Hello,
Some people believe that a person’s intelligence is inherited from the parents, while others believe that their environment is the main factor. Discuss these views. Which factor do you think is mostly responsible for intelligence?
You should give reasons for your answer, and include ideas and examples from your own knowledge and experience.
Write at least 250 words.
The Essay:-
Researchers have found that the reason behind one's intelligence is disturbingly questionable. Many people claim that cognitive abilities are transferred genetically from their parents. However, many research studies show that the environment one is brought up in impacts one's abilities and skills. Besides, the sort of education provided plays an important role as well.
On the one hand, statistically, one may easily observe that the offsprings mostly tend to excel in the same activities their parents used to be outstanding. For example, several tennis champions of this century are the offspring of older generation champions. It is commonly noticeable, many children not only possess the same profession as their parents but also establish remarkable achievements in their fields. Hence, one can claim that each individual inherits his skills from his parents.
On the other hand, extensive research studies on orphan's intelligence have taken place. Surprisingly, they have manifested that most of the orphans tend to develop plenty of similar skills and abilities as their foster parents, rather than their biological parent's previously known perfection. Hence, the way a child is raised and educated has a massive impact on his abilities and personality. For instance, what kind of education is offered, what kind of activities are accessible, and how one is treated are factors that influence one's achievability.
In conclusion, children tend to inherit many skills and abilities from their parents. However, I believe, albeit genetic inheritance, it might be more connected to the environment they grew up in or how their parents influenced their choices.
General Training Writing Task 2 :) your comments will be really appreciated
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Re: General Training Writing Task 2 :) your comments will be really appreciated
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Thanks for your submission sosolopi!! Please see my rewrite below ...
Researchers have found that the (change "reason behind") BASIS OF one's intelligence is HIGHLY questionable. Many people claim that cognitive abilities are transferred genetically from their parents. However, many research studies show that the environment one is brought up in impacts one's abilities and skills. Besides THESE POINTS, the sort of education provided plays an important role as well.
On the one hand, statistically SPEAKING, one may easily observe that (change "the offsprings") CHILDREN mostly tend to excel in the same activities (change "their parents used to be outstanding") THAT THEIR PARENTS EXCELLED IN. For example, several tennis champions of this century are the offspring of (change "older generation champions") CHAMPIONS FROM PREVIOUS GENERATIONS. It is (delete "commonly") THEREFORE QUITE noticeable THAT many children not only ENTER the same profession as their parents, but also HAVE remarkable achievements in their fields. Hence, one can claim ("It can be claimed ...." might be a better choice??) that each individual inherits his skills from his parents.
On the other hand, extensive research studies on THE INTELLIGENCE OF ORPHANS HAS taken place. Surprisingly, they FOUND that most of the orphans tend to develop plenty of similar skills and abilities as their foster parents, rather than (change "their biological parent's previously known perfection") THOSE THAT THEIR BIOLOGICAL PARENTS WERE GOOD AT. Hence, the way a child is raised and educated has a massive impact on his abilities and personality. For instance, what kind of education is offered, what kind of activities are accessible, and how one is treated are ALL factors that influence HOW MUCH A PERSON ACHIEVES IN LIFE.
In conclusion, children tend to inherit many skills and abilities from their parents. However, I believe, (cannot understand albeit genetic inheritance), THESE THINGS might be more connected to the environment they grew up in or how their parents influenced their choices.
This is a good first attempt. There are a few basic things to work on firstly, before you can start moving it up higher and higher. Please focus on the "advice" below!
Advice:
1. Try not to overuse the same words. For example, in the first two paragraphs, you used the word "one" quite a lot. Try to change it to "people" or some other synonym.
2. Sometimes when you make a complex noun, it is better to use "NOUN of NOUN" rather that "NOUN'S NOUN".
3. You could offer some real examples from your own experience or knowledge in the body paragraphs.
4. Try to use a broader range of linking devices. You used on the one hand/on the other hand, for example/for instance, and hence/hence. There are a lot of other choices you could use in these position.
TA: 5.5
G: 6.0
V: 5.5
CC: 5.5
IELTS essay check : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/essays
Online IELTS lessons : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/lessons
IELTS Freebies!! : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/freebies
YouTube - "TASK 1 BODY LINKING PHRASES" : https://youtu.be/Z4RRxefhOds
Thanks for your submission sosolopi!! Please see my rewrite below ...
Researchers have found that the (change "reason behind") BASIS OF one's intelligence is HIGHLY questionable. Many people claim that cognitive abilities are transferred genetically from their parents. However, many research studies show that the environment one is brought up in impacts one's abilities and skills. Besides THESE POINTS, the sort of education provided plays an important role as well.
On the one hand, statistically SPEAKING, one may easily observe that (change "the offsprings") CHILDREN mostly tend to excel in the same activities (change "their parents used to be outstanding") THAT THEIR PARENTS EXCELLED IN. For example, several tennis champions of this century are the offspring of (change "older generation champions") CHAMPIONS FROM PREVIOUS GENERATIONS. It is (delete "commonly") THEREFORE QUITE noticeable THAT many children not only ENTER the same profession as their parents, but also HAVE remarkable achievements in their fields. Hence, one can claim ("It can be claimed ...." might be a better choice??) that each individual inherits his skills from his parents.
On the other hand, extensive research studies on THE INTELLIGENCE OF ORPHANS HAS taken place. Surprisingly, they FOUND that most of the orphans tend to develop plenty of similar skills and abilities as their foster parents, rather than (change "their biological parent's previously known perfection") THOSE THAT THEIR BIOLOGICAL PARENTS WERE GOOD AT. Hence, the way a child is raised and educated has a massive impact on his abilities and personality. For instance, what kind of education is offered, what kind of activities are accessible, and how one is treated are ALL factors that influence HOW MUCH A PERSON ACHIEVES IN LIFE.
In conclusion, children tend to inherit many skills and abilities from their parents. However, I believe, (cannot understand albeit genetic inheritance), THESE THINGS might be more connected to the environment they grew up in or how their parents influenced their choices.
This is a good first attempt. There are a few basic things to work on firstly, before you can start moving it up higher and higher. Please focus on the "advice" below! Advice:
1. Try not to overuse the same words. For example, in the first two paragraphs, you used the word "one" quite a lot. Try to change it to "people" or some other synonym.
2. Sometimes when you make a complex noun, it is better to use "NOUN of NOUN" rather that "NOUN'S NOUN".
3. You could offer some real examples from your own experience or knowledge in the body paragraphs.
4. Try to use a broader range of linking devices. You used on the one hand/on the other hand, for example/for instance, and hence/hence. There are a lot of other choices you could use in these position.
TA: 5.5
G: 6.0
V: 5.5
CC: 5.5
