IELTS Task 2 - Cambridge 15 / Please Evaluate

[magdihoms]

In many countries, paying for things using mobile phones (cellphones) apps is becoming increasingly common. Does this development have more advantages or more disadvantages?

Around the world, many options for electronic payment have emerged due to the contemporary unprecedented technological revolution. Despite electronic transactions being relatively cost and time effective this convenience comes at a very high cost. This essay will argue that the benefits of electronic payment is ultimately overshadowed by the financial security concerns of the users.

Initially, paying for daily commodities through electronic wallets and mobile applications seems to be more practical and easier. This is because users do not have to carry cash bills with them when they are shopping. Should a consumer need to purchase a particular product, a mobile application is all that is need to pay for it without the excruciating experience of waiting in long queues to pay at the cashier.

Admittedly, consumers save tremendous time and cost by using electronic payment applications, yet it is that question of financial security that arises. Electronic payment means that all credit and financial information of people are available online on the internet. This means that these credentials may be a target for many hackers and cybercriminals who can infiltrate the security measures of these platforms and gain information to execute their devious thefts. This will have grave consequences as electronic payment software users will be mired in a financial morass if they were subjected to a hacker attack and lost all credit in their accounts.

In conclusion, although electronic payment appears to be easier and cost effective, I believe that the financial security issues eclipse these conveniences in the sense that users are always vulnerable to fall victims to hackers and cybercriminals.

[goldcoastielts]

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Thanks for your submission magdihoms!! Please see my rewrite below ...

INTRO:
(BEST INTRO I HAVE SEEN ON THIS FORUM, WELL DONE!!)
ALL around the world, many options for electronic payment have emerged due to the unprecedented technological revolution THAT IS CURRENTLY TAKING PLACE. Despite electronic transactions being relatively cost- and time-effective (add hyphens) this convenience comes at a very high cost (nice sentence) ). This essay will argue that the benefits of electronic paymentS ARE ultimately overshadowed by the financial security concerns of the users.

B1:
Initially, paying for daily commodities BY USING electronic wallets and mobile applications seems to be more practical and A LOT easier. This is because users do not have to carry cash bills with them when they are shopping, AND ADDITIONALLY, should a consumer need to purchase a particular product, a mobile application is all that is needED (past participle for passive) to pay for it without the excruciating experience of HAVING TO WAIT in long queues to pay at the cashier.

B2:
Admittedly, consumers CAN save A tremendous AMOUNT OF time and MONEY by using electronic payment applications, yet it is ALWAYS that question of financial security that arises IN THE END. USING electronic payment SYSTEMS means that all credit and financial information of ALL people IS available online on the internet. This means that these credentials may be a target for (delete 'many') hackers and cybercriminals who can GET AROUND the security measures of these platforms and GET ACCESS TO THE information THEY NEED to STEAL PEOPLES' LIFE SAVINGS. This will have grave consequences as electronic payment software users will be mired in a financial morass if they were subjected to a hacker attack and lost all credit in their accounts (VERY DIFFICULT SENTENCE. I WILL REWRITE IT ....)

"This will have grave consequences because, as electronic payment software users become more and more entrapped in the financial morass caused by hacker attacks, they could eventually end up losing all the information in their credit accounts."

CONC:
In conclusion, although PAYING ELECTRONICALLY appears to be easier and MORE cost effective, I believe that the financial security issues eclipse these conveniences in the sense that users are always vulnerable to fall victim (delete plural 's' - this is an idiomatic phrase and does not need to link to the subject "they") to hackers and cybercriminals.

Advice: (Good job Magdihoms , your essays are getting much better!!! This is the best essay I have seen on this site so far...)
1. Sometimes a relative clause ("that ...") is better than an adverb ("currently...") i.e. line 1
2. You are still making some subject-verb mistakes i.e. sentence 2 in the B2 "information are..."
3. Try to keep B1 and B2 the same length.

TA: 7.5
G: 7.0
V: 8.0
CC: 8.0