Hi. Please assess my essay. Thank you.

[Mohamad Faramarzi]

The growth of online shopping will one day lead to all shops in towns and cities closing.
Do you agree or disagree?

It is often argued that the continuous popularity of purchasing products online will eventually cause the closure of all stores in cities. I completely agree with this view because online shopping is cheaper and more convenient.

Online stores always offer cheaper products in comparison to conventional stores for two reasons. Firstly, they do not have to buy or rent premises for their businesses, which helps them save a significant amount of money. In addition, by not hiring salespeople, online shops save some other money. These two factors enable them to provide their products with a price that traditional stores cannot compete with at all. A recent survey by Amazon, which is the biggest online store in the world, concluded that the prime reason that their customers choose their website to shop from is the fact that they sell their items cheaper than anywhere else.

Another point to consider is that online shopping is much more convenient than in-store shopping. Online shoppers do not have to go to their local stores or usually crowded department stores to do their shoppings. Instead, they could choose the most affordable items from an infinitive variety of options that online shops offer and get them delivered at the touch of a button, from the comfort of their own homes. This great convenience is the main reason that I do all my shoppings, even my daily groceries online.

In conclusion, I believe that traditional brick and mortar stores will be completely disappeared in the near future since they will not be able to compete with online stores due to the fact that they let their customers buy cheaper products more conveniently.

[goldcoastielts]

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Thanks for your submission Mohamad Faramarzi!! Please see my rewrite below ...

It is often argued that the CONTINUING popularity of purchasing products online will eventually LEAD TO the closure of all stores in cities. I completely agree with this view because online shopping is cheaper and more convenient.

Online stores always offer cheaper products in comparison to conventional stores for two reasons. Firstly, they do not have to buy or rent premises for their businesses, which helps them save a significant amount of money. In addition, by not HAVING TO HIRE salespeople, online shops ARE ABLE TO SAVE EVEN MORE MONEY. These two factors enable them to provide their products AT a price that traditional stores cannot compete with at all. IN FACT, a recent survey by Amazon, which is the biggest online store in the world, concluded that the prime reason that their customers choose their website to shop from is the fact that they sell their items cheaper than anywhere else.

Another point to consider is that online shopping is much more convenient than in-store shopping. Online shoppers do not have to go to their local stores or department stores THAT ARE ALWAYS CROWDED to do their SHOPPING. Instead, they could choose the most affordable items from an infinitive variety of options that online shops offer and get them delivered at the touch of a button, from the comfort of their own homes. This great convenience is the main reason that I do all my SHOPPING, even my daily groceries, (add comma) online.

In conclusion, I believe that traditional brick and mortar stores will (delete 'be') completely DISAPPEAR in the near future since they will not be able to compete with online stores due to the fact that they let their customers buy cheaper products more conveniently.


Nice essay! Just try to use two or three sentences in the conclusion, and make sure both bodies are of the same quality.

Advice:
1. Instead of using "adverb + adjective + noun" (unusually crowded department stores), it would be more natural to use "noun + relative clause"
2. 'Shopping' not 'shoppings'
3. Sometimes you use sentences that are a little too long, for example your entire conclusion is one long sentence. It would have been better to cut this sentence after 'online stores' and then start a new sentence with "This is due to the fact that..."

Band-score:
TA: 7.0
G: 7.5
V: 7.5
CC: 6.0

[Mohamad Faramarzi]

Hello Mr. Schultz
Thank you so much for your time and invaluable feedback. Thank you for your generous work.
You are a true blessing to me and a great help in my preparation for the test.
Hope you and your family the best.

[goldcoastielts]

Thanks Mohammad.