Pleas Evaluate this Task Some people believe that teenagers should be required to do unpaid community work in their free

[shabi1]

What teenagers should do with their spare time has become a topic for debate. Some are of the opinion that this time be used for beneficial community work. I strongly agree with this because of the leadership traits it will groom in children, it is a great way to spend time, and also, support for the elderly is improved.
Firstly, partaking in activities such as this prepare children to be leaders in future. For example, Dr. Martin Luther king, known to be a very passionate leader used to help to the community by serving them in ways such as cleaning up the street, and helping the elderly run on errands, even doing some menial work for them. Furthermore, When young adults assist in nurturing a community it fosters a sense of responsibility in them, and this bodes well for society.
Secondly, working for the immediate environment is great way to exercise. Research, shows that teenagers in India suffer health related problems because they allocate too much time to sedentary lifestyle, such as watching tv shows, cartoons, and playing video games. Consequently, 2 in every 5 India child suffer some sort of ailment such as back pain caused by the sedentary lifestyle. Finally, when teenagers assist the elderly, it makes them happy and this contributes positively to the social life of their communities.
To conclude, when teenagers are partly responsible for their immediate environment, it builds positive traits, it is a good way to work out, and also fosters togetherness. Thereby, leading to a better community for all.

[goldcoastielts]

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Thanks for your submission shabi1!! Please see my rewrite below ...

INTRO:
RECENTLY, HOW teenagers SPEND their spare time has become a topic for debate. Some are of the opinion that this time be used for beneficial community work. I strongly agree with this because of the leadership traits it will ENGENDER in children, it is a great way to spend time, and also, support for the elderly is improved.

B1:
Firstly, partaking in activities such as this PREPARES children to be leaders in future. For example, Dr. Martin Luther king, WHO WAS known to be a very passionate leader, (add comma) used to help (delete "to") the community by serving them in ways such as cleaning up the street, (delete "and") helping the elderly run on errands, AND even doing some menial work for them. Furthermore, when (small 'w') young adults assist in nurturing a community it fosters a sense of responsibility in them, and this bodes well for THE FUTURE OF society.

B2:
Secondly, DOING WORK FOR for the immediate environment is A great way to exercise. Research (DELETE COMMA) shows that teenagers in India suffer health-related (add hyphen) problems because they allocate too much time to THEIR/A sedentary lifestyle, such as watching tv shows, cartoons, and playing video games. Consequently, 2 OUT OF every 5 (DELETE "India child") INDIAN CHILDREN suffer some sort of ailment such as back pain caused by THIER EASY lifestyleS. Finally, when teenagers assist the elderly, it makes them happy and this contributes positively to the social life of their communities.

CONC:
To conclude, when teenagers are partly responsible for their immediate environment, it builds positive traits, it is a good way to work out, and also fosters togetherness. THIS, thereby, WILL LEAD to a better community for all.



This is a very competent task 2 response. You have the big things right now, so try to change your focus not to the small things (punctuation, word repetition..) .

Advice:
1. Make sure you leave a space between each paragraph so that the paragraphing is very very clear. Otherwise it can have the appearance of one big paragraph. Please check the YouTube video on Critical Thinking above for help with logical progression.
2. Try to use dependent and independent relative clauses properly i.e. "who was known to be a very passionate leader"
3. There were some problems wth commas in the wrong places. This is important to fix because punctuation is part of the GRAMMAR criteria.
4. Try not to repeat the same word too many times in close proximity i.e. "sedentary" in B2.

Band-score:
TA: 7.5
G: 7.5
V: 8.0
CC: 6.5 (paragraphing)

[shabi1]

Thank you so much your review has really boosted my confidence!

[goldcoastielts]

That's great shabi1!