Live Events

[Success7]

Hi, guys. I've just tried to write an essay with the topic rairaichan0323 used recently. Please investigate this humble one. Thanks in advance.

Some people prefer to see live events (such as music and sports), but others think it is better to watch the events on television. Discuss both of the view and give your opinion.

As the living standards are increasing, watching sports games or music concerts has become common leisure pursuits. Moreover, the widespread of television is accelerating this trend. At this point, some argue that it is more enjoyable to go to the venue such as stadium or concert hall directly, whilst others contend that television provides the best way to amuse oneself. This essay will explore both perspectives to draw a reasoned personal opinion.
Above all, being on the place of a live event has apparent advantages that one can directly interact with the sport players or musicians simultaneously. For example, as for a sport game, you can cheer your team up with deafening yelling so that the players can be encouraged, in turn you are more likely to feel personal intimateness with the players. This approach provides rather straight experience of communication with celebrities. Thus, it is highly understandable why many go to enjoy live events expecting the benefits from the concurrent interaction.
Conceding its positive aspects, however, the actual excursion to the location to enjoy an event usually provokes several nuisances. Some of the cases will be waiting in line to buy ticket or to enter, standing an irritating audience just next to you and bearing the heavy traffic jam when reaching there. All these issues are easily avoided when one just turns on the tube at home, without any further expenses or bothers. Therefore, it is crystal clear that enjoying those kinds of events via broadcasting is the most relaxed as well as easy-going way to be pleased.
In a nutshell, although both aspects have sound background, the usage of television seems to have more support than taking the hassles of going to the venue. However, as everything has its pros and cons, one should choose their own way based on their personal preference, which cannot be forced nor obliged.

[Ryan]

Hi Success7,

I think you put forth a pretty good response. Your structural approach to the essay is solid. I see a clear plan outlined in the introduction. You share fitting examples and draw sound conclusions and tie them back to the essay's central theme.

Grammar and its effects on coherence levels, word use and cohesive clarity is what is holding you back. I see grammatical issues in almost every sentence, and most of these issues lead to a degree of awkwardness. Thus, central to your growth as a writer of English is polishing your grammar. I can tell that you have band 7+ in you, but at the moment the grammatical weakness of your writing is holding you at band 6.

Hope that helps,
Ryan