IELTS Task 2: Evaluation needed, first post

[anmolpandey]

More and more people these days work harder and longer hours and have no time for family life and friends. What are the causes in your opinion for this? How is it affecting family life and the society as a whole?

Nowadays, a larger number of people work excessively and beyond their regular working hours leaving very less time for interaction with family members and friends. Although the high cost of living and larger expectation from the employers have compelled them do so, it certainly has adversely affected relationship within the family and the society at large.

Several factors have contributed towards working harder and longer. Firstly, majority of people have started to do overtime and put an extra effort to earn more money as the personal living expenses have risen dramatically. For instance, teachers conducting extra tution classes due to low salary. Secondly, higher expectations from boss requires the employees to work for extended hours. In other words, employers deligate more responsibilities to limited staff which compels workers to utilize all their power and time to complete assigned tasks within the deadlines. For instance, bankers work for eleven hours per day on an average. Thus, personal and organizational requirements force people to spend most of their time and effort at work.

However, the above mentioned situation has impacted not only the family but also the community. In fact, the family bonding has been adversely disturbed as both the husband and wife work longer shifts and thus barely have quality family time. Consequently, family issues,such as divorce, has increased frastically. Furthermore, isolation within a society is another negative effect of not having any time for society. In other words, people rarely interact with the neighbours or organize any programs at community which could have build a better network and bonding because they are not free from their job. Today, to illustrate, community members do not even know each other properly. Thus, spending all the time and energy on the job have negatively impacted the family and the neighbourhood.

In conclusion, though it is the necessity of people to work harder and for longer longer hours to aid their living standard and fulfill the work responsibilities, the consequences cannot be overlooked since it is found to have destroyed family relationship and community bonding.

[goldcoastielts]

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Thanks for your submission anmolpandey!! Please see my rewrite below ...

INTRO:
Nowadays, a large AND LARGER number of people ARE workING FAR beyond their regular working hours leaving A LOT less time for interaction with family members and friends. BUT IS THIS REALLY THE CASE? THIS ESSAY WILL ANALYSE WHY EMPLOYERS FEEL LIKE THEY NEED TO FORCE WORKERS TO DO SO MUCH OVERTIME, AS WELL AS LOOK AT HOW THESE CHANGES ARE AFFECTING FAMILY LIFE AND THE INDIVIDUAL.

B1:
On the one hand, several factors have contributed towards PEOPLE working harder and longer. Firstly, THE majority of people have started to do overtime and put IN extra effort to earn more money as (DELETE 'THE') personal living expenses have risen dramatically. For instance, MANY teachers HAVE TO conduct extra tuItion classes due to THEIR low salarIES. Secondly, higher expectations from boss requires the employees to work for LONGER PERIODS OF TIME. In other words, THERE IS A TREND FOR employers TO DELEGATE more responsibilities to FEWER staff MEMBERS, which compels workers to utilize all their power and time to complete assigned tasks within the deadlines. For instance, bankers work for eleven hours per day on (DELETE 'an') average. FOR THESE REASONS, personal and organizational requirements force people to spend most of their time and effort at work.

B2:
ON THE OTHER HAND however, the above mentioned situation has HAD AN INPACT ON not only the family but also the community. In fact, (delete 'the') family bonding has been adversely AFFECTED as both the husband and wife work longer shifts and thus barely have ANY quality family time TOGETHER. Consequently, family issues,such as divorce, haVE increased DRASTICALLY. Furthermore, isolation within a society is another negative effect of not having any time for society. In other words, people rarely interact with the neighbours or organize any COMMUNITY programs which could HELP TO build a better network and bonding because they are not free from their job. To illustrate THIS POINT, IN A LOT OF COMMUNITIES, THE members do not even know each other properly. Thus, spending all ONE'S time and energy on the job CAN HAVE TERRIBLE CONSEQUENCES FOR FAMILY LIFE AND THE LIFE OF THE INDIVIDUAL.

CONC:
In conclusion, ALthough people HAVE TO work harder TO REACH A BETTER living standard and fulfil theIR work responsibilities, the NEGATIVE consequences OF DOING THIS cannot be overlooked since it is found to have destroyed family relationshipS and community bonding.

Advice:
1.Don't forget to use a 'thesis statement' that will tell the reader what you will do in the body section. Begin with "This essay will..."
2. Use a connecting phrase at the beginning of B1.
3. Make sure you finish sentences. For example, sentence 3 in B1 is not complete. It is a subject only.
4. Better to use 'impact' as a noun, not a verb. It sounds stronger.

TA: 7.0
G: 6.5
V: 6.5
CC: 6.0 (Try to use multiple word linking phrases)