evaluate. Thanks.
-
goldcoastielts
- Posts: 206
- Joined: Mon Aug 03, 2020 1:34 am
- Location: Gold Coast, Australia
- Contact:
Re: Task 2: Please evaluate. Thanks.
IELTS 2.0+ course : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/course
IELTS essay check : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/essays
Online IELTS lessons : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/lessons
IELTS Freebies!! : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/freebies
YouTube - "TASK 2 INTRO" : https://youtu.be/WG2ujawMmVE
Thanks for your submission synaptium!! Please see my rewrite below ...
INTRO:
(Rewrite: 'The advent of the World Wide Web, has totally revolutionized every aspect of society') WITH THE ADVENT OF THE WORLD WIDE WEB, EVERY ASPECT OF OUR SOCIETY HAS BEEN REVOLUTIONISED, AND the way we relate as humans has undergone a metamorphosis. In this essay, I (capital "I" please!) will discuss the positive and negative impacts of the internet on human relations.
(really good intro)
B1:
The internet has (delete 'had profound positive impacts on') HAD A PROFOUND IMPACT ON/PROFOUNDLY IMPACTED how we relate with each other. This can he clearly seen in the way people now readily accept people of other nationalities or tribes. Many people from different countries meet each other over social media and SOME have EVEN gotten married. Another positive impact the Internet has had on society is mentorship. Many youths can NOW easily find a thought leader in their chosen field and learn directly from them, and by using social media sites like Facebook or Linkedin, young people now have direct access to mentorship.
B2:
Despite the positive impacts of the world wide web on human interaction, it (change: 'also has') CAN ALSO LEAD TO some negative impactS on human relationships. People now tend to focus on 'online' relations and interactions (improve: 'and totally ignore') TO THE DETRIMENT OF real life relationships. A recent study conducted by the University of Wales (delete comma) HAS SHOWN that a majority of people spend more time on the web and less time relating with family and friends. The study HAS ALSO SHOWN US that this trend has led to feelings of being unwanted and (change 'abandonment among') SOMETIMES EVEN TO THE FEELING OF BEING ABANDONED BY ONE'S family members. In OTHER cases marriages have collapsed. The advent of the internet has also led to cyber bullying WITH many people on social media (change 'peruse the pages of social media') BECOMING ONLINE TROLLS and criticiSING and bullyING other people for no reason. WITH AN INCREASE IN CYBER-BULLYING SUICIDES EACH YEAR, THERE HAS ALSO BEEN AN INCREASE IN physiological problems for many people. (relocate: 'The western world has seen an increase in cases of suicide due to cyber bullies.')
CONC:
In conclusion, the internet has had many negative impacts on human relations in society. However the advantages of the internet in terms of relating TO OTHER PEOPLE far outweigh the disadvantages. By creating proper sensitization programs on the responsible use of the internet, we can reduce the negative impact of the web on human relations.
Good essay synaptium! I think you are definitely getting better now.
Advice:
1. Some words like "advent" have to be used in a specific way. Please take note of the INTRO S1 and study the sentence structure carefully.
2. It is really nice to soften language a little with modal verbs and words like 'some', 'even', or 'now' as I did in your B1.
3. Try to connect sentences a little more, it still feels a bit 'choppy' in places. i.e. the last two sentences of you B1.
4. The study by the University of Wales is still showing us this information today, so the present perfect is a better choice.
5. I don't think you talked about the 'sensitization programs' in your body paragraphs, so this did feel slightly out of place and sudden in the conclusion.
6. Also I think this is way over 250 words, so you need to practice saying what you need to say with more brevity.
Band-score:
TA: 8.0
G: 7.5
V: 8.0
CC: 6.5 (the essay needs more linking between sentences.)
IELTS essay check : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/essays
Online IELTS lessons : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/lessons
IELTS Freebies!! : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/freebies
YouTube - "TASK 2 INTRO" : https://youtu.be/WG2ujawMmVE
Thanks for your submission synaptium!! Please see my rewrite below ...
INTRO:
(Rewrite: 'The advent of the World Wide Web, has totally revolutionized every aspect of society') WITH THE ADVENT OF THE WORLD WIDE WEB, EVERY ASPECT OF OUR SOCIETY HAS BEEN REVOLUTIONISED, AND the way we relate as humans has undergone a metamorphosis. In this essay, I (capital "I" please!) will discuss the positive and negative impacts of the internet on human relations.
(really good intro)
B1:
The internet has (delete 'had profound positive impacts on') HAD A PROFOUND IMPACT ON/PROFOUNDLY IMPACTED how we relate with each other. This can he clearly seen in the way people now readily accept people of other nationalities or tribes. Many people from different countries meet each other over social media and SOME have EVEN gotten married. Another positive impact the Internet has had on society is mentorship. Many youths can NOW easily find a thought leader in their chosen field and learn directly from them, and by using social media sites like Facebook or Linkedin, young people now have direct access to mentorship.
B2:
Despite the positive impacts of the world wide web on human interaction, it (change: 'also has') CAN ALSO LEAD TO some negative impactS on human relationships. People now tend to focus on 'online' relations and interactions (improve: 'and totally ignore') TO THE DETRIMENT OF real life relationships. A recent study conducted by the University of Wales (delete comma) HAS SHOWN that a majority of people spend more time on the web and less time relating with family and friends. The study HAS ALSO SHOWN US that this trend has led to feelings of being unwanted and (change 'abandonment among') SOMETIMES EVEN TO THE FEELING OF BEING ABANDONED BY ONE'S family members. In OTHER cases marriages have collapsed. The advent of the internet has also led to cyber bullying WITH many people on social media (change 'peruse the pages of social media') BECOMING ONLINE TROLLS and criticiSING and bullyING other people for no reason. WITH AN INCREASE IN CYBER-BULLYING SUICIDES EACH YEAR, THERE HAS ALSO BEEN AN INCREASE IN physiological problems for many people. (relocate: 'The western world has seen an increase in cases of suicide due to cyber bullies.')
CONC:
In conclusion, the internet has had many negative impacts on human relations in society. However the advantages of the internet in terms of relating TO OTHER PEOPLE far outweigh the disadvantages. By creating proper sensitization programs on the responsible use of the internet, we can reduce the negative impact of the web on human relations.
Good essay synaptium! I think you are definitely getting better now. Advice:
1. Some words like "advent" have to be used in a specific way. Please take note of the INTRO S1 and study the sentence structure carefully.
2. It is really nice to soften language a little with modal verbs and words like 'some', 'even', or 'now' as I did in your B1.
3. Try to connect sentences a little more, it still feels a bit 'choppy' in places. i.e. the last two sentences of you B1.
4. The study by the University of Wales is still showing us this information today, so the present perfect is a better choice.
5. I don't think you talked about the 'sensitization programs' in your body paragraphs, so this did feel slightly out of place and sudden in the conclusion.
6. Also I think this is way over 250 words, so you need to practice saying what you need to say with more brevity.
Band-score:
TA: 8.0
G: 7.5
V: 8.0
CC: 6.5 (the essay needs more linking between sentences.)
