General Training T2-120712, please review

[allen_zhang]

120712 Money may not make people happy. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Individual happiness is a complicate thing and there are many factors that could affect people’s well-being. While some people think that happiness is not related to money, I personally believe that there are definite connection between happiness and wealth.

To begin with, although some people may not agree that money brings happiness, I think most of us will agree that money offers us a sense of security. For example, without enough money, individuals may worry about how to support their family and how to pay their medical bills when their family members get sick. This feeling of financial insecurity will decrease the happiness of impoverished population, while other well-off people may be more confident about their future. From this, we can see that money contributes to promoting individual’s well-being.

In addition, having enough disposable income means that people have more opportunities to enjoy their life. With more wealth, individuals can improve their standard of living in many ways like, for example, moving to better house, enjoying better food, getting better education and even affording a trip overseas on their holidays. Through fulfilling people’s material needs, money improves people’s happiness.

Furthermore, being rich usually means higher social status than others and will give wealthy people a sense of being superior to others. This is also a basic psychological needs for people to get the feeling of fulfillment and achievement. Many researches show that well-off social groups tent to be more satisfied with their social status. In other words, they are happier.

To conclude, from my point of view, money improves financial security, fulfills material needs and boosts satisfaction, and they all lead to happiness.

[Ryan]

Hi Allen,

A couple of quick thoughts:

120712 Money may not make people happy. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Individual happiness is a complicated thing and there are many factors that could affect people’s well-being. While some people think that happiness is not related to money, I personally believe that there are definite connection (<--Why do you use "are" when this is written "connection"?) between happiness and wealth.

To begin with, although some people may not agree that money brings happiness, I think most of us (<--Avoid sounding overly personal in your essay. Personal language weakens the academic voice of an essay.) will agree that money offers us (<--Again.) a sense of security. For example, without enough money, individuals may worry about how to support their family and how to pay their medical bills when their family members get sick. This feeling of financial insecurity would clearly impact the happiness of impoverished population, (<--"...of an impoverished population", "...of impoverished populations" or "...of impoverished demographics" would be accurate ways to word this.) while other well-off people may be more confident about their future. (<--Try: "...impovershed demographics, a phenomenon not present among those in more affluential circumstances.") From this, we can see that money contributes to promoting individual’s (<--Is this an individual's or individuals' ?) well-being.

In addition, having enough disposable income means that people have more opportunities to enjoy their life. With more wealth, individuals can improve their standard of living in many ways like, for example, moving to a better house, enjoying better food, getting better education and even affording a trip overseas on their holidays. Through fulfilling people’s material needs, money improves people’s happiness. (<--I would add a bit more cohesive language to illustrate that you are drawing a conclusion from this evidence. Even just "As this example show, through fulfilling..." would work.)

Furthermore, being rich usually brings with it the privilege of higher (<--Consider changing this to "enhanced".) social status than others (<--Because you are talking about "enhanced social status", the comparison to "others" is presumed and thus not needed here.) and will give wealthy people a sense of being superior to others. (<--I would just word this: "...and give wealthy people a sense of superiority".) This is also a basic psychological needs (<--What's going on with your plurals?) for people to get the feeling of fulfillment and achievement. (<--I'm not sure what you mean here. Are you saying that human beings have a natural desire to feel fulfilled?) Many researches have demonstrated that well-off social groups tend to be more satisfied with their social status. In other words, they are happier. (<--I would build the argument a little more clearly. Perhaps: "As many researchers have observed, people in financially privileged circumstances report themselves to be more satisfied with their social status. Thus, the link between money and happiness can be seen.")

To conclude, from my point of view, money improves financial security, fulfills material needs and boosts satisfaction, and these are precursors to happiness.

[allen_zhang]

Thank you Ryan!
I am studying your comments and corrections. They really help.
What score will you give to this essay?