Writing Task 2 - Evaluation needed

[Thi_IELTS]

Dears,
Could you please assist me evaluating my essay?
Thanks so much in advance.

It is argued that mobile phones and other electronic devices have no place in the classroom.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?


Recently, due to the evolution of communication, the use of cell phones and portable devices have been questioned by parents and the industry experts. Whereas some believe this may be beneficial, it’s clear to me that these devices can deviate the students’ attention with the current need of teenagers of being always online.

First of all, it’s important to mention that there is a bright side of bringing new technologies into the classroom, because some portable devices, such as lap top, tablet computers and cell phone can make the class more interactive and interesting for the students. An example of that, is when the teachers use some virtual presentations during the class to illustrate what is being explained. In addition, it can assist the learners with some quick researches as well.

On the other hand, in my opinion, these gadgets surely distract the students instead of assisting, as they may use it for different purposes during the class. The temptation of checking out your social media or replying a notification that suddenly comes up on your screen will be higher than focusing on what is being taught. Furthermore, students may use them to chat with someone if the subject is not interesting to them.

In summary, the constant development of technology has brought new ways of teaching to the classroom which can be beneficial. Nevertheless, the risk of having the students more worried about answering some friend or following what is happening in their social media rather than really using the portable devices as a learning tool doesn’t worth it.

[goldcoastielts]

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YouTube - "TASK 1 INTRO SENTENCE 1" : https://youtu.be/KIOV_hClGmI



Thanks for your submission Thi_IELTS!! Please see my rewrite below ...

INTRO:
Recently, due to the evolution of communication, PARENTS AND INDUSTRY EXPERTS HAVE BEEN QUESTIONING the use of cell phones and portable devices BY CHILDREN. Whereas some believe this may be beneficial, IT IS clear to me that these devices can deviate the students’ attention with the current need of teenagers of being always online (CANNOT UNDERSTAND THIS SENTENCE).

B1:
First of all, it IS important to mention that there is a bright side TO bringing new technologies into the classroom (NO COMMA HERE) because some portable devices, such as LAPTOPS, tablet computers and cell phoneS can make the class more interactive and interesting for the students. An example of THIS is when the teachers use some virtual presentations during the class to illustrate what is being explained (GREAT GRAMMAR ). In addition, it can assist the learners IN FINISHNG THEIR RESEARCH MORE QUICKLY.

B2:
On the other hand, in my opinion, INSTEAD OF ASSISTING STUDENTS, these gadgets DEFINITELY distract the THEM, as they WILL MOST PROBABLY use THEM (REFERS TO 'GADGETS' NOT 'TECHNOLOGY' OR ANOTHER UNCOUNTABLE NOUN) for different purposes during the class. The temptation of checking out your social media or replying TO a notification that suddenly comes up on your screen will be MORE TEMPTING than ACTUALLY focusing on what is being taught (GOOD GRAMMAR ). Furthermore, students may use them to chat with someone OUTSIDE THE CLASS if the subject is not interesting to them.

CONC:
In CONCLUSION, the constant development of technology has brought new ways of teaching to the classroom which can be beneficial. Nevertheless, the risk of having the students more worried (EXCELLENT GRAMMR!!!) about answering some friend or following what is happening in their social media, rather than really using the portable devices as a learning tool, IS NOT worth it.

Advice:
1.Make sure your numbers match. A list of three nouns, all should be plural, or singular. (laptops, tablet computers, and phones)
2. Use "In summary" for task 1, not task 2.
3. Try to eliminate your final (very small) grammatical errors. This will raise your essay to a very high score indeed.

GREAT JOB!!!
TA: 7.5
G:7.0
V:7.5
CC: 6.5 (Try to use multi-word connectors and link both across and within sentences)

[Thi_IELTS]

Thanks sooo much for the assessment
This will help me a lot.
Really appreciate it.

[goldcoastielts]

No problem!! Good luck with your future studies my friend!