Pls assess and comment based on marking criteria if possible. THX!!

[plin0627]

It is generally believed that education is of vital importance to the development of individuals and the well-being of societies. What should education consist of to fulfil both these functions?

Education is significantly affecting the individual’s development as well as society’s wellbeing. Understand this importance, the Australia government, for example, has implementing a comprehensive education system that involves all these elements for the sake of personal and national growths. This essay will analyse all types of learnings that ought to be included in an education system as to facilitate both improvements.

To promote individuals’ development, education should stress on neither academic nor ethical learning. These include literacy, numeracy and moral learnings that will change students’ way of thinking and knowledge. For instance, young learners who outstandingly performed at schools can get them ready to higher education more easily. Then they are usually better-prepared for adulthood and will have more job opportunities. In other words, they will have a better quality of life in the future.

Society wellbeing is a bigger scope of achievement, and that the education mechanism ought to involve more sports and arts or social skills learnings since early years. These will then improve overall mental and physical health of a student. Especially in most multicultural countries such as Australia and Malaysia, facilitating intercultural understanding is of crucial. Young people learn to understand themselves and others, and manage their relationships, health, lives, work, and learning more effectively. Such positivity would drive to social stability and economy growth of the local community.

In conclusion, I personally think that every education system must cover all above mentioned learnings as to achieve overall growth individually and nationally. None of these can be fulfilled without the cooperation of both governments and school authorities.

Look forward your evaluation and please advise if possible to get band 7? Thanks much!

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

In the first main paragraph, you state that neither academic or ethical education should be focused on. Then you say these things change children's thinking. I'm not sure what your point is here.

Malaysia is a terrible example. Check out the 'bumiputera' rules for non-Malays who wish to go to university. Malaysia simply does not meet the standards of a truly multicultural society.

Task - This essay is difficult to understand. Evidence and examples are totally inadequate.

Coherence - Hard to understand the arguments.

Vocabulary - Not used to create a cohesive argument.

Grammar - Good accuracy but limited range, e.g. lacking conditionals.

All the best,
David

[Flick]

It is generally believed that education is of vital importance to the development of individuals and the well-being of societies. What should education consist of to fulfil both these functions?

Education significantly affects an individual’s development as well as society’s wellbeing. Understanding this importance, the Australia government, for example, has implemented a comprehensive education system that involves all these elements for the sake of personal and national growth. This essay will analyse all types of learning that ought to be included in an education system.

To promote an individual's development, education should focus on neither academic nor ethical learning.(<--I don't understand this sentence. What should education focus on?) These include literacy, numeracy and moral understanding that will change students’ way of thinking. For instance, young learners who perform well at school can access higher education more easily than poor performers. This means they are usually better-prepared for adulthood and will have more job opportunities. In other words, they will have a better quality of life in the future.

Society's wellbeing is a bigger scope of achievement, and that the education mechanism ought to involve more sports and arts or social skills learnings since early years.(<--I don't understand this sentence.) These will then improve the overall mental and physical health of a student. Especially in multicultural countries such as Australia and Malaysia, facilitating intercultural understanding is crucial. Young people learn to understand themselves and others, and manage their relationships, health, lives, work, and learning more effectively. Such positivity would drive to social stability and economy growth of the local community.(<--I don't understand this sentence.)

In conclusion, I personally think that every education system must cover all of the above mentioned topics in order to achieve overall growth individually and nationally. None of these can be fulfilled without the cooperation of both governments and school authorities.