Task 2 crime shows: Please help

[Twinkle]

Kindly evaluate and give your comments


Most of the people in society enjoy watching crime movies and criminal TV programs. Why do you think people have more interest to watch them? What is the impact on the society due to this?

Movies and television shows that are related to crime have become increasingly popular these days. The reason I think people like to watch them is either out of curiosity or for the adrenaline rush that these shows provide. Overall, these entertainment programs have more positive effect among viewers as they help in creating more awareness.

Some of these shows are actually inspired by real life events or based on them. People who have heard the stories want to know the details and hence, switch to these shows to satisfy their curiosity. For instance, few years back a murder case of Watt’s family was all over the news which happened in a small town in Colorado. Many shows and documentaries were made based on this event because people wanted to know what actually happened and the motive behind the homicide of the family. Additionally, for some the major reason for tuning is the thrill that is provided by these shows. Interesting plotlines and grey characters hook movie goers to the screen. Thus, for these reasons, crime movies have become the top choice for some people.

Crimes related television not only provides the entertainment value but awaresness is created as well. Because of them people come to know about the impact crimes have on individuals and families. Many questions such as how the lives of the victims and criminals turned upside down and what were the punishments received by the criminals are answered by watching them. Many people sympathize with the victims when they come to know about the real motives behind the crimes and therefore develop a strong sense of judgement and fair trials.

In conclusion, people like to watch these shows because they provide entertainment. They also get knowledge about different crimes and its outcome within the community and families.

[goldcoastielts]

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Thanks for your submission twinkle!! Please see my rewrite below ...

INTRO:
Movies and television shows that are related to crime have become increasingly popular these days. The reason I think people like to watch them is either out of curiosity, (add comma!) or for the adrenaline rush that these shows provide. Overall, these entertainment programs have more positive effectS among viewers as they help in creating .. TO CREATE more awareness (ABOUT .......) .

B1:
IN FACT, some of these shows are actually inspired by real life events, (add comma!) or ARE EVEN based on them. People who have heard theSE stories want to know the details and hence, switch to these shows to satisfy their curiosity. For instance, A few years back a murder case of Watt’s family .. THE WATT'S FAMILY MURDER CASE THAT HAPPENED IN A SMALL TOWN IN COLORADO was all over the news. Many shows and documentaries were made THAT WERE based on this event because people wanted to know what actually happened and the motive behind the homicide of the family FAMILY KILLING. Additionally, for some the major reason for tuning IN is the thrill that is provided by these shows; interesting plot lines (two words) and grey characters hook movie goers to the screen. Thus, for these reasons, crime movies have become the top choice for some people.

B2:
ADDITIONALLY, crime-related television SHOWS not only PROVIDE (delete 'the') entertainment value but awareness (delete 'is created') as well, AND IT IS because (connect the sentences together where possible) of THESE SHOWS THAT people come to know about the impact crimes have on individuals and families. Many questions such as how the lives of the victims and criminals WERE turned upside down and what (delete 'the') punishments WERE received by the criminals are answered by watching them. IN FACT, many people EVEN sympathize with the victims when they come to know about the real motives behind the crimes and therefore develop a strong sense of judgement and fair trials .. WHICH CAN LEAD TO THEM DEVELOPING A STRONG SENSE OF JUDGEMENT AND THE IMPORTANCE OF A FAIR TRIAL.

CONC:
In conclusion, people like to watch these shows because they provide entertainment. They also get knowledge about different crimes and THEIR outcomeS within communitIES and families.

Advice:
1. When it is appropriate, connect sentences together. If there is a clear meaning relationship between the two sentences, try connecting them up.
2. Definitely add some nice linking language at the beginning of your body paragraphs. This will enhance the CC score.
3. A couple of times you used the structure (Noun of Noun). I changed them to the more appropriate and natural (Adj. + Noun).
4. Add some emphasising language ('even', 'can', 'are even') when you want to stress a point.

This is a really great essay. The language is incredibly natural and does not sound like you copied it from an IELTS text book.
Band-score
TA: 8.0
G: 8.0
V: 8.0
CC: 6.0

[Twinkle]

Thanks a lot for your corrections. I always felt that I lacked coherence and cohesion in my essays. I took professional help as well but was never corrected for it. Thanks again.

[goldcoastielts]

Yes it is hard.

Please check out the YouTube link I attached above for task 2 linking language help..

[Twinkle]

Thanks I will

[Twinkle]

Watched the video it's very useful. Thanks once again.