IELTS Task 2 - Cambridge 15 / Please Evaluate

[magdihoms]

In many countries today, crime novels and TV crime dramas are becoming more and more popular.
Why do you think these books and TV shows are popular?
What is your opinion of crime fiction and tv crime dramas?
Give reasons for your answer and include relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience


Crime based literature and television dramas are gaining a huge fan base. This essay will discuss why people are usually attracted to that sort of novel and series and will argue that this a negative development because of its heinous effect on people's behavior.

Initially, it is usually a human nature to be attracted to violent fiction. This is because most crime novels and drama offer a suspension script with many plot twists and surprises in the story, which usually is a desirable experience by many especially if the story is solid and claimed to be based on true events. For example, according to the HBO channel report, their most trendy series are those of the crime genre, which were described by their audience as thrilling and extremely enjoyable due to their exciting plot.

However, this phenomenon may have a negative influence on people. The reason is that most of these novels and shows portray the criminal protagonist as a hero whose despicable actions are justified. That is to say, many people may be encouraged to commit similar criminal actions to imitate what they read or saw on the television. Therefore, these books and series, despite being entertaining, they provide people with undesirable examples to follow.

In conclusion, although crime novels and television dramas can provide an entertaining experience, they can be a negative influence on their readers and audience because of how they depict criminals as heroes. This will, consequently, tempt some people to imitate their actions, which can increase crime rates which I believe is a considerably serious consequence.

[goldcoastielts]

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Thanks for your submission Magdihoms!! Please see my rewrite below ...

INTRO:
Recently, crime based literature and television CRIME SERIES are gaining A LARGER AND LARGER fan base. This essay will discuss why people are SO attracted to THESE sortS of novelS and series, and will argue that this IS IN FACT a negative development because of its TERRIBLE effect on people's behavior.

B1:
A REASON WHY PEOPLE ARE ATTRACTED TO CRIME LITERATURE AND TV SHOWS IS THAT it is usually (delete 'a' because 'nature' is uncountable here) human nature. This is because most crime novels and drama offer a THRILLING script with many plot twists and surprises in the story, which is USUALLY a desirable FOR many, (COMMA) especially if the story is solid and claimS to be based on true events. For example, according to the HBO channel report, their most trendy series are those of the crime genre, which were described by their audience as thrilling and extremely enjoyable due to their exciting plotS ('THEIR' = plural).

B2:
However, THERE ARE ALSO REASONS WHY this phenomenon may have a negative influence on people. FIRST is that most of these novels and shows portray the criminal protagonist as a hero whose despicable actions are justified ( ). That is to say, THE SHOWS MAY ENCOURAGE SOME people to commit similar criminal actions AND imitate what they read or saw on the television. Therefore, these books and series, despite being entertaining, (DELETE 'THEY') provide people with undesirable examples to follow.

CONC:
In conclusion, although crime novels and television dramas can provide (DELETE 'AN') entertaining experienceS, they can ALSO be a negative influence on their readers and audienceS because of how they depict criminals as heroes. This will, consequently, tempt some people to imitate their actions, which can increase crime rates, AND which I believe is a considerably serious consequence.

Advice:
1. Use extended linking phrases in the S1 of each body.
2. Make sure you don't use double subjects = "Therefore, these books and series (subject 1), despite being entertaining, they (subject 2) provide people with undesirable examples to follow."
3. Excellent grammar and vocabulary, but try to use more complex linking language for a higher overall score!

TA: 7.0 (great ideas and well contrasted between B1and B2)
G: 6.0 (easy mistakes with number and SVO)
V: 7.0
CC: 6.0 (bit basic)

[magdihoms]

Thank you so much, Mr. Anthony. I really appreciate the detailed feedback, and I will try to work on my flaws and follow your advice. If you may, would you please tell me if I can reach a band 7 level in a relatively short time. I have to attempt my IELTS exam soon, and I really need to expedite my improvement process so what is your advice

[goldcoastielts]

Hi Magdihoms! Thanks for your message. It's not easy to get to 7.0+. The best way is to take my private class or register for my online Google Classroom. Please message me if you are interested.

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Good luck!
-Anthony