Writing task 2 - Violence among young people...

[gkm90]

Hello everyone!

I would like a review in this essay.
Thanks in advance.

Gustavo

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Topic: Violence among young people has increased drastically over the past 50 years. This rise moves in tandem with the growth in the violent media. Thus, the conclusion can be drawn that violent media is the main cause of violence among young people. Do you agree or disagree?

Over the last half century violence among young people has increased significantly as well as the development of new sources of media like television and internet. With the easy access to these new sources, teenagers are more exposed to inappropriate subjects like physical and sexual violences. Analysing these facts we can predict that violent media is clearly helping to increase the fury among young people.

One of the huge source of image media in the last five centuries is the television, and teenagers used to watch it very often. Since they are still in the development phase of their personality, all information watched could be used to build it. For example, kids that watch TV shows that contains inappropriate languages will learn and also use those new vocabularies as well as assume that they should be used normally.

Another point that cannot be overlook is the new source of media present nowadays called Internet. Although it could be a powerful learning tool, without the adequate supervision, it will become a huge fountain of bad examples. For instance, kids that use internet without parents supervision are easily exposed to harmful advertisements like sexual and physical violences. Thus contributing drastically for a dirty personality.

In conclusion, it is clear that all the inappropriate information that reach young people through out the media sources influence them to build a aggressive personality. Although it is not possible to avoid all the harmful suppliers, parents should try to supervise closely their kids in order to prevent them from harmful information.

[durai]

First, i really liked your essay length, just over 250 words..try to be around 260-270 just in case if you use some phrases from question


Over the last five decades, violence among young people has significantly increased with the development of violent media such as newspaper, television and internet. With the easy access to these media, teenagers are more exposed to inappropriate subjects like physical and sexual violences. Analysing these facts we can predict that violent media is clearly helping 'help' not a good word to at this place to increase the fury among young people. sentences are bit unclear

sample: Over the last five decades, violence among young people has significantly increased the world over. Some opine that the main cause of this increase is the growth in violent media. From this many concluded that violent media is rapidly increasing crime rate among children. To my mind, violent media and domestic fights are two primary causes of violence among children.

One of the huge sources of image media ? in the last five centuries are you sure? tv introduced only in the early 20th century is the television, and teenagers used to watch it very often. Since they are still in the development phase of their personality, all information watched could be used to build it. For example, kids that watch TV shows that contains inappropriate languages will learn and also use those new vocabularies as well as assume that they should be used normally. not convinced, you need to say how violent media increase violence among children,

Another point that should be overlooked in terms of violent media is the Internet. Although it could be a powerful learning tool, without adequate supervision, it will become a huge fountain of bad examples. For instance, kids that use internet without parents supervision are easily exposed to harmful advertisements like sexual and physical violences. explian how watching videos on the internet force tham to involve in suh violent activities. Thus contributing drastically for a dirty personality.

In conclusion, it is clear that all the inappropriate information that reach young people through out the media resources influence them to build an aggressive personality. Although it is not possible to avoid all the harmful suppliers, parents should try to supervise closely their kids in order to prevent them from involving violent activities

[allen_zhang]

@Durai,
I want to comment a little on your sample.

Over the last five decades, violence among young people has significantly increased the world over. Some opine that the main cause of this increase is the growth in violent media. From this many concluded that violent media is rapidly increasing crime rate among children. To my mind, violent media and domestic fights are two primary causes of violence among children.

#1 "Young people" could be young adults. Using "children" is inappropriate here. "youngster" would be a better alternative. "Juveniles"may also work.

#2 From this many concluded that violent media is rapidly increasing crime rate among children.
This sentence can be removed as it's almost means the same as the sentence before it.

#3 "domestic fights" comes too abruptly.

I would write an introduction like below:
Over the last half century, violence among young people has significantly increased the world over. Some people attribute this to the growth of violence on the media, which happened at almost the same time. From my point of view, besides the increasingly violent media, there are other contributing factors behind this problem.