IELTS writing task 1 - evaluation needed - many thanks

[BaoBao]

The line graph is about the comparative percentage of metropolitan in four different countries namely USA, Korea, China and India throughout a 6-decade period from 1970.

It is evident that USA and Korea are the two countries with by far the most crowded cities over the time frame. While the portions of citizens in USA and Korea gradually go up without any fluctuation, those of China and India experience a climb with stability in the first two decades and one-decade stagnation respectively.

In 1970, the data on the population of USA and Korea in urban areas stood at 70% and 40% respectively before seeing a 60-year period of gradual increase. In contrast, the statistics of city dwellers in China and India stood at a similar figure of 20%.

The percentages of citizens in USA and Korea are predicted to nearly coincide a common figure of 90% in 2030. The proportion of urban residents in China is expected to reach a sluggish rise to 67% in 2030 after rocketing threefold to 60% in 2010. In comparison with it, the faction of city dwellers in India is projected to experience a negligible rise of 5% in 2030 after the year 2010 witnessed a slow climb of 35%.

[drirfan02]

Rough évaluation,
Your missing to mention that it's the chart of population, you just wrote % of metropolitan
Over view is not clear, difficult to gauge about China and India.
Body paragraphs are better written
In 4th paragraph, numbers about India are inaccurate,it's clearly more than 35 yet less than 40, nearly 40 or approaching 40 could have been more justified.

This is what I could comprehend as per my knowledge. Please elaborate if you agree or disagree.
Thank you.
Irfan

[goldcoastielts]

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Thanks for your submission BaoBao!! Please see my rewrite below ...

The line graph SHOWS CITY POPULATION PROJECTIONS in four different countries, namely USA, Korea, China and India, OVER a 6-decade period BEGINNING IN 1970.

It is evident that THE USA and Korea are the two countries THAT WILL END UP with by far the most crowded cities over the time frame. While the NUMBERS of citizens in THE USA and Korea gradually go up without any fluctuation, those of China and India experience a STABLE climb in the first two decades, FOLLOWED BY one-decade stagnation respectively (OPPOSITE IS TRUE)....... THOSE OF CHINA AND INDIA EXPERIENCE STAGNATION IN THE FIRST TWO DECADES, FOLLOWED BY STEADY GROWTH FROM 1990 ONWARDS.

In 1970, the data on the population of USA and Korea in urban areas stood at 70% and 40% respectively, before seeing a 60-year period of gradual increase. In contrast, the statistics of city dwellers in China and India stood at a similar figure of 20%.

The percentages of citizens in USA and Korea are predicted to nearly coincide WITH aN ALMOST IDENTICAL figure of 90% in 2030. The proportion of urban residents in China is expected to rise SLUGGISHLY to 67% in 2030 after rocketing threefold to 60% BETWEEN 1990 AND 2010. In comparison with THESE FIGURES, the faction of city dwellers in India is projected to experience a negligible rise of 5% BY 2030, after WITNESSING A RAPID INCREASE FROM 20% IN 1990 TO 35% IN 2010.

Advice:
1. Use adv+v/v+adv combinations or adj+N, not N+Prepositional phrase. E.G. "a stable climb" not "a climb with stability"
2. Change the intro S1 to "The line graph shows ..."
3. Include the word "Overall ... " at the beginning of your key trend. E.G. "Overall, it is evident that the USA and Korea .... "

TA: 7.0
G: 6.0
V: 6.5
CC: 5.5