writing task 2 please evaluate

[leo7.5]

Supermarkets should only sell food produced from within their own country rather than imports from overseas.

What are your opinions on this?


Supermarkets nowadays boast huge varieties of exotic products imported from the overseas. These products are often much more pricey than their local counterparts yet, they have managed to allure the customers. This trend seems to be catching on pretty fast and has had some degrading effect on the sales of the local products. Personally, I believe supermarkets should prioritize selling of native produce over foreign products. In this essay I will further dwell on the importance of supporting local production.

A country's GDP is very heavily determined by the consumption of the locally produced goods. In simple terms, a country which is self-sufficient need not depend on foreign aid. It is precisely due to this that local products should be given precedence over foreign items. This not only helps the farmers and the local businesses, the whole supply chain involved benefits from the increase in consumption of local goods. It has a very positive effect on the economy as well.

However, this is not applicable to all the countries and there are certain scenarios where dependence on a foreign product is not a mere luxury but a necessity. Most countries around the world do not enjoy favorable climates or conditions to meet their individual needs and have to import to compensate. Moreover, some countries like China have a massive population with a very big appetite centered around rice. Inevitably China ends up importing rice to fill in the gap from its insufficient production.

In the end, we are living in a time when earth has truly become a global village. Countries depend on each other and have strong bilateral trade ties. Having said that, it is still very essential for the people of a specific country to stand by their products. Subsequently, super markets should prioritize native commodities but should not confine themselves to local products only.

[goldcoastielts]

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Thanks for your submission leo7.5!! Please see my rewrite below ...

INTRO:
Supermarkets nowadays boast A huge varietY of exotic products imported from (delete 'the' because 'overseas' is an adverb here) overseas. These products are often much pricIER than their local counterparts, yet (delete comma here) they have managed to allure MANY customers. This trend seems to be catching on VERY QUICKLY ('fast' is an adverb, but 'quickly sounds better) and has had some DEBILITATING effect on the sales of the local products. Personally, I believe supermarkets should prioritize THE selling of native produce over foreign products. In this essay I will further dwell on the importance of supporting local production.

B1:
A country's GDP is MOSTLY determined by the consumption of (delete 'the') locally produced goods, WHICH, in simple terms, MEANS THAT a country THAT is self-sufficient need not depend on foreign aid. It is precisely due to this POINT that local products should be given precedence over foreign items. This not only helps the farmers and the local businesses, BUT the whole supply chain involved benefits from the increase in THE consumption of local goods. IN THE END, THIS has a very positive effect on the economy as A WHOLE.

B2:
However, this is not applicable to all (delete 'the') countries and there are certain scenarios where dependence on a foreign product is not a mere luxury but a necessity (GOOD). Most countries around the world do not enjoy climates or conditions THAT ARE FAVOURABLE ENOUGH to meet their individual needs and CONSEQUENTLY have to RELY ON importS to compensate. Moreover, THERE ARE A FEW countries like China THAT have massive populationS THAT RELY ON RICE AS THE STAPLE PART OF THEIR DIET. Inevitably China ends up importing rice to fill (delete 'in') the gap RESULTING FROM its OWN insufficient production.

CONC:
In the end, we are living in a time when earth has truly become a global village. Countries depend on each other and have strong bilateral trade ties. Having said that , it is still (delete 'very' because 'essential' is an absolute adjective) essential for the people of a specific country to SUPPORT THEIR OWN MANUFACTURERS AND THE PRODUCTS THEY PRODUCE. Subsequently, super markets (one word) should prioritize DOMESTICALLY-PRODUCED commodities but should not confine themselves to local products only.


Advice:
1. Very good, but your introduction is much longer than both the body paragraphs. This doesn't give you a lot of space to expand upon your body ideas, which should be the main part of the essay. Try to write shorter intros (40 words) and longer body paragraphs (90+ words).
2. You are still adding 'the' when you don't need it.
3. Study the difference between 'which' and 'that' a little bit more. Also try adding more adverbs before your adjectves ('domestically produced etc.)

Band-score:
TA: 7.0 (be careful about the length of the intro and conclusion).
G: 7.5+
V: 7.5+
CC: 7.5+