Topic:
In many countries, prison is considered the best way to decrease crime. However, education is often to be a more effective way. Which opinion do you most agree with?
From the history of mankind, prisons existed in one form or the other. In modern society, it is debatable whether education is a better way to decrease crime or prison. The opinion that education is the most effective way to decrease crime in a society is supported in this essay. Moreover, educating the society in this manner is both convenient and has the potential to stop the crime from happening in the first place.
Firstly, educating society in an effort to decrease crime is much more convenient than maintaining a prison. For example, it is difficult to construct a new prison and then employ people to look after the criminals in order to reduce the crime. Thus, it is much easier to teach the society against the crime compared to prison in an attempt of mitigating the crime. This is therefore one of the most effective ways to lessen the crime.
A second reason, why educating the society about the crime and its consequences is more effective, is that it would greatly reduce the amount of crime by stopping it from happening in the first place. For example, if people would know about the laws and penalties for common crimes that happen in society, they would think twice before attempting such a thing. Eventually, the awareness among society against the crimes would definitely help reduce it from happening. Consequently, education is proved to be a more effective way to stop crime.
In conclusion, educating society is both convenient and has the potential to stop the crime from happening in the first place. Therefore, it is strongly agreed-upon opinion that education is more effective than prison in order to decrease the crime. It is recommended that governments should introduce more educational programs related to crime in order to make a crime-free society.
Word count: 290
Writing Task 2 - Please give your valuable feedback!
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goldcoastielts
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Re: Writing Task 2 - Please give your valuable feedback!
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Thanks for your submission affaque99!! Please see my rewrite below ...
INTRO:
SINCE TIME BEGAN, prisons HAVE existed in one form or the other. In modern society, it is debatable whether IT is (delete 'a') better way to decrease crime THROUGH EDUCATION OR prison. THIS ESSAY WILL SUPPORT the opinion that education is the most effective way to decrease crime in ANY society. Moreover, educating A society in this manner is both convenient and has the potential to stop (delete 'the') crime from happening in the first place.
B1:
Firstly, educating society in an effort to decrease crime is much more convenient than maintaining a prison. For example, it COSTS A LOT OF MONEY to construct a new prison and then employ people to look after the criminals in order to reduce the crime. FOR THIS REASON, it is much easier to teach the MEMBERS OF society TO NOT COMMIT crime IN THE FIRST PLACE, RATHER THAN BUILD prisonS in an attempt TO mitigatE the crime. This is therefore one of the most effective ways to lessen the crime.
B2:
A second reason (no comma) why educating (delete 'the') society about (delete 'the') crime and its consequences is more effective (delete comma) is that it would greatly reduce the amount of crime by stopping it from happening in the first place. For example, if people KNEW about the laws and penalties for common crimes that TAKE PALCE in society, they would think twice before attempting such a thing. Eventually, the awareness among society against the crimes would definitely help reduce THEM from happening. Consequently, education HAS BEEN PROVEN to be a more effective way to stop crime.
CONC:
In conclusion, educating society is both convenient and has the potential to stop (delete 'the') crime from happening in the first place. Therefore, it is A strongly agreed-upon opinion that education is more effective than prison in order to decrease the crime. It is recommended that governments should introduce more educational programs related to crime in order to make a crime-free society.
Advice:
1.Beware of unnecessary articles ('a' and 'the')
2. Be careful about using different passive tenses (is proved vs. has been proven ...)
3. Give more concrete examples in your two body paragraphs.
Nice!
TA: 5.5
G: 5.5
V: 6.5
CC: 6.0
IELTS essay check : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/essays
Online IELTS lessons : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/lessons
IELTS Freebies!! : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/freebies
YouTube - "TASK 1 FULL DEMO" : https://youtu.be/AMLNafsqY7I
Thanks for your submission affaque99!! Please see my rewrite below ...
INTRO:
SINCE TIME BEGAN, prisons HAVE existed in one form or the other. In modern society, it is debatable whether IT is (delete 'a') better way to decrease crime THROUGH EDUCATION OR prison. THIS ESSAY WILL SUPPORT the opinion that education is the most effective way to decrease crime in ANY society. Moreover, educating A society in this manner is both convenient and has the potential to stop (delete 'the') crime from happening in the first place.
B1:
Firstly, educating society in an effort to decrease crime is much more convenient than maintaining a prison. For example, it COSTS A LOT OF MONEY to construct a new prison and then employ people to look after the criminals in order to reduce the crime. FOR THIS REASON, it is much easier to teach the MEMBERS OF society TO NOT COMMIT crime IN THE FIRST PLACE, RATHER THAN BUILD prisonS in an attempt TO mitigatE the crime. This is therefore one of the most effective ways to lessen the crime.
B2:
A second reason (no comma) why educating (delete 'the') society about (delete 'the') crime and its consequences is more effective (delete comma) is that it would greatly reduce the amount of crime by stopping it from happening in the first place. For example, if people KNEW about the laws and penalties for common crimes that TAKE PALCE in society, they would think twice before attempting such a thing. Eventually, the awareness among society against the crimes would definitely help reduce THEM from happening. Consequently, education HAS BEEN PROVEN to be a more effective way to stop crime.
CONC:
In conclusion, educating society is both convenient and has the potential to stop (delete 'the') crime from happening in the first place. Therefore, it is A strongly agreed-upon opinion that education is more effective than prison in order to decrease the crime. It is recommended that governments should introduce more educational programs related to crime in order to make a crime-free society.
Advice:
1.Beware of unnecessary articles ('a' and 'the')
2. Be careful about using different passive tenses (is proved vs. has been proven ...)
3. Give more concrete examples in your two body paragraphs.
Nice!
TA: 5.5
G: 5.5
V: 6.5
CC: 6.0
