Writing Task 2

[ppatelronak]

Some people think that in order to produce a happy society, it is necessary to ensure that there is only a small difference between the earnings of the richest and poorest. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In this materialistic world, money has become synonyms of happiness. In this money-centric civilization some people think economical difference is essential to promote businesses. However, for several reasons, which I will explain below, low-income difference give equality in economic term which leads to happier family.
Businesses are completely dependent on cash flow so it is essential to have economical differences to generate cash flow. Without income difference, country’s economy would be stable, which exacerbate the pressing problem of cash flow. For example, many African countries have less economical difference. Despite having less income difference people living in these countries are not happy because there are very few big businesses in these countries. So, economical difference is a prime requirement for generating business opportunities.
On another side, more economical difference indicates more poor people. Although wages difference is a key to prosper businesses, most of the time it produces a huge gap in income when businesses are flourished. Poor’s income reduces day by day while this plummeted income of impoverished persons is added to businessmen’s profit. Counties like India and Pakistan, for instance, there is a huge income difference between poor and rich. Unfortunately, this difference is increasing year by year. Despite government’s relentless efforts economical difference cannot be reduce. Hence, It is better to get control over it at initial stage. European countries have good control on income difference and it is the big reason for Euroiean’s happiness.
In conclusion, Although economical difference is essential to expedite businesses' growth, most of the developed businesses produce dier consequences on economy by increasing gap between income of poor and rich which leads to very few happier people.

[goldcoastielts]

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Thanks for your submission ppatelronak!! Please see my rewrite below ...

INTRO:
In this materialistic world, money has become SYNONYMOUS WITH / A SYNONYM FOR happiness. In this money-centric civilization some people think HAVING AN economic difference BETWEEN PEOPLE is essential to promote COMPETITION AND businesses. However, for several reasons (delete comma) which I will explain below, low-income difference give equality in economic term which leads to happier family (hard to understand this part).

B1:
ON THE ONE SIDE, businesses are completely dependent on cash flow so it is essential to have economic differences to generate cash flow. Without income differenceS, THE ECONOMIES OF DIFFERENT COUNTRIES would be stable, which exacerbateS the pressing problem of HAVING ENOUGH cash flow. For example, many African countries have less economic differenceS BETWEEN THEOR CITIZENS. (delete "Despite having less income difference") People living in these countries are not happy because there are very few big businesses in these countries THAT CAN SUPPLY THEM WITH THE EMPLOYMENT PROSPECTS AND PRODUCTS THEY DESIRE. THUS, economic difference is a prime requirement for generating business opportunities.

B2:
On THE OTHER side, more economic difference WITHOUT A DOUBT LEADS TO A GREATER NUMBER OF poor people. Although differenT INCOME LEVELS (delete 'a') is key to businesses PROSPERITY, most of the time it produces a huge gap in income when businesses (delete 'are') flourish. THE income OF THE POOR reduces day by day while this plummetTING LEVEL OF income (delete 'of impoverished persons') is added to THE PROFIT OF businessmen. In countRies like India and Pakistan, for instance, there is a huge income difference between THE poor and rich, AND unfortunately, this difference is increasing year by year. Despite THE government’s relentless efforts, economic differenceS cannot be reduce. Hence, it is better to get control over THIS PROBLEM at THE initial stage. European countries have RELATIVELY good control OVER income differenceS and it is the big reason for THE happiness OF THE PEOPLE IN EUROPE.

CONC:
In conclusion, although SOME economic difference is essential to expedite business (DELETE "es'") growth, most of the developed businesses produce DIRE consequences on THE economy by increasing THE gap betweenTHE income of THE poor and THE rich which leads to very few happier people.


Advice:
1. economic = talking about the economy / economical = frugal
2. Use (adjective + noun) not (verb + noun) adjective + noun = "business prosperity"
3. Link sentences together "... the rich and poor, and unfortunately, this difference....."
4. Don't forget article "the" in conclusion.

Band-score:
TA: 6.5 (good examples about Africa and India/Pakistan)
G: 5.5
V: 6.0
CC: 6.0 (good number of linking phrases, but some used in the wrong way or with mistakes)