Examiner Feedback needed: Actual Writing Task 2 Question attempt

[IELTSUzbInstructor]

Some people argue that the fittest and strongest individuals and teams can achieve the greatest success in sports. But other people think the success is more related to the mental attitude.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.

There is no doubt that physical strength plays a vital role in great achievements in sports. While some think it is the only factor, I would argue that it is equally important to have the right mindset to succeed in top-level competitions.

Obviously, most sports require a very high level of physical ability. Therefore, it is only logical to assume that those doing sports on a professional level aim to achieve absolute strength and fitness to attain success. For instance, for athletes lifting weights, developing muscles is a number one priority as it is almost impossible to imagine success without a perfect level of physical strength. Even top chess players, despite being engaged in an intellectual battle, admit to exercising in fitness clubs before crucial matches. So, regardless of the type of sport, being fit and strong seems to play a significant role.

Having said that, downplaying the importance of mental attitude is an oversight. Recently, science has become an integral part of any sport. Psychologists are believed to make a huge contribution to victory whether it is an individual or team sports. Because mistakes a routine part of any sport, it is critical for sportspeople to stay determined and mentally strong throughout the game. Strong comebacks in football history can be a perfect illustration; despite losing the first half, mentally strong players can analyze their mistakes and turn the game around in their favour. It is just one of many great number of examples in modern sports where mental strength goes hand in hand with physical ability.

To sum up, although physical strength is an obvious factor, the real recipe for success lies with the combination of mental attitude and a high level of fitness.

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Thanks for your submission IELTSUzbInstructor!! Please see my rewrite below ...

INTRO:
There is no doubt that physical strength plays a vital role in ACHIEVING GREAT THINGS in sports. While some think it is the only factor, I would argue that it is equally important to have the right mindset to succeed in top-level competitions.

B1:
Obviously, most sports require a very high level of physical ability. Therefore, it is only logical to assume that those doing sports on a professional level aim to achieve THE HIGHEST LEVEL POSSIBLE OF strength and fitness to attain success. For instance, for athletes lifting weights, MUSCLE DEVELOPMENT is a number one priority as it is almost impossible to imagine success without a perfect level of physical strength. Even top chess players, despite being engaged in an intellectual battle, admit to exercising in fitness clubs before crucial matches. So, regardless of the type of sport, being fit and strong seems to play a significant role.

B2:
Having said that, downplaying the importance of mental attitude is an oversight. Recently, science has become an integral part of any sport. Psychologists are believed to make a huge contribution to victory whether it is IN individual or team sports. Because mistakes PLAY a routine part of any sport, it is critical for sportspeople to stay determined and mentally strong throughout the game. Strong comebacks in football history can be a perfect illustration; despite losing the first half, mentally strong players can analyze their mistakes and turn the game around in their favour. It is just one of A many great number of examples in modern sports where mental strength goes hand in hand with physical ability.

CONC:
IN CONCLUSION, although physical strength is an obvious factor, the real recipe for success lies IN the combination of mental attitude and a high level of fitness.

Advice:
1.Be careful whether you choose to use gerunds or adj + N combinations. For example,'muscle development' sounds stronger than 'developing muscles'
2. Don't forget words - 'play' in B2
3. Use 'In conclusion' not 'To sum up' in a task 2.

TA: 8.0
G: 8.0+
V: 8.5
CC: 7.5 (little bit low because of 'To sum up' and 'because' at the beginning of a sentence)

OVERALL: 8.0

EXCELLENT essay!