need reviews and toughts about my essay (letter +essay)

[yash567blr]

Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

It is true that famous sports people earn alot. Their high earnings are fair or not is very much debatable. In the following paragraphs, we will see the both sides of this before a reasoned conclusion is drawn.

On the one hand, people think that such a high pay is resulting in social imbalance, widening the gap between rich and poor. Firstly, the money they earn is tax payer's money. It should be used for better purpose like giving food and shelter to poor and needy. Secondly, these people are representing the country, which is giving them name and fame. Hence they should be grateful to that instead of taking money for representing their home land.

On the other hand, it is believed that they are getting this money as a gratitude for their hardwork and efforts. They had to go through rigorous training and daily practice to reach that level, so its a kind of compensation to their dedication and will power. Also they are the reason behind our entrainment in sports, we watch them play and they win the games for our country and make us proud. So its justifiable that, they are paid very high. By paying high, it can also encourage other people or next generation to make their career in sports. Because of this, country will be benifited by rich talent pool.

To sum up, I feel that it is very much correct to pay such high salaries to sport people. However, if they can use part of their earnings for the upliftment of society, it will be good.


Letter to come in next post!

[Ryan]

(To the community: I'm sorry I have not been around more. I'm trying to develop new listening, speaking and reading posts for the blog. Balancing this with a career is taking up ALL of my time! I will make an effort to be on this forum more.)

Hi Yash,

Your overall approach is good. You have split the essay up in a manner that allows you to look at both sides of the argument. The problem lies more in the way you word your thoughts. Sentences like this:

Their high earnings are fair or not is very much debatable.

...are very awkward and make you sound as though you are unsure where you stand on the issue. (For the record, I am aware that the sentence you wanted to write was, "Whether they are worthy of such high earnings is debatable.")

I found the essay to be very personal. You use a lot of personal language (i.e. I, we, our, us). At times, it feels as though I am reading a letter and not an academic essay.

The other critical thing your essay lacks is examples. If you do not share true to life examples, the depth with which you analyze the topic will falter.

I would gauge this writing to be about band 5.5. By simply sharing examples and drawing logical conclusions and coupling this with a more academic tone and grammatical accuracy, you will see your mark jump.

Good luck.

[yash567blr]

Thanks Ryan for your valuable inputs