should I put a little "color" into my essay?

[allen_zhang]

Recently, I wrote an essay and I uploaded to a forum. Surprisingly, I got a very positive feedback and many other Ielts candidates like it. Below is the essay.

Computers and modems have made it possible for office workers to do much of their work from home instead of working in offices every day. Working from home should be encouraged as it is good for workers and employers.
Agree or disagree?

Teleworking or telecommute has been increasingly adopted by many enterprises and companies, as the Internet and computers allowed people to work from home. However, from my point of view, it should not be encouraged.

Admittedly, teleworking has its advantages. One of them is that working at home can save money and time for both employees and employers. Without having to travel between home and office every day, much time can be saved, which means more time can be used on employees' work commitments. In addition, office expenditure can also be reduced when employees do their jobs at home. Another benefit of telecommute is that, in comparison with an office, home is a relatively quieter and more comfortable place to work at. Sitting in an armchair at home with a cup of coffee on the desk, people might be less distracted and be able to concentrate on their works.

However, it seems to me that teleworking has more problems than its benefits. Firstly, working at home means employees are under less supervision and management. They will probably engage their time to personal activities like, for example, chatting with their friends and playing games. Consequently, the productivity of their works cannot be guaranteed. Secondly, office time sometimes cannot be simply replaced by working at home. Face-to-face conversation and office meeting are important for a team or company, because employees can learn from and be inspired by others in these office activities. Obviously, an online conference cannot be as effective as an office meeting.

To conclude, although working at home sounds like a fantastic idea, I think it should not be encouraged because of its potential threat to companies' productivity and management.

See the last sentence of the second paragraph:
Sitting in an armchair at home with a cup of coffee on the desk, people might be less distracted and be able to concentrate on their works.
I used a little imagination to demonstrate my idea. Also, even without any link words, the cohesion is not harmed at all and I can feel the fluidity of the essay.

the same thing happens on the sentence :"Obviously, an online conference cannot be as effective as an office meeting."
Someone suggests to change it to :
"It is believed that an online conference cannot be as effective as an office meeting."
However, I still like "obviously" ,I feel that it makes the essay more vivid.

What do you think?

[CindyBang]

Hi allen,

It does sound better with some colour sentences, but would it be wise to write a long essay during the test?

Perhaps, for personal improvement and enhancing writing skill, it would be great to have additional ideas and sentences to make it sound more interesting and attractive. I really enjoy reading your essay to be honest, very clear and easy to understand, with relevant examples .

But within a time length and under pressure, it's hard to come up with some colourful phrases. Also, the more we write the more errors we may make, that's why it's not advisable.

I think:

In the second paragraph, it sounds like u have missed the conclusion sentence.

Sitting in an armchair at home with a cup of coffee on the desk, people might be less distracted and be able to concentrate on their works

Maybe add the linking word it would transform as a conclusion sentence.
"Thus, sitting in an armchair at home with a cup of coffee on the desk, people might be less distracted and be able to concentrate on their works."

Obviously, an online conference cannot be as effective as an office meeting.

Sounds just fine for a conclusion sentence to me.

Cindy.

[yhjsaber]

Hi Allen,
Good essay. Using more advanced vocab can add more charm to your essay.

Cheers
Carlen

[durai]

Hi Allen,

a couple of suggestions,

" obviously" and "fantastic idea" : I guess both of them are spoken language, may be you can use in letters but not academic essay,

the last line in your second paragraph could be used as an example, but not at the conclusion of the paragraph.

however, it only my POV.


Durai

[allen_zhang]

Hi Durai,
I am sorry that I don't agree with you this time.
"Obviously" and "fantastic" are the very two words that I liked and it is exactly why I posted this essay again -- to discuss with all you guys.
Also, I believe that there are many acceptable structures and the conclusion is not indispensable. I already said that this is the second drawback and explained it with a example. I feel adding a conclusion weakens the style of this essay.

Hope some teacher can help to clarify.

Best regards,
Allen