The government's investment in arts, music and theatre is a waste of money. Governments should invest these funds in public services instead.
To what extent do you agree with this statement?
The government expend money on several areas of the economy, one of which is entertainment such as art exhibitions, and musical shows. However, some argue that these monies should be diverted to much more profitable ventures such as health care and education. I am inclined to agree fully with this latter sentiment as the pillars of society rest on the well-being and knowledge of the population.
One key area of the economy that requires funds that can otherwise be disbursed to arts is health. For instance, in Korea, one of the major problems is illness among the citizens, particularly the older ones, this causes the mortality rate to be high. Furthermore, if more funds are invested into areas such as research and development of vaccines, this will go a long way to persevere the health of the people, which is very much preferable and long-lasting, in contrast with trivial amusement that is ephemeral and has no lasting contribution.
Another sector that requires the attention of the government is education. Research from Nigeria Today reports that aside from infrastructure, a major dent to the growth of Nigeria is low-quality education. Moreover, a nation is only as rich as its individuals. The impartation of knowledge into the upcoming generation is a more useful way for the government to invest the sweat of taxpayers, as when ignorance is reduced it will spur up innovation and creativity.
To conclude, leaders of society should be prudent with finances. I fully agree that funds disbursed into entertainment are of no benefit to society. Although, if such capital is invested into more cogent areas such as hospitals and educational infrastructure, it will bode well for the country and yield better returns in the nearest future.
Evaluate Please
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Re: Evaluate Please
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Thanks for your submission shabi1!! Please see my rewrite below ...
The government SPENDS money on several areas of the economy, one of which is entertainment FOR THE PUBLIC such as art exhibitions (no comma) and musical shows. However, some argue that these monies should be diverted to much more BENEFICIAL ventures such as health care and education. I am inclined to agree fully with this latter sentiment as the pillars of society rest on the well-being and knowledge of the population.
One key area of the economy that requires funds WHICH COULD otherwise be disbursed to arts is health. For instance, in Korea, one of the major problems is illness among the citizens, particularly the older ones, (delete 'this causes the mortality rate to be high') AND THIS LEADS TO HIGH MORTALITY RATES. Furthermore, if more funds are invested into areas such as THE research and development of vaccines, this will go a long way to PRESERVING the health of the people, which is very much preferable and long-lasting, in contrast with trivial amusementS that ARE ephemeral and HAVE no lasting contributionS.
Another sector that requires the attention of the government is education. Research from Nigeria Today reports that aside from infrastructure, a major dent to (delete 'the') growth IN Nigeria is low-quality education. Moreover, a nation is only as rich as its individuals. The IMPARTING of knowledge TO the upcoming generation is a more useful way for the government to invest the sweat of taxpayers, as when ignorance is reduced it will spur (delete 'up') innovation and creativity.
To conclude, leaders of society should be prudent with PUBLIC finances. I fully agree that funds disbursed into entertainment are of no benefit to society. HOWEVER, if such capital is invested into more cogent areas such as hospitals and educational infrastructure, it will bode well for the country and yield better returns in the nearest future.
This is a good essay with a solid structre. However, there were moments in the body paragraphs when meaning became a little unclear.
Advice:
1. Be careful about where you place punctuation. Sometimes you add commas when you don't need them.
2. There are some made-up words here like 'impartation' and 'spur up'. Make sure you use commonly accepted English words or the meaning will suffer.
Band-score:
TA: 6.5
G: 7.0
V: 7.5
CC: 7.0
IELTS essay check : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/essays
Online IELTS lessons : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/lessons
IELTS Freebies!! : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/freebies
YouTube - "Task 1 General - "FORMALITY" : https://youtu.be/BsATzBqq03o
Thanks for your submission shabi1!! Please see my rewrite below ...
The government SPENDS money on several areas of the economy, one of which is entertainment FOR THE PUBLIC such as art exhibitions (no comma) and musical shows. However, some argue that these monies should be diverted to much more BENEFICIAL ventures such as health care and education. I am inclined to agree fully with this latter sentiment as the pillars of society rest on the well-being and knowledge of the population.
One key area of the economy that requires funds WHICH COULD otherwise be disbursed to arts is health. For instance, in Korea, one of the major problems is illness among the citizens, particularly the older ones, (delete 'this causes the mortality rate to be high') AND THIS LEADS TO HIGH MORTALITY RATES. Furthermore, if more funds are invested into areas such as THE research and development of vaccines, this will go a long way to PRESERVING the health of the people, which is very much preferable and long-lasting, in contrast with trivial amusementS that ARE ephemeral and HAVE no lasting contributionS.
Another sector that requires the attention of the government is education. Research from Nigeria Today reports that aside from infrastructure, a major dent to (delete 'the') growth IN Nigeria is low-quality education. Moreover, a nation is only as rich as its individuals. The IMPARTING of knowledge TO the upcoming generation is a more useful way for the government to invest the sweat of taxpayers, as when ignorance is reduced it will spur (delete 'up') innovation and creativity.
To conclude, leaders of society should be prudent with PUBLIC finances. I fully agree that funds disbursed into entertainment are of no benefit to society. HOWEVER, if such capital is invested into more cogent areas such as hospitals and educational infrastructure, it will bode well for the country and yield better returns in the nearest future.
This is a good essay with a solid structre. However, there were moments in the body paragraphs when meaning became a little unclear. Advice:
1. Be careful about where you place punctuation. Sometimes you add commas when you don't need them.
2. There are some made-up words here like 'impartation' and 'spur up'. Make sure you use commonly accepted English words or the meaning will suffer.
Band-score:
TA: 6.5
G: 7.0
V: 7.5
CC: 7.0
