My response to the task2 essay question I posted earlier.

[Rosh]

Pelease provide feedback to my attempt at this question. I am particularly concerned about whether I've interpreted the question correctly or not. Thank you.

Question: A person’s worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social status and material possessions. Old fashioned values, such as honour, kindness, and Trust no longer seem important. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? Give reasons for your answer and include relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

​All around the world people value different things. In today’s society emphasis is placed on social class and material gains. Although these are of importance, I however believe that original values such as honour, Kindness, and trust are of greater significance to an individual’s worth as these help to build character, and influence attitudes and behaviors.

​An individual’s reputation is formed from important values such as respect .Growing up in the country for example; the common practice of greeting elderly persons, addressing them by their various titles such as miss or mister during conversations reflected the level of esteem for these persons and therefore built the characteristic trait of being a respectable person.

​In addition, an appreciation for former values directly affects one’s approach in everyday life. In my profession as a nurse for instance, having a positive attitude and demonstrating kindness to my patients encourages cooperation from them and appreciation for the care they receive. Likewise, my conduct as a result of the importance placed on the value trust, influences my actions in situations of patient confidentiality to protect vital information about their diagnoses and important health records, thus alleviating fears and building their confidence in my professional ability.

​In conclusion, former values impact one’s personality, views and deportment. It has been shown that values positively influence how people in everyday life are regarded, and also demonstrates how these values assist in day to day decisions and actions. Thus it advised that greater emphasis be placed on values that really justifies a person’s worth and not just the rank and assets of individuals.

[Ryan]

Hi Rosh,

I think there are some positive things going on in this demonstration. For one, I see signs of solid lexical use in many of your sentences. Sentences like "In today’s society emphasis is placed on social class and material gains." demonstrate a certain mastery of the language not seen below band 7.

However, there are certain weaknesses that I feel pull the response back into band 6. One of these is structure. I do not feel you put forth a convincing structure in this response. Your first supporting paragraph, for instance, is a combination of a topic sentence and a loose example. You do not provide much discussion of this example and there is no clear link back to the central theme of your essay. Please remember that you should be guiding the reader through ever step of your argument. Tell the reader exactly what conclusions you want them to draw from the points you are making.

The first supporting paragraph also shows signs of grammatical weakness. The punctuation and structure of your example sentence is awkward and difficult to follow.

Your second supporting paragraph shares a very nice example but fails to make any clear link to the central theme of the essay. What is the reader supposed to conclude from the traits you've developed as a nurse?

The conclusion starts to show how your ideas link to the essay question, but by this point it is too late. You should be tying things together as you progress through the essay. Remind the reader several times of the argument you are making and the position you want to convince them of.

So my actionable advice to you is study essay structure. I'm certain that coupling your fairly strong grasp of English vocabulary and grammar with a solid structure will put you at band 7+. As written here, I would gauge this essay about a band 6.

Good luck,
Ryan

[Rosh]

Hi Rosh,

I think there are some positive things going on in this demonstration. For one, I see signs of solid lexical use in many of your sentences. Sentences like "In today’s society emphasis is placed on social class and material gains." demonstrate a certain mastery of the language not seen below band 7.

However, there are certain weaknesses that I feel pull the response back into band 6. One of these is structure. I do not feel you put forth a convincing structure in this response. Your first supporting paragraph, for instance, is a combination of a topic sentence and a loose example. You do not provide much discussion of this example and there is no clear link back to the central theme of your essay. Please remember that you should be guiding the reader through ever step of your argument. Tell the reader exactly what conclusions you want them to draw from the points you are making.

The first supporting paragraph also shows signs of grammatical weakness. The punctuation and structure of your example sentence is awkward and difficult to follow.

Your second supporting paragraph shares a very nice example but fails to make any clear link to the central theme of the essay. What is the reader supposed to conclude from the traits you've developed as a nurse?

The conclusion starts to show how your ideas link to the essay question, but by this point it is too late. You should be tying things together as you progress through the essay. Remind the reader several times of the argument you are making and the position you want to convince them of.

So my actionable advice to you is study essay structure. I'm certain that coupling your fairly strong grasp of English vocabulary and grammar with a solid structure will put you at band 7+. As written here, I would gauge this essay about a band 6.

Good luck,
Ryan

Good morning Ryan,

Thank you so much for your response. I now know the areas I need to work on. I noticed that you said nothing about misinterpretation of the question therefore I'll conclude that I'm on tract where that is concerned. I'll continue to look to your YouTube videos for guidance re my essays. Thanks again.

[collegehelpone]

Thank yo ufor providing us lot of knowledge about language. But i need a help for admit in a college .So I an decide to get help from collegehelp1 .So Is this my right decision ?Please reply me and tell me your opinion .