IELTS Task 2 - Cambridge 14 / Please Evaluate

[magdihoms]

Many people work long hours, leaving very little time for leisure activities. Does this situation have more advantages or more disadvantages? Give reason for your answer and include any relevant example from your own knowledge or experience.

Nowadays, many workers have full-time jobs with extremely hectic schedules. This caused them to have a significantly narrow space for entertainment activities. This essay will argue why the disadvantages of this phenomenon eclipse the possible advantages as it will ultimately lead to a great deal of stress on people and lower their productivity in the long-term.

Initially, if people do not have breaks from their jobs, they will be more vulnerable to pressure. In other words, employees must have a spare time where they can relieve the stress and enjoy recreational activities. This because without proper leisure time, people will collapse from constant pressure. This will naturally lead to psychological disorders and poor mental health. This was highlighted by the World Health Organization, where it was reported that more than 60% of Wallstreet employees who have relatively no time for entertainment activities fall victim to psychological disorders as a result of the vicious work pressure cycle.

Furthermore, employees who do not have time for leisure activity have relatively lower production rates. This is clear when they are compared to their counterparts who have spare time for relaxation and pressure relief. According to a survey by Bloomberg magazine, in Google company, employees have plenty of time for leisure activities which resulted in a significant increase in their productivity and a noticeable improvement in their mental state.

In conclusion, while long working hours may reflect more dedication and devotion to the job, it certainly has many pernicious implications on workers' mental health and productivity in the long term. This will run the risk of employees to either quit their jobs or become less competent.

[goldcoastielts]

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Thanks for your submission magdihoms!! Please see my rewrite below ...

INTRO:
Nowadays, many workers have full-time jobs with extremely hectic schedules ( ). This HAS LED TO (perfect tense better) A SIGNIFICANT DECREASE IN THE TIME THEY HAVE AVAILABLE FOR ENTERTAINMENT ACTIVITIES. This essay will argue why the disadvantages of this phenomenon eclipse the possible advantages AND SHOW WHY it will ultimately lead to a great deal of stress on people and lower their productivity in the long-term (GREAT).

B1:
""One disadvantage of working a lot is that you will get a lot of mental pressure and stress"" ☛ (PLEASE go to YouTube to see how to write this sentence PROPERLY!!). In other words, employees must have (delete 'a' because time is uncountable) spare time WHEN they can relieve theIR stress and enjoy recreational activities. This IS because without proper leisure time, people will collapse from constant pressure. This will naturally lead to psychological disorders and poor mental health. This was highlighted by the World Health Organization, where it was reported that more than 60% of Wallstreet employees who have relatively no time for entertainment activities fall victim to psychological disorders as a result of the vicious work pressure cycle (great grammar).

B2:
Furthermore, employees who do not have time for leisure activitIES have relatively lower production rates ('RATES OF PRODUCTION' better). This is clear when they are compared to their counterparts who DO ACTUALLY have spare time for relaxation and STRESS relief. According to a survey by Bloomberg magazine, in THE Google company (or 'In Google,...'), employees have plenty of time for leisure activities and THIS resulted in a significant increase in their productivity AS WELL AS a noticeable improvement in their mental state.

CONC:
In conclusion, while long working hours may BE A reflectION (noun is better here) OF more dedication and devotion to the job, it certainly has many pernicious (a better word choice might be 'negative' or 'adverse') implications on workers' mental health and productivity in the long term. This will run the risk of employees (delete 'to') either quitTING their jobs or becomING less competent ( ).

Advice:
1.Be careful about the difference between simple past and present perfect tense (intro line 1). If it continues to now, use present perfect.
2. Try to use the "connecting phrase + subject + claim" structure for topic sentences.
3. Use gerunds (-ing words) when you need to i.e. last sentence in the conclusion (quitting and becoming)

Really good essay.
TA: 7.5
G: 6.5(good but too many small problems)
V: 7.5 (good combinations i.e. "proper leisure time" "psychological disorders" etc.)
CC: 7.5 (good combinations i.e. "In conclusion, ...while ... it has .... .")