Writing Task 2 - Please give your valuable feedback!

[afaque99]

Some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and that this money could be better spent elsewhere.

To what extent do you agree with this view?


Essay:

With the world facing a number of greater problems, governments are still spending on arts. Some people oppose this kind of spending and personally, I feel this money should be spent on issues other than arts, and I will explain why.

Firstly, spending money on arts is not a sensible idea for governments, especially when there are more vital things to pay attention to, such as unemployment, poverty, and global warming. Unemployment has become a serious problem in many countries and because of that people are suffering financially and mentally. However, governments should spend their resources to create new job opportunities, for example, by starting new projects. It would not only create new jobs but also contribute to the development of society. In addition, poverty is a major evil that exists among many nations, and instead of spending on arts, if the governments support those who are struggling hard to feed their families, by helping them through some kind of income support or stipend programs. Finally, we have to remember the issue of global warming which is the current hot topic on many social and economic forums. Almost all the countries are dedicating their resources to control this global phenomenon, but in order to switch from traditional energy to green energy sources such as wind and solar energy, a huge investment in research and development is needed, which I think is wise spending compared to arts.

I do appreciate that some people think differently, saying that spending on arts is not a waste of money, it preserves the traditions of a culture, after all. While it is true to some extent but I feel it is less important than other pressing problems.

In conclusion, I believe countries should spend their resources on the problems that are more important than arts. However, some spending on the arts is acceptable as long as it doesn’t leave the above-mentioned problems unattended.

[goldcoastielts]

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Thanks for your submission afaque!! Please see my rewrite below ...

AS the world FACES a (delete "number of greater") GREATER NUMBER OF problems, governments are still spending MONEY on THE arts. Some people oppose this kind of spending and personally, I feel this money should be spent on issues other than THE arts, WHICH I will explain BELOW.

Firstly, (delete "spending money on arts") IT is not a sensible idea for governments TO SPEND HUGE AMOUNTS OF MONEY ON THE ARTS, especially when there are more vital things to pay attention to, such as unemployment, poverty, and global warming. Unemployment has become a serious problem in many countries and because of that people are suffering BOTH financially and mentally. However, governments should spend their resources (delete "to create") ON CREATING new job opportunities, (delete "for example, by starting") SUCH AS new projects OR POVERTY ALLEVIATION. THIS would not only create new jobs, (add comma) but also contribute to the development of society. In addition, poverty is a major evil that exists among many nations, and instead of spending on arts, (delete "if the") IT WOULD PROBABLY A BETTER IDEA IF governments supportED (hypothetical conditional with simple past verb) those who are struggling hard to feed their families, by helping them through some kind of income support or stipend programs. Finally, we have to remember the issue of global warming which is ONE OF the current hot topic on many social and economic forums. Almost all OF the countries IN THE WORLD are dedicating their resources to controlLING this global phenomenon, but in order to switch from traditional energy to green energy sources such as wind and solar energy, a huge investment in research and development is needed, which I think is (delete "wise spending") A MUCH WISER USE OF GOVERNMENT FUNDS compared to THE arts.

I do appreciate that some people think differently, saying that spending on THE arts is not a waste of money BECAUSE it DOES AFTER ALL preserve the traditions of a culture, (delete "after all"). AND while THIS is true to some extent, (delete "but") I feel it is less important than other pressing problems.

In conclusion, I believe countries should spend their resources on the problems that are more important than arts. However, some spending on the arts is acceptable as long as it doesn’t leave the above-mentioned problems unattended.

Nice essay! Really good grammar and vocab. i would say that the structure looks a little odd from a bird's-eye view. The second paragraph is huge while the other three are all quite small. It might have been a better idea to work out a better plan before you wrote..


Advice:
1. Use "It is.." or "There are ..." to introduce ideas, rather than a gerund ("Spending money on ...")
2. It is a good idea to use pairs of nouns, or 3-part lists, rather than single nouns.This can increase your word count and show off your knowledge of English vocabulary. i.e. "such as new projects or poverty alleviation")
3. Hedging language such as "is/can be one of the.." is very nice and academic sounding. You don't always want to say things as if they are definite facts.
4. art = human creative skill / the arts = painting, literature, music, dance...

Band-score:
TA: 7.0
G: 7.5
V: 7.5
CC: 7.0