writing task 2 please evaluate

[leo7.5]

Car ownership has increased so rapidly over the past thirty years that many cities in the world are now 'one big traffic jam'.

How true do you think this statement is? What measures can governments take to discourage people from using their cars?

Urbanization came with many benefits such as better lifestyle, increased opportunities and overall welfare. But the biggest upset of the sprouting metropolitan came when the unprecedented increase in car ownership lead to a horrible everyday traffic congestion. As a city dweller myself, I completely agree with the statement of cities turning into a 'one big traffic jam'.

It is without a doubt at the heart of every mega city, the problem of roads being overcrowded with cars and various forms of automobiles. It is even worse in the third world countries which have substandard roads and non-existent public transport to support the mammoth size population. To curb this nuisance, governments must employ smart and effective tactics such as introducing stricter car ownership laws and providing a high quality and efficient public transport to be used instead.

A model example of a state which has managed to persevere has to be of Singapore. The tiny coastal state has a very small landmass and a high density of population compared to its size. Government of Singapore inducted strong laws and high taxes for car ownership and provided a wide varieties of efficient, state of the art and model public transports for its citizen to be used instead of private cars. The result was astounding as Singapore compared to other mega cities around the world experienced much less traffic congestion and traffic related problems.

It is therefore very visible by the aforementioned example that a state can bring about the change needed to tackle the ever growing issue of traffic congestion in cities and by enacting stricter laws and investing heavily in public transport it can eventually eradicate the clogging of traffic that pulses through the entire city.

[goldcoastielts]

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Thanks for your submission leo7.5!! Please see my rewrite below ...

INTRO:
Urbanization HAS COME with many benefits such as better lifestyle, increased opportunities and overall welfare, but PERHAPS the biggest upset of the sprouting metropolitan SPRAWL came when the unprecedented increase in car ownership lead to (delete 'a' as "congestion" is uncountable) horrible everyday traffic congestion. As a city dweller myself, I completely agree with the statement THAT SAYS cities ARE turning into (delete 'a' as it has same meaning as 'one') 'one big traffic jam'.

B1:
Without a doubt, the PROBLEM AT THE heart of every mega city IS the problem of roads being overcrowded with cars and various forms of automobiles. THIS PROBLEM is even worse in the third world countries which have sub-standard roads and non-existent public transport to support the mammoth sizeD populationS. To curb this nuisance, governments must employ smart and effective tactics such as (delete "introducing" as same meaning as 'employ') stricter car ownership laws and THE PROVISION OF a high quality and efficient public transport NETWORK instead.

B2:
A model example of a state which has managed to persevere has to be THAT of Singapore. The tiny coastal state has a very small landmass and a high density of population compared to its size. THE government of Singapore INTRODUCED strong laws and high taxes for car ownership and ALSO provided a wide varietY of efficient, state of the art, and model public transports METHODS for its citizen to (delete 'be') use instead of private cars. The result was AN astounding SUCCESS as Singapore (compared to other mega cities around the world) BEGAN TO experience much less traffic congestion and traffic related problems.

CONC:
It is therefore very visible by the aforementioned example (too wordy - make it simpler) that a state can bring about the change needed to tackle the ever growing issue of traffic congestion in cities. By enacting stricter laws and investing heavily in public transport ALL CITIES WILL eventually BE ABLE TO eradicate the TERRIBLE traffic JAMS that CAUSE SUCH BIG PROBLEMS IN cities THROUGHOUT THE WORLD.


Advice:
1. Use the present perfect where appropriate (intro S1).
2. 'sprouting metrpolitan' is not a noun phrase. You need to add a noun to these two adjectives.
3. Try to use linking language that sounds more natural. i.e. NOT "It is very visible by the aforementioned example ..." but rather something like "To conclude, the aforementioned example makes it clear ..."

Band-score:
TA: 7.5 (good answers to both parts of the question in the B1 and B2)
G: 7.0 (study the above notes carefully)
V: 8.0 (excellent)
CC: 7.0 (Sometimes CC is a bit strange or inappropriate in this essay, as in the conclusion.)

Overall a very strong effort!