Why this is not a band 9 Essay?

[saqibali]

Nowadays we communicate less with our family members face to face.
What are the causes of this?
What are some potential solutions?


As money earning needs of people are increasing and as they are getting more busy with challenging career demands, it getting tougher to spare time for face communication inside family. Enhanced money needs as well as growing challenges in professional careers are two main causes which keep people busy in their life and hence they have little or no time for their family. Joint family gathering on breakfast table as well as joint sports activities are best solution to enhance inter-family communication.

Growing needs of money keep capturing time of people with full stretch. As people are getting more conscious about their life status, they start looking for more ways to earn money and in turn they start doing so many earning activities in parallel. Such mental attitude force people to utilize each and every moment for money earning work. As a result, people consider family gathering as total wastage of time and useless. An acceptable solution is to give them a procedure that they can adopt without wasting any time. For example, family members can decide to have their breakfast together on same table and on same time. Such gathering will give them enough opportunity to interact with each other.

Increasing challenges offered by careers keep people busy in their jobs more than their capacity. These days, each career field has grown so demanding that it fully utilizes focus and mental strengths of people. Hence such a mental work force people to disengage from their family interactions and focus on their job with more focus and diligence. This behavior is totally unintended and unplanned. An acceptable and practical solution is to keep a schedule of joint family sports activities. For example, family members can decide to meet at a common place at same time and enjoy sports activities together. Such activity will give them necessary opportunities for easy flow of information.

To recap, I would point increasing money needs as well as challenging career demands as key reasons for lack of face to face communication between family members. It is recommended that family members should have their breakfast and sports activities together so that communication can be enhanced between them.

[Pkhatawa]

You have put together your thoughts correctly. You have given reasons, evidence and examples to support your thoughts. However, I think you may please like to review the range and usage of vocabulary. E.g. following are some words, I felt are unfamiliar: money earning needs, busy with challenging career demands, face communication, inside family, Enhanced money needs, inter-family communication, capturing time of people. They could be replaced with: increasing financial needs, busy in meeting career challenges, face-to-face / interpersonal communication, in the family, growing needs for more income.

[saqibali]

Thanks a lot